By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter
My friend asked the question “are single mothers raising their daughters to be single?” She said that question was brought up in the beauty shop (you know we talk about any and everything at the shop). She surprisingly had to admit that she thought she just might be, but not intentionally of course. My friend recalled walking around her house being proud of how she was handling things on her own and what a great job she did raising her children. Those statements, she began to think, may be causing her girls to think they don’t need husbands. They may begin to look at that great job that mom did and say if she could do it solo, so could I. But my friend of course wants her girls to have the best of everything in their future and to her that includes a good husband.
If some single mothers are subconsciously raising girls to be single and independent (in terms of relationships), how are married mothers raising their girls? When that thought came to me, I had to do a quick self-check. I don’t just want to raise them to be married; I want to raise them to be happily married. In order for that to happen there are certain things they need to see in our home, including:
- Prayer and a marriage built on a spiritual foundation.
- A mutual respect; which is shown in how we speak to one another. We never raise our voices to get our points across.
- A true consideration of each other. It is important for my girls to see me tending to my husband’s needs and vice versa.
- A man who knows how to treat a woman. Opening car doors, allowing the woman to walk in first and helping the lady take a step out of the car are small things that both girls and boys should see often.
- Public displays of affection. They need to see mommy and daddy hug, share a kiss and hold hands.
- A true partnership. It is very important that children see mommy and daddy making parenting as well as household decisions together.
Whether we are single or married and whether it is intentional or by accident, we all have to be conscious of the messages we are sending to our children about relationships. Single moms, if you want your children to grow up and build healthy relationships, even if you aren’t in one, communicate that to them. Share some information on what a healthy relationship should include like love, commitment, communication, and trust. Married moms, you are in the perfect position to actually display a healthy relationship to your children. We can use these teaching moments to show our children what good, healthy love looks like.
BMWK, what are you teaching your children (by your actions) about relationships?
By Tiya Cunningham-Sumter, a Certified Life & Relationship Coach, Founder of Life Editing and creator of The Black Wives’ Club. Tiya resides in Chicago with her husband and two children.
Divine and Debt Free says
I was raised in a single parent home and It was the best thing for me. I am independent but it has no baring on how I feel about being married. I know that being married adds value to my life as a whole (happily married that is) and one day that is by the grace of God what I intend to be 🙂
This is another subject but I think a single mother should stay single until her kids are grown and out of the house. My mom did it for me and I probably would be a wreck had she brought men in and out of my life. Not to say blended families don't and can't work but I have heard more horror stories than not and If I had a child out of wedlock I would just make a commitment to them and God to put them first until they are grown and my decisions don't affect them as much.
Lamar says
Nearly half of all marriages now are from people who were previously married and of course most of them have children so basically nobody would be getting married if you lumped all of these folks in with the people who have children out of wedlock.
What about the other side of that equation? A single mom meets a man and gets married. Now with help and support financially, emotionally etc… she's able to give more to her children especially her time. When you're doing it alone it's tough and a lot of single parents don't get to spend the time with their kids they would like because they are spending all of their time trying to provide for them and keep a roof over their head. The greatest part of being married to me is that one of us is always available for the kids and having been raised in a single parent household myself I know in that situation that's not always the case.
6footBombshell says
No disrespect, But you also hear that most marriages end up in divorce, so should one never marry because of that horror story? To block yourself from marriage until your kids get grown because of horror stories about blended marriages, means you're blocking your blessings. I think its all about the partner you pick and a lot of the times we tend to pick poor partners.
Divine and Debt Free says
I like Luv 2cs summed it up for me, were as I made a broad generalization. I just think there are more people who fall in the category of bringing lots of people around there children rather than being discrete. What I am talking about doesn't fit everyone its just WHAT I would do.
Luv_2cs says
I have to agree and disagree with single mothers staying single. I am the baby girl (my mother has 4 girls) with an age difference of 7 years between me and my next oldest sister. After her divorce from my father she searched for love high and low. It really never affected my sisters but since I was home the longest, I saw the good, the bad, and the ugly (and boy was there some ugly) in her selection of suitors. What i took from it was I would NEVER have different men come in and out of my babies lives like that. Even today I see my friends bring “uncle so and so over for a sleepover”. What is that??? I always wondered why you would be sleeping in the bedroom with your brother (heaven forbid making love sounds to follow). Ugh! I don't knock my mother for wanting to live her life and find that perfect someone for her (she's happily married now) but when I became a single mother myself, i vowed to not walk in those footsteps. To this day my girls only know of one boyfriend who has been around for years and that's exactly how I prefer it. On the flip side however, I have watched numerous friends bring in man after man or woman after woman and the effect it has on the kids. The boy children have a difficulty growing an attachment to women because so many have come into their lives for a spell, they've accepted the women, then mad day comes and they are gone forever. The girl children either emulate the mother (looking for love in all the wrong places) or it leaves a lingering effect of “men leave” that they take into their own relationships.
And as Lamar put it, there are also those possibilities of gaining more in a blended family situation which makes dating and finding a spouse a huge benefit.
I think as a mother you just need to be discreet on bringing people around your children. Your children are definitely watching.
TheMrs says
I had a similar conversation recently about a few single mom's I know (they have teens) who are “too proud” on what they are doing, giving their children a one sided look of the future. It is wonderful to be proud that you are able to successfully raise your children with out the other parent, but it is also important to let your children know that it is still possible to do this with a spouse and vice versa.
My mother-in-law raised my husband as a single mother who “secretly” dated(meaning my husband never saw these men) while I was raised in a happily married family with my biological parents. I witnessed my parents show affection to each other, work through life issues together, etc. while my husband was not afforded this. Now as we raise our own children, he doesn't even want to hold hands in front of them as if we are some great secret. I told him that we have to keep it rated G but it is quite alright for them to see that Mommy and Daddy love eachother.
Kptarver says
Great discussion. We are teaching our children something all the time, by word or example. Someone once said that the best way for a man to love his children is to love their mother. There is sufficient truth in the implications of that statement. Of course single headed homes will do the best they can to model love w/ the tools at hand. But the best thing my single parent mom could do was to expose us to homes where good marriages were taking place. That way I could see it, and imagine it for myself. But there is more.
In subsequent discussions over the years, I've come to understand that in addition to the social infrastructure taking place in households, there are also important invisible biological exchanges taking place as well. Every woman knows what can happen to the hormones when two women become college roommates. Every man knows what kind of banter testosterone can produce in the locker room. In the marital union the hormone exchange continues. Many men, myself included, can actually tell when my wife if fertile, by the scent of her breath. As children are added there is more hormonal exchange. When the couple has children the dad's testosterone level adjusts to accommodate the new life. The sustained presence of female and male hormones influencing one another continues to have a bio/social affect on everybody in the household. Likewise, the absence of either will also greatly influence the social infrastructure. I suppose we can shortchange our families when we focus solely on the social influence and ignore the biological reality.
When my boys see me shave in the morning, or study in the afternoon, or kiss mom evening, they are not only learning to shave, study, and love, but they are also absorbing, and perhaps making genetic notation, of a masculine influence on a hormonal level. The very presence of both parents being consistently present may be much more significant than it may appear. The very least I can do is be there!
Mrs Smiley Face says
Both my husband and I were raised in households where we had both parents but due to illness my father and his mother passed, so we witnessed both sides: being raised by both married and single parents. We both remember witnessing our parents “love on” each other and the “love on” was passed onto us. We both witnessed the respect our fathers had for our mothers, the caring & kindness our mothers extended to our fathers. We witnessed “healthy arguments” (where yes, there was some neck gyrating and rolling eyes and “this woman is crazy” looks, lol, but ultimately there was resolution and mutual agreement) so we learned that yes life ain't no crystal stair and just because you argue doesn't mean that your marriage is over…talk it out or walk away and cool down until you can talk it out. They taught us that love is visible.
As a single mother, my mom never really “dated” dated, but that wasn't because she feared bringing another man in the house or around us (I was 17 and my sister was 24 when my dad passed). It was mostly because she felt that she wouldn't find a love like my father's love and respect of her….which taught me to “wait for love” and weed out any Casanovas on my way to finding my prince charming. She taught us responsibility and the importance of planning.
My husband was raised by a single father from the age of 9 but where my mother didn't “date” date, his father did. What he saw was the respect his father had for women period . His father maintained healthy relationships that taught his sons that the little things count. Be thoughtful, listen, be a gentleman. He taught them that women aren't just “pretty things to look at” (his words) and that if you're in a relationship always respect it.
So today, my husband and I are grateful that our parents knew how to show love and what a healthy loving, respectful relationship should be.
Beonpurpose says
@ Divine & Debt Free
Maam let me say that I respect that your priority is to safeguard the emotional, sexual, and physical well being of your children. I understand that there have been several cases of children who have been abused by their mother or fathers significant other. I understand that there have been blended families that busted and ultimately failed. I think you have every right to your feelings, and concerns. Only you know the specifics of your situation.
Please know that there are life coaches, dating coaches, and professional family counselors that can help single parents date with goal of marriage while maintaining your childrens safety and well-being. It doesnt half to be one or the other. You can still enjoy adult companionship within the confines of marriage or dating for marriage while being an outstanding parent. I believe the problem is that both women and men dont know how to maintain their childrens safety and well-being when they are dating. In addition to professionals, there are also dozens of books on the market that can assist you in this endeavor.
Some ideas for the preservation of your childrens safety and well-being could be:
1. Dont bring your suitor to your home until you have entered a point in the relationship that leads to being engaged or married.
2. Dont tell your children you are dating. It isnt their business. Your privacy should be respected. Tell them you are going to a meeting and leave it at that.
3. Dont confide in your children especially teens, thats what friends, elders, family, and therapists are for.
4. Discuss your standards and expectations with the other person about how you would like to proceed with the relationship.
If the other person is parent, they will likely understand. There are several books out on the market about boundaries. Id encourage you to check them out. The biggest problem is that people themselves lack boundaries and dont enforce them because they dont know how to.
Respectfully
Mary
Divine and Debt Free says
Thanks Mary, its a great topic to discuss. I just brought it up because this is what I see on a daily basis and so many women don't get it. I know its a rather harsh stance but its just MY stance. People must do what works for them. I don't even have children yet, nor am I married but I just wish the people around me would take more caution because I SEE everyday how it affects the children. BUT more power to those who do it right!
Divine and Debt Free says
and I would like to add that dating as a single person is a choir enough! can't imagine how it works when kids are involved. I have attempted to date men with children and its either they spend TOO much time with the kids or not enough.
catch 22?
Tanya Funches says
Mary,
I love your suggestions about our children's safety and well being.
Christelyn Russell-Karazin says
Great topic Tiya! I remember you chatting with me about this the other day.
I do in fact believe that many single mothers–especially financially successful ones–feel pride about raising their children alone, because, hey! they're not struggling; the kids have designer clothes, food and Nintendo. All good, right? Wrong. The situation also gives children a false sense of security in case the fit hits the sham and they become unexpectedly pregnant themselves. Often the attitude is, “Well, my mother did it, so can I!” And while black men and black women are pointing the finger at each other about the reasons so many households lack a father, they should stop and ask the kids what THEY think about how strong, independent and proud you feel the next time they cry for their daddy.
BTW, thanks so much for participating in the historic online event, “No Wedding, No Womb!” Together we will be one voice.
Chris
Tiya says
Thank you Christelyn! I am very excited about the online event!
Mrs. RW says
It seems that this discussion is mainly focusing on single moms with girls. And while that is important, we have to also make sure that the choices of single mothers on boys is not discounted. In my opinion, the “successful” single mom is making it easier for boys to spread their seed without understanding the importance of their responsibility in being present in their children's lives and helping to raise them. It is giving these young men an easy out, an option to be a father, while it is taken for granted that once a woman becomes pregnant, she is responsible for that child. While it would be ideal for biological parents to raise their children as a couple, single mothers must remember how their relationships with the fathers of their children is modeled as well.
TheMrs says
Very well said!!! I think we all forget that it takes a man that was once that little boy to have a baby. Our children will emulate our relationships, whether it is a son or daughter, and we want to make sure that they see a positive, healthy relationship.
Mom of 3 says
I'm a divorced mother with 2 daughter and a son. I consider myself to be successful BUT, my children realize that just because mommy does this on her own does not mean this is the way it should be. My son is 12 and I always emphasize to him that both parents should be in the home and there are many single parents who are not able to provide for their children the way I can. My daughters are 2, but I make sure when they play with their dolls, they play with a “mommy and a daddy”. I am proud of my abilities as a single parent, but it is not easy and not something I wish to glorify in front of my children as I want them to grow up to have successful marriages.
Since the topic has been commented on, I agree with many of the posters, single parents have to be careful in the way that we date. I have only been divorced a little over a year, so I haven't really started dating, but when I do, that will be kept out of my children's lives until the appropriate time.
Tanya Funches says
Tiya, I am so happy you decided to write an article about what we discussed. As I mentioned to you a few weeks ago, I have to be reprogrammed. I have been single for so long that I have gotten set in my ways. So many single mothers focus on making sure their children are self-sufficient without thinking about the subliminal messages that we could be sending. I pray that my twins do not carry the attitude that they don't need a man because God designed us to be with one. Kudos to you for addressing single and married households. The black community definitely needs to hear this.
Tiya says
Thank you Tanya for sharing this topic with me! We have to encourage one another in all of our situations. It was a conversation that needed to be had.
Ericka says
What a blessing this article and the comments have been! LOVE IT!
Tiya says
Thank you Ericka!
Tomicagregory says
In regards to single mothers being single until their children leave is unrealistic. Yes the mother has an obligation to be a role model to her children and in doing so conduct things decent and in order. She should be able to date (with out comprimising her body, dignity and respect) without having to even introduce whom she is dating to her children. The if God says that this is the person she can involve the children. What God has for her is for her and noone else. So you cant compare someone else's situation to the next because we are all created differently with different needs and desires. Putting God first then children will allow the perfect man for her to come in because her spirit will tell her and if he isnt her spirit will tell her.
Divine and Debt Free says
tell that to a teen who has just experienced a divorce…. im just sayin
DCDivaCB says
I am new to this blog and love the topic! As a single mother of an 8 year old little girl, she has watched (lived through) me become single, struggle with moving on and begin a long-term dating relationship with someone that loves her as much as he loves me. That said, the key word is LONG-TERM DATING which started with him dating me, then him ‘dating’ my daughter (for lack of a better word). When I decided I wanted him to share my experiences of parenting, he began taking “us” out to movies and dinner dates, he began accompanying me to her school performances and he began inviting his niece (same age as my daughter) to outings with us so my daughter would have a play mate while we had a little alone time to talk, hold hands, etc. It went from a “who is this person” to “can {insert name here} come with us” to “can we invite {insert neice’s name here} with us so I don’t have to watch you guys get all kissy kissy.” I love the fact that although I am not married and not playing house (after 6 years of dating, we still maintain separate homes), he is a part of OUR lives and my daughter gets the opportunity to see how a man and woman love and respect each other. If and when the time comes for marriage, it will be fully accepted by my child with no drama or misunderstandings about who he is and what he does.
To be honest, there were about 2-3 “sleepovers” in which my daughter woke up to find him in our home when he wasn’t there the night before, but with a pancake (or cereal) breakfast waiting, a companion for Saturday morning cartoons and a sincere explanation that he arrived after her bedtime, there were absolutely no issues. Mixed families can be a blessing for everyone involved if it is handled correctly, and the child still witnesses how two people love one another, even with titles such as ‘mommy and her boyfriend.’
Tiya says
DCDiva,
Welcome! I like that term “dating” my daughter. I agree after a long-term dating relationship it is important fthat the person you are ready to committ too gets the opportunity to know your child and build a relationship. So when marriage comes, everything will be already in place.
Missyellowroses says
Yes I agree, Through my experience many woman who raise boys tend to think it is not their responsibility to raise a MAN. They look for other men in the community or in their lives to raise their son’s. This is a mistake a woman can raise a MAN to in fact be a MAN in all situations. Also many single mother’s take their own experiences and relate them to their children’s experiences. “well his dad didn’t want to be a father either,” is a terrible excuse to allow your son to run from his responsibilities.
keish says
well as a married mom raised eventually by a single mom who never brought anyone around us until we were in our late teens and even then he didn’t stay over..i have realized that i will allow my children to make their own choicesabout marriage.. i don’t want them to think for one second that their lives aren’t or can’t be fulfilled until they are married. I think that puts pressure on people to marry too young. I think the notion of marrying in your early 20s when u still have so much growth to do individually should be stopped. If you choose not to marry or have children it doesn’t mean you life is not fulfilled. If you choose to marry it doesn’t mean you are missing something. I think we put too much pressure on ourselves to find someone to marry happy or not and forget most times to become happy and get to know ourselves and pursue passions that we have as an interest solo before we have to take into account a spouse or child. so i hope i am showing my child marriage is a good thing but it takes work and taking time for you is not a problem either..u don’t have to be on anyone’s schedule but your own..maybe then we wouldn’t have so many divorces, out-of-wedlock children, unhappy marriages as we do today..for life years ago may have been 20-30 years now we are scarin people into thinking that at 24 you are an old hag if you haven’t found someone to marry. jmo
Keish says
**children..i hope i’m showing my children boys and girl