Some marriages don’t work because individuals are usually focused on the wrong things. I love when the readers on BMWK share their stories, ask for suggestions and are completely honest. Admitting our marriage is in trouble in such a public forum is true bravery, in my opinion. Asking for guidance and being vulnerable usually comes as a result of a true desire for change. Although, simply putting it out there isn’t enough to generate different results. But taking action sure will.
Couples often insist they are accomplishing what’s necessary to improve their relationships and unfortunately their partner isn’t doing the same.
Here’s a recent comment from a BMWK reader in regards to the article “Lure Your Marriage Back from Destruction”:
“What if your spouse isn’t willing to work it out?”
This type of response is actually very common. It typically follows any article highlighting marriage improvements. I always wonder, whenever this question is asked, has the other partner come right out to say they weren’t willing to work it out? Sometimes we want our partners to be doing exactly what we are doing to make the marriage work, and that’s not always realistic. There are countless advantages in communicating, compromising and sharing solutions. Both partners should at least be on the problem solving page, even if they choose different routes to get there.
A lot of marriages aren’t working because couples are focused on the wrong things. Some are focused on the negative, others are focused on being right or winning and still others are focused on what their spouse isn’t doing.
Whatever or wherever we put our energy is the area that will grow. So if it’s a negative outlook or complaints about our partner, that will eventually be the unfortunate heart beat of our relationship.
Now, let’s review where our focus should be. It’s time we started to do the inner work and ask the proper questions of ourselves to discover what is really happening in our relationship.
The first question, when our relationship is in trouble, is “Do we both still want to be here?” If the answer is yes, that’s already half the battle. The next question should be “Now what are we going to do about it?”
After the initial questions have been asked it’s time for next steps. A conversation must be had which includes solutions. Both partners should highlight their strengths as a couple and discuss. Affirming our partners and the relationship sets the tone for a positive interaction. Each partner should take a turn praising the other. The next part of the discussion is centered on the areas of weakness (as a couple). This isn’t an opportunity to point fingers (remember how you deliver information is key) blaming and yelling aren’t effective in communication. At this point in the conversation the language should be “we”. It sounds a little something like this “We need to improve our communication, levels of intimacy or how we handle conflict.” After that each partner should take about 10 minutes (separately) and create solutions to the challenges both partners recognized. Meet back up after the 10 minutes and share. Lastly, keep in mind action is necessary for any of the solutions to actually work.
When we shift our focus, we change our relationship. Focusing on self, being present to the language used and being solution minded in every situation is what helps a marriage to work.
BMWK family, are you going to use any of these techniques in your marriage?