by Delano Squires
I recently read a BMWK post on fidelity and asked a friend, Renee’, whether she expected fidelity in marriage and relationships. She answered with an emphatic “yes” and we continued to discuss the topic at greater length. Our conversation made me think about the past year and the number of famous men brought low by extramarital affairs. Whether it’s Tiger Woods, the late NFL quarterback Steve McNair, Mark Sanford, John Ensign, John Edwards, or Kwame Kilpatrick, the same rules apply: the consequences of infidelity are very significant and the damage can often be irreparable. The past year’s most compelling stories about unfaithfulness teach us a very valuable lesson about men and marriage. Unfortunately, I find that discussions of infidelity predominately tend to be driven by women and I rarely hear men speaking up about the importance of faithfulness in marriage and relationships.
Marriage is clearly not for the faint of heart or those unprepared for lifelong commitment. A recent series of articles have even questioned the importance of marriage in an age where more women are entering the workforce, a hookup culture has become more pervasive, the decoupling of marriage and childrearing is no longer taboo, and the frequency with which Americans divorce is greater than any other industrial nation. When done right, however, the benefits of marriage are undeniable: it provides a safe place of refuge during the winters of life and a perpetual beachfront view during life’s brighter days. It also serves as an incubator for the development of healthy, responsible, and productive children. This second point is critical. The offspring of married couples tend to outperform their counterparts from single parent homes in almost every indicator of both short and long term success. Marriage done wrong, in the form of allowing another woman into your inner sanctum has the capacity to destroy any possibility of intimacy and turn a loving devoted spouse into a wife who is physically present but mentally and emotionally absent.
It’s time that men speak honestly about the importance of marriage and the need for improved relations with our women. This advice is also good for men in committed dating relationships, because like pro sports, it’s hard to play what you don’t practice. By not addressing serious issues of fidelity we set dangerous precedents for our daughters and establish norms for our sons. Brothers, it is up to us to protect our families. Our women and children deserve that much. As late writer Leonard Michaels once observed: “Adultery is not about sex or romance. Ultimately, it is about how little we mean to one another.”
Sisters, do you feel that male infidelity is inevitable? Brothers, do you feel like you’ve ever been in a relationship with someone and had to pay for some other man’s past infidelity? What are some tools that couples can use to cultivate honest faithful relationships?
Delano Squires is currently a graduate student in Race, Ethnicity, and Public Policy at the George Washington University. His focus is contemporary African American culture, urban education, and child development.
Candi says
I strongly believe that communication is an ESSENTIAL tool in keeping infidelity out of a marriage. There is a delicate balance required of both partners and once that balance has shifted it creates a doorway in which problems can quickly enter.
Also, the lowered expectations and utter disrespect of marriage as a whole isn’t helping one bit. Shows like the bachelor and mother swap make a mockery of marriage in my opinion, and do nothing but encourage the idea that if your unhappy just get out and move on.
Personally, I feel that whenever a spouse cheats both partners have a responsibility in it happening. It might not be equal fault, but there is fault nonetheless.
.-= Candi´s last blog ..Mother Sends Daughters Out In Cold Wearing Only Paper Bags =-.
Harriet says
No, I don’t feel male infidelity is inevitable. My father NEVER cheated on my mom. Up until the day he died, he was totally faithful to her. I completely trust my spouse as well. Before we got married, when we were younger, we had issues regarding fidelity. We both made our mistakes. However, when it was time for us to sit down and discuss those issues, we were both free to do that, and very open and honest with one another.
Tools:
From a spiritual standpoint, we love one another, but the thing that keeps us from straying is also our love for the Lord. We don’t want to hurt or disappoint one another , but we also don’t want to hurt or disappoint the Lord.
We are totally open and honest with one another.
Whenever a situations arises where a woman tries to throw herself at my husband, or a man tries to throw himself at me, we don’t let 24 hours pass without letting one another know about the incident.
I can go on and on, but the honesty and accountability we share with one another are guards against infidelity.
I told a young single mother whose so-called “BFF” was a young man who she had slept with long ago that she needed to “affair proof” her relationship with her fiance. I asked her if her toddler son were to walk around the house without guards on furniture corners, and covers for electrical outlets, would it be a recipe for disaster. She said yes. I said, think of your near future marriage the same way. Can you honestly say that if your soon to be husband pisses you off, that you could go talk to your “BFF” about it without putting yourself at risk of sleeping with him in your vulnerable state? She admitted that she couldn’t. I told her that putting an end to that particular relationship was “affair proofing” her marriage.
Shellb says
Great article 😉 To answer your question, no, I don’t believe that male infidelity is inevitable. I got to give brothas more credit than that…but I do believe that marriage is not for the faint at heart, and requires two spiritually, emotionally, and mentally mature individuals who are committed to meeting each others needs in order to succeed.
Some tools: open, clear and honest communication; taking time to invest in your relationship, growing spiritually together, taking time for prayer, serving, etc., and seeking and surrounding yourself with positive examples and influences…get away from people who have your problem, and hang out with those who have your solution!
PJ says
Very insightful article! I agree with the others – male infidelity is not inevitable. I think the root of almost all infidelity is selfishness, which happens to be the complete opposite of marriage. When we let our desires and wants take precedence over our partner’s needs, we open the door to all the “reasons” PEOPLE (not just men) cite for being unfaithful.
I think having a God-centered relationship is essential for a healthy, thriving marriage. Jesus is the ultimate example of selflessness, and as we allow His example to pervade our relationships, we reflect more of His character and love and less of our flawed humanity.
Also, I feel it’s important to have a firm resolve about your marriage. I’ve seen people enter marriage with a Plan B – “if this doesn’t work… (insert escape route)”. You have to be willing to fight for your marriage. Don’t let problems fester and grow. Be committed to working through your issues with a real consciousness of the love you have for each other (even though you might not like each other in the moment). The more you shore up the foundataion of your relationship with your spouse, the less power those outside stressors have in influencing you to stray.
Sul-li-mundo says
I think you starting this dialogue is a starting point for fixing the mis-education of black brothers who think it’s so fun to run around and not get caught and be that playa …playa. I think when we expose the ills that result from such behavior it becomes enlightenment for many and maybe turn a brother back from that door of infidelity once he ponders the many negative outcomes. Great article keep em coming.
Ms. B says
I think it’s a great point that you bring up. From some things I’ve witnessed in my young adult years, I’ve even found myself questioning “Should we expect infidelity in marriage?!” But I’ve concluded that infidelity in marriage is NOT inevitable. I have seen couples (my parents for example…30 years of marriage) who have never been unfaithful to their spouse. It is possible, but it takes work, understanding, and a strong willingness to sustain the relationship.
So here are some tools that I believe can help couples cultivate faithful relationships:
1. Open communication lines for honesty to be transferred- Couples must be able to communicate their feelings, concerns, desires, wants, needs, etc. to each other, and in order for this to happen, the communications lines must be open to reception at all times from both ends.
2. Prioritization- When you make God, your partner, yourself, and your relationship top priorities in your life (with a solid focus of why you’re in the relationship and what you expect from it) you begin to devote time to those priorities that build a rock-solid foundation for your relationship to grow and progress. When you start sharing your time with people or things that aren’t beneficial to your personal growth or your relationship, you begin to mentally wander, which can ultimately lead to wandering physically. Make time for what’s important to you, invest your time, and I believe the return on investment will be invaluable!
3. Inspiration and Influence- I think many times people practice infidelity because they lack inspiration and influences that steer them the other way. Surround yourself with couples who demonstrate a sincere appreciation for each other and their relationship. Ask questions, “How did you guys make it this far”?! Spend less time with individuals who aren’t on the same page as you about relationships, because their thoughts can surely influence your thoughts.
4. Effort or Willingness- Couples must have the willingness to make their relationships work, and must be willing to put in the effort so that it does. They must be willing to be patient and love each other, and put in the effort to practice it. The willingness to remain loyal to each other, and exert the effort to fight temptations.
Total fidelity in relationships is possible…I’m a believer!
*Loved the article Mr. Squires, hope you share more of your thoughts!*
TT says
To entertain the idea that a man cannot be faithful is to hold men to a lower standard, to erroneously make the implication that it is somehow genetically impossible for men to be faithful. The fact that there are men who have been faithful in relationships repudiates this idea.
We all have the choice to be a participant in infidelity, men and women, whether we exercise this choice is a personal decision. I believe the most important thing that we all must do, brothers, and sisters, is to honestly evaluate ourselves.
Entering a relationship while knowing that one is not ready to be in a relationship can foster a feeding ground for infidelity and likewise, forcing someone to be in a relationship after he/she said they were not ready can offer similar results. Being in a relationship it is important to create and maintain a healthy dialogue about what each person is feeling. Perhaps more importantly, being open and having enough courage to receive the truth from our partners honest feelings, despite how painful it may be.
Harriet says
@ ShellB
“get away from people who have your problem, and hang out with those who have your solution!”
That’s wisdom right there!
Anna says
I think that male infidelty is not inevitable. Not every man has a short leash to hang himself with. Not every man is a dog but if women took the time to communicate with their husband and get to know him she will allow a man to be a man and trust him and realize that dog spelled backward is GOD. I am in no way saying that my husband is GOD LOL. , through networking (asking a friend) GOD sent my husband to me. Some women worry so much that their man is not going to be faithful, there are even some cultures that expect it. I don’t anticipate it or expect it. I know women who snoop to no end and accuse men of doing something they have not done, that only drives the man/husband away. If he was not cheating some sure gave them a reason to cheat or just walk out the door.
Andrea says
I don’t think that infidelity is inevitable either. Communication is key in any relationship. Being open to communication and really listening to your partner can help save a marriage and make a relationship stronger. Male infidelity may be more popular among celebrities but that doesn’t reflect those of us who are not celebrities.
.-= Andrea´s last blog ..Great Sex, Romance and Love at any Age =-.
{JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After says
TT said: “To entertain the idea that a man cannot be faithful is to hold men to a lower standard, to erroneously make the implication that it is somehow genetically impossible for men to be faithful.”
My sentiments exactly. Very well-said – all I’d add is that, coming from a spiritual aspect, I don’t believe that God would call for us to be faithful in our marriages if it wasn’t possible.
.-= {JeLisa} @ Blogging Ever After´s last blog ..Groovin On A Sunday Afternoon {that happened to fall on that one holiday…} =-.
Gwen says
This is really interesting, as I just had a convo about this with a good friend of mine whose son’s father was caught cheating on her. Such a sad situation she is in – now she feels as if infidelity is inevitable. I told her that’s not true, b/c my parents have been married 44 years and they never cheated on each other. She said, “That’s what you think.” Hmmm…
I find it really disheartening that she has lost the faith and feels she has to accept a cheating mate.
.-= Gwen´s last blog ..Why Mean People Are Nice For Business =-.
Maurice says
I married a virgin, so no, I don’t have to deal with some past man’s infidelity.
Some tools for cultivating honest and faithful relationships? One is communication. Someone of the opposite sex give you a compliment today? Tell your spouse. Someone of the opposite sex sends you an email, a private/text message, a phonecall during the day? Tell your spouse. As long as your spouse knows everything you’re doing, you shouldn’t encounter any problems, and if a problem does arise, you spouse SHOULD trust you enough to take your side.
If you are one of those people who feels that “my spouse shouldn’t know EVERYTHING I’m doing,” then I recommend reevaluating the Biblical definition of “one flesh.”
sistah1 says
I do feel like male infidelity is inevitable, but I’m realizing that that’s an expectation I need to change. I’m definitely jaded.
.-= sistah1´s last blog ..Is Cheating Just Par for the Course? =-.
Sam says
How about exploring infedelity when the women commits the unthinkable.
Jessica says
My opinion on this is both men and women are losing focus when it comes to relationship. I truly believe that alot of men and women let outside influence dictate our relationship and are easily distracted.