Change is inevitable. It is the one constant we can always count on in life. Our physical appearance changes, our mood, outlook and sometimes how we feel about our relationship. All this change makes it even more challenging to maintain a strong partnership.
I see so many couples who arrive at an unhappy place in the relationship because their partner has changed. It’s naive to think marriage will always feel like a honeymoon. People mature and have new expectations. Our individual transformations affect our mate more than we know. We can’t always expect them to be on board when we show up as someone they no longer recognize.
So what should we do when our partner actually begins to change? What happens years after being married, you no longer recognize the person you married? Some behaviors can’t be helped. Illnesses and addictions are outside of our ability to control. The other behaviors like mood swings, lack of patience and interest are more controllable. We don’t have the physical power to change our mates, but we can handle how we respond to their actions.
First, we must determine whether or not we were the ones who actually changed. Were there signs that were ignored in the beginning because you just wanted a marriage? Our spouse could have always been who they are now and we are simply at a point where it’s no longer tolerable.
Asking ourselves if this change in our partner is one we can tolerate is next. If not, an honest conversation has to be had. We don’t have to settle for a mediocre marriage. Putting forth the effort and asking for what we want is an excellent place to begin.
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Even if we request our partner do better or show up differently, they still have to want to change. Once they realize it’s for the good of the relationship and they do it for that purpose, the better.
Next, we can always seek additional ways to guide them into desiring the best relationship possible. Sharing the benefits of a powerful union as well as what we are willing to sacrifice helps our partner create their own individual action plan.
Seeking guidance, coaching and marriage resources to help navigate through the relationship ups and downs, should also be part of the plan.
Asking ourselves if our spouse’s change had anything to do with us, is next. It’s important we are completely honest in this area. If we cheated or betrayed our spouse somehow, we have to take ownership, apologize and ask what needs to be done to get the happy back.
Prayer and obedience are the final and most important ways to handle a partner you no longer recognize. We must be in constant prayer by asking God to strengthen us with the wisdom and guidance to improve our marriage. In addition to asking, we have to believe that it will happen.
Marriages that last do so because both partners are fully invested. If we are committed to our relationship, we must watch for the signs that signal trouble. The moment we notice a shift that negatively impacts our relationship, necessary actions, like the ones listed above, have to be taken to prevent its destruction.
BMWK, what would you do if your spouse changed?