Months ago I remember having an issue with getting my son to listen. It was nothing too concerning but enough for me to notice that his behavior was changing. At first I figured it was just a phase, but that really didn’t sit right with me. Then I thought the kids at his preschool were negatively influencing him, but that just felt like a random stab in the dark, too.
Finally, I decided to stop pointing fingers and I took a long, hard look at myself. Was something different in my life? Did my behavior change recently? The answer was yes. Things in my world were different and my behavior did change. It all started to make sense. I was dealing with a great deal of stress in my life and my inability to manage it well was affecting my son.
That moment of clarity had a profound impact on me. When things aren’t going well with our children, our impulse is to look at all the outside forces that may be causing harm. The problem is that in our search, we rarely consider one very important thing; maybe we are the outside force that is causing the problem.
Now acknowledging that possibility doesn’t mean you are a bad parent. I certainly don’t think I am. I know I am a great mom. The acknowledgement simply means that if you want to be honest with yourself about the impact you have on your children, you have to realize that when you are not at your best, your children just may not be at their best.
At this point you are probably wondering what happened with my son. Well once I realized that I was the problem, I started paying closer attention to my behavior. Was I fully present when I spent time with him? Was our time together truly quality time? Did I bring my negative energy into his space? By asking myself these tough questions, I was able to identify areas that needed improvement. I was also able to find healthy ways to manage my stress, allowing me to keep my negative energy out of his space.
So what happened? His behavior changed within a few weeks. He started listening well, like he once did, and was back to his very happy self. I know that I won’t always be the issue. I know that his behavior may change again and it won’t have anything to do with me. I get that. But I also know that when it does have to do with me, I have to own that—fully.
It’s my responsibility as his mother. I need to be able to say, “I am messing up. Let me make a few changes so I can get this thing right.” And honestly, that’s what our kids really want from us. They want us to try our best to be our best and to own our stuff. Although we often are not the problem, we have to consider the possibility that we are before we start pointing fingers at our children or anyone else in their lives. We have to be willing to engage in some real self-evaluation—the tough stuff.
So the next time your kid starts to misbehave, just take the time to look at the situation from all angles. You owe your kids that much. The issue at hand may have nothing to do with you, but if it does, you have no right to ignore it. You have a responsibility to make a change.
BMWK: Are you willing to take a look at yourself first?