Some marriages don’t work because individuals are usually focused on the wrong things. I love when the readers on BMWK share their stories, ask for suggestions and are completely honest. Admitting our marriage is in trouble in such a public forum is true bravery, in my opinion. Asking for guidance and being vulnerable usually comes as a result of a true desire for change. Although, simply putting it out there isn’t enough to generate different results. But taking action sure will.
Couples often insist they are accomplishing what’s necessary to improve their relationships and unfortunately their partner isn’t doing the same.
Here’s a recent comment from a BMWK reader in regards to the article “Lure Your Marriage Back from Destruction”:
“What if your spouse isn’t willing to work it out?”
This type of response is actually very common. It typically follows any article highlighting marriage improvements. I always wonder, whenever this question is asked, has the other partner come right out to say they weren’t willing to work it out? Sometimes we want our partners to be doing exactly what we are doing to make the marriage work, and that’s not always realistic. There are countless advantages in communicating, compromising and sharing solutions. Both partners should at least be on the problem solving page, even if they choose different routes to get there.
A lot of marriages aren’t working because couples are focused on the wrong things. Some are focused on the negative, others are focused on being right or winning and still others are focused on what their spouse isn’t doing.
Whatever or wherever we put our energy is the area that will grow. So if it’s a negative outlook or complaints about our partner, that will eventually be the unfortunate heart beat of our relationship.
Now, let’s review where our focus should be. It’s time we started to do the inner work and ask the proper questions of ourselves to discover what is really happening in our relationship.
The first question, when our relationship is in trouble, is “Do we both still want to be here?” If the answer is yes, that’s already half the battle. The next question should be “Now what are we going to do about it?”
After the initial questions have been asked it’s time for next steps. A conversation must be had which includes solutions. Both partners should highlight their strengths as a couple and discuss. Affirming our partners and the relationship sets the tone for a positive interaction. Each partner should take a turn praising the other. The next part of the discussion is centered on the areas of weakness (as a couple). This isn’t an opportunity to point fingers (remember how you deliver information is key) blaming and yelling aren’t effective in communication. At this point in the conversation the language should be “we”. It sounds a little something like this “We need to improve our communication, levels of intimacy or how we handle conflict.” After that each partner should take about 10 minutes (separately) and create solutions to the challenges both partners recognized. Meet back up after the 10 minutes and share. Lastly, keep in mind action is necessary for any of the solutions to actually work.
When we shift our focus, we change our relationship. Focusing on self, being present to the language used and being solution minded in every situation is what helps a marriage to work.
BMWK family, are you going to use any of these techniques in your marriage?
Anna Mae says
No I’m not, and here’s why: after going back and forth with this man for nearly two years, I just want it to be over with as I’m almost to the point of being emotionally depleted. Sometimes you have to know when to take a loss…
However, the suggestions in your article are accurate for those who want to work their marriage out.
Tiya says
Anna Mae, so sorry to hear about your situation. I hope that you will find some peace and joy.
Brenda says
I know how you feel girl in the same position
Girlie Girl says
I agree with what is said above but I think there is one thing that we often fail to acknowledge: There is such a thing as marrying THE WRONG PERSON for you. I feel that there are marriages that start off wrong and no amount of prayer, communication and counseling session will save it. Sad but true. Yes, most relationships will experience a challenge or two along the way. But some of us must acknowledge when we have reached a dead end.
Tiya says
Girlie Girl,
I totally agree. There are some marriages doomed from the start because of ignored red flags and thinking marriage would change things. Very unfortunate situations.
frualwz says
I agree totally. My situation has been going on for nearly 8 years. I love him dearly. I have been the praying, fasting, standing and faithful. He hasn’t been, multiple affairs. It began right after we were married. I read and read and aply various methods of communication. He feels that we have been apart to long to make it work, he doesn’t know were to begin. I don’t feel that he loves me enough or want our marriage enough to really work at it.
Tiya says
Frualwz,
I am sorry to hear about your situation. I pray that you also find joy and peace in whatever the outcome may be.
Jonte Walker says
In my relationship I caused the issues. My lady said I was not acting like the man she fell in love with like I have changed. She then named a long list of things that was not attractive to her. I personally fixed every problem. This has happened before and my solutions were only temporary. But now that I see the seriousness she feels, all my changes are permanent. They say dont change for nobody but I think if you truly love somebody you will change. My entire existence has completely changed so I can be with her. Now the relationship is at a standstill because she wants to know my changes will last, but she also said it will he like this until our relationship is how it used to be. In the beginning we would spend entire days with each other. Brand new love. Puppy love. Now we are not even close. She has a lot of things going on in her life and she says she does not uave time to work on us. But we have at least started talking more. Her free time or leisure time is given to her friends instead of trying to bring back our love as it was. I must schedule far in advance a date night. But me and her just being with each other does not happen at all. I dont wanna leave or lose her. Ive been talking to 3 counselors, and found her in my bible as the woman im supposed to marry. I dont know what to do.
Tiya says
Jonte, sounds like you are being put to the test and you will have to prove you are serious this time. If you have someone in your life you truly adore you’ll have to make those sacrifices. Like calling in advance to schedule date night and being consistent with showing her how much you love her and how committed you are to having this relationship. Hang in there and do what you have to do to save your relationship. I wish you both all the best.
Betty says
Here is a great book for those who have never been married or married only once or are curious about multiple marriers… “Ring EXchange – Adventures of a Multiple Marrier” by Pam Evans. It is full of great advice by someone who has experienced marriage and has lived to tell the tale. I found it to be very helpful in my marriage.
https://www.ring-exchange.com/
Tiya says
Thank you Betty for sharing this resource. I will check it out.
Betty says
You are welcome. Thanks Tiya for your great article as well, I really enjoyed it!
Marquette says
I love the article and I’m going to use the advice in it. I think after almost 16 yrs. of marriage my husband and I are experiencing growing pains. We don’t see eye to eye, not that we ever did but it’s just so out in the open now. We have more bad days than good ones. I think we need help but he has been married before and didn’t go to therapy with her. I have not ask because I don’t want to be turned down. He’s private and so am I but don’t want to loose my husband. I’m the one that has mentioned divorce on more than occasion. But that’s not really how I feel, but I do feel that the fight so going out of me. I’m so tired of fighting for my marriage, I have been fighting one fight after of another all my life and I’m still fighting. We need help I think he has put up with my issues for long enough and he is finally tired as well, which I can’t blame him how much can a person take. But on the other hand it’s not all me, we are in this together….
Tiya says
Marquette,
Please stop throwing that ugly word “divorce” out there. It’s hard to want to work on something when that is the constant threat. Your husband may need to hear that you are willing to fight for the marriage and that divorce is not an option. Having an honest and open heart to heart (before you get a professional involved) might get you started. Start the conversation by asking him what he needs and be willing to just listen without blaming or pointing out what he can do better. Just listen for an understanding and let that sit with you for a while.
Sherri says
The article was right on point! The two questions open up a dialogue that struggling couples don’t want to address. Basically do you still want me in your life. How can we piece it back ? People should understand that baby steps are necessary to heal a wounded heart. And sincerity/ honesty with love is required.
Your suggestions on how to navigate through the conversation can set a family back on the right track to togetherness especially for someone who is fearful of therapy. To me it sounds non threatrning . I will be trying this approach with my husband and prayfully it will go well. We need something /tools we can use at home.
Tiya says
Thank you Sherri and God Bless.
Sonya L Williams says
Great article! I truly believe that many couples give up on their marriage without giving it the necessary effort while others give effort and come so close without even knowing it only to still give up. I have to disagre with one comment; marriage is never a place where we choose to “take a loss”. Personally I’m in it to win no matter what. The ultimate failure in marriages is failing to realize that we didn’t create marriage, God did. That’s why our rules don’t work as well. At the root of it all God has given us the blueprint for what married should be live (a reflection of Christ and the church) but we tend to look at tv or other people’s relationships to determine what ours should look like. That’s common sense leading to common results: mediocre marriages and sometimes divorce. In my own separation, I’ve learned that my focus should be much less on “fixing” my husband and much more on allowing God to fix me. I’ve also learned how important it is to hear from God. This is so key because our feelings, friends, family, statistics etc. will talk us right out of the reconciliation that God desires for us. When we allow hurt feelings to make choices for us we fail to see those areas where we need to improve, then we end up dragging that drama to a new relationship. My advice to anyone who wants to reconcile even when their spouse doesn’t its not to give up but be ready to surrender yourself and your marriage totally to God. This way you will be prepared for His plan for your life. In the end you’ll be a better spouse and you’ll be better prepared to handle whatever new conflicts that may arise, winning! Dont be so quick to seek “relNever give up! Give it to God and trust Him to guide you through the battle.
Martha says
I agree with you in fact I could not have said it better myself, as I am learning this myself as well by experience. I am separted from my husband due to his infidelity and him walking away from God but also to be fair due to my pride arrogance and anger that I brought to the relationship. I didn’t handle myself or the marriage and my husband the way I should have I didnt’ pray the way I should have now I have to trust God to heal the marriage and my husband and myself. Its hard but it is def worth it no matter what the outcome. I have to trust in GOd and do the right things not for results but because they are righteous under God
Tiya says
Well said Sonya! Thank you.
Sonya L Williams says
Great article! I truly believe that many couples give up on their marriage without giving it the necessary effort while others give effort and come so close without even knowing it only to still give up. I have to disagre with one comment; marriage is never a place where we should choose to “take a loss”. Personally I’m in it to win no matter what. The ultimate failure in marriages is failing to realize that we didn’t create marriage, God did. That’s why our rules don’t work as well. At the root of it all God has given us the blueprint for what married should be like (a reflection of Christ and the church) but we tend to look at tv or other people’s relationships to determine what ours should look like. That’s common sense leading to common results: mediocre marriages and sometimes divorce. In my own separation, I’ve learned that my focus should be much less on “fixing” my husband and much more on allowing God to fix me. I’ve also learned how important it is to hear from God. This is so key because our feelings, friends, family, statistics etc. will talk us right out of the reconciliation that God desires for us. When we allow hurt feelings to make choices for us we fail to see those areas where we need to improve, then we end up dragging that drama to a new relationship. My advice to anyone who wants to reconcile even when their spouse doesn’t its not to give up but be ready to surrender yourself and your marriage totally to God. This way you will be prepared for His plan for your life. Divorce is never God’s plan but He gives us free will to make that choice. If one spouse says they want a divorce, dont give up on your marriage but dont beg them to stay either. Seek God and let Him, not your feelings, guide you. Let Him mold you in that time of separation. In the end you’ll be a better spouse and you’ll be better prepared to handle whatever new conflicts that may arise, winning! Dont be so quick to seek “relief”. Instead, seek the victory! Never give up! Give it to God and trust Him to guide you through the battle. Remember that “Love is not a fight but its something worth fighting for”.
Sonya L Williams says
Oops. I didn’t mean to post twice. I’m using my cell phone and don’t see the option to delete my first comment.
Going though says
Some marriages aren’t worth saving. I saw warning signs early on and decided to file for divorce after five months of marriage because he started staying out all night. Then I found out he was cheating because he was insecure of me advancing so fast in my career and the money I made, and my sleeping with those women inflated his ego. Therefore, decided to seek advice from my mom and she told me to try and stay and work it out, which was the worst advice ever. My mom came from a generation where women just stayed with cheating husbands, but I love myself too much to let a disgusting man disrespect me and my overall health, std’s etc…. HIV is a real disease and African American women are dying at alarming rates because of these disgusting men, and I don’t want to end up like those women
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Zakirah says
I’ve been married for only 6 short months and found myself on the verge of walking away last month because I didn’t feel my husband loved or wanted me any longer and just when I felt I had prayed my last prayer and cried my last tear asking God to show me the right path our relationship our marriage took a turn for the better without me having to leave. We now communicate more without the yelling and blaming without walking out on our conversations. We BOTH see where we need to make changes and are working daily. I know it won’t be easy nothing worth having ever is but I now look forward to this journey called marriage with my husband and I can finally say the feeling is mutual! Good luck to those who find themselves at a crossroad. If you love that man or woman pray and don’t give up if its meant to be God will reveal it in due time.