by Delano Squires
I recently read a BMWK post on fidelity and asked a friend, Renee’, whether she expected fidelity in marriage and relationships. She answered with an emphatic “yes” and we continued to discuss the topic at greater length. Our conversation made me think about the past year and the number of famous men brought low by extramarital affairs. Whether it’s Tiger Woods, the late NFL quarterback Steve McNair, Mark Sanford, John Ensign, John Edwards, or Kwame Kilpatrick, the same rules apply: the consequences of infidelity are very significant and the damage can often be irreparable. The past year’s most compelling stories about unfaithfulness teach us a very valuable lesson about men and marriage. Unfortunately, I find that discussions of infidelity predominately tend to be driven by women and I rarely hear men speaking up about the importance of faithfulness in marriage and relationships.
Marriage is clearly not for the faint of heart or those unprepared for lifelong commitment. A recent series of articles have even questioned the importance of marriage in an age where more women are entering the workforce, a hookup culture has become more pervasive, the decoupling of marriage and childrearing is no longer taboo, and the frequency with which Americans divorce is greater than any other industrial nation. When done right, however, the benefits of marriage are undeniable: it provides a safe place of refuge during the winters of life and a perpetual beachfront view during life’s brighter days. It also serves as an incubator for the development of healthy, responsible, and productive children. This second point is critical. The offspring of married couples tend to outperform their counterparts from single parent homes in almost every indicator of both short and long term success. Marriage done wrong, in the form of allowing another woman into your inner sanctum has the capacity to destroy any possibility of intimacy and turn a loving devoted spouse into a wife who is physically present but mentally and emotionally absent.
It’s time that men speak honestly about the importance of marriage and the need for improved relations with our women. This advice is also good for men in committed dating relationships, because like pro sports, it’s hard to play what you don’t practice. By not addressing serious issues of fidelity we set dangerous precedents for our daughters and establish norms for our sons. Brothers, it is up to us to protect our families. Our women and children deserve that much. As late writer Leonard Michaels once observed: “Adultery is not about sex or romance. Ultimately, it is about how little we mean to one another.”
Sisters, do you feel that male infidelity is inevitable? Brothers, do you feel like you’ve ever been in a relationship with someone and had to pay for some other man’s past infidelity? What are some tools that couples can use to cultivate honest faithful relationships?
Delano Squires is currently a graduate student in Race, Ethnicity, and Public Policy at the George Washington University. His focus is contemporary African American culture, urban education, and child development.