Not long ago a friend of mine was going through an emotional dilemma with a guy. She was asked out by a coworker and in her commitment to pursue her personal development and not date, she turned down his offer with a message kind of explaining why in over 140 characters. Needless to say, the guy responded “yup” and that was about it after that. Feeling left in ambiguity about that message, she hit me and our sister up asking what happened.
This scenario is common for women because we are often the ones who are getting approached for dates. If you realize that it’s not your time to date, you’re currently dating or in a relationship, or simply not feelin’ the boy, male or man who has asked you out, you have a right to say no to their request, even if they asked in the most romantic way ever. This is not high school anymore, in which you just go out with people just because they express interest in you. Some of us are open to that, but again you need to know what season you are operating in and find contentment in that. But the topic here is to address the feelings that come after you have rejected a request.
Saying no to someone can hurt the person saying it, because we are human beings with blood pumping in our veins. In a woman’s perspective, we tend to be more emotional and in our issues with handling rejection, we have a bit of compassion towards the person who asked us out. That’s another reason why it’s important to guard your heart with people, because in your moment of attempting to be gracious in rejecting them, the denied person can lash out at you in a certain way out of their rejection and hurt you in return. That’s not always the case of course, but I’m positive that every woman and man has a testimony on it.
If you’re not interested in a boy, male or man, you will get three different types of responses. Read them on the next page.
If a boy gets rejected, he will act like a boy (pout, scream, whine, throw a tantrum, etc.). This “boy” could be in his 30s acting a third his age! Why is this so? Perhaps he is used to getting what he wants and since he can’t get you, his pride is hurt and is taking it out on YOU. That’s not a mature way to handle it, that’s why it belongs in the boy category. You don’t want to date someone like that because they will act this way in everything. How will they act in losing a game or friendly competition? Terribly. It hurts to say no to the boy because you may see their potential for growth but since they are not there yet, you’re protecting yourself by not entertaining it. That’s what these reality show ladies keep getting wrong. A boy will continue to be a boy as long as you coddle them like one. Let him become a man and approach you like one.
It hurts to say no to a male because they are the worst when it comes to rejection. It’s one those “I don’t want no scrub/pigeon” moments when someone approaches you for a date or tries to “talk to you,” you decline, and then they go into a women-bashing rant. This is often seen on the street when you’re simply trying to mind your business and you get an “aye ma, baby, bae, sexy” and you keep moving because your name wasn’t called. The male will proceed to swear at you, possibly saying that females “ain’t nothin’” and other insults to heal his current state of embarrassment and hurt pride. For some of us it hurts to say no to a male, because our own self esteem may not be where it needs to be.
Unfortunately in recent news, women have been getting attacked by males due to rejected advances. It’s a sad thing to see us losing common respect for each other in that way. Males’ responses to rejection can be the worst because it may trigger memories suffered from verbal or emotional abuse in your past, or bullying. The key is to keep your grace and keep your distance. The person who loses control is the person who stoops down to the other’s foolishness. That’s Biblical wisdom so don’t fall for the mess, forgive them in your heart, and move on with your day.
When it comes to saying no to a man, you’ll most likely get the most mature and respectful reactions and you may still feel a little hurt that you had to reject them. The reactions can range from not saying anything at all and falling back completely, to giving an optimistic response that may open the door for interaction in the future. A man will approach you respectfully and respond respectfully. You will only feel bad because they seem like they have a good head on their shoulders but it’s not the right time for you to be dating or you’re not interested in them in that way.
You can be honest with a man and they will respect that, because honesty is what they’re looking for and if they have been introduced to you before, they may have been drawn to your womanly qualities. Even a mature man’s pride can get hurt, so it’s okay to give them time to get it together after the rejection because it’s awkward to talk after something like that. A man can either bounce back and continue to keep friendly contact with you or graciously bow out to pursue someone else.
Grace, honesty, respect. These are three things that we want and need to use in our interactions with each other. Ideally we should abide by God’s command to love our neighbor as ourselves and speak to them like we’d like to be spoken to. If someone crosses the line with you, you have a right to stand your ground respectfully and with strength. We are responsible for our own actions, feelings and behaviors and no one should make you feel bad because they are hurting. You are being true to yourself, right? Then that’s all that matters. God may continue to test you in this area until you’re strong enough in character to handle it like, He is with me. We are all works in progress in this area in singleness and dating.
Yes, rejecting a date may hurt or make you feel uncomfortable or awkward. A lot of us are walking around with hurt because of people, but we have to get out of that mindset that we are not valuable or unworthy and begin to love ourselves more than any other human can. God created you and He speaks volumes of wonderful things about His creation. Get in your Word about what God says about you and develop your matured mindset about who you are in Him and it will change how you approach, decline, and react to others.
BMWK: Have you dealt with a bad approach before? What did you learn from the experience?