by Eric Payne
I don’t exactly enjoy the pressure that comes with Valentine’s Day. The reason: I try to live my life around the principles of love, for better or worse. Admittedly many times for I do it for the worse because by no means have I perfected my craft. But I go into each day with a loving, “Valentine’s Day” attitude.
So when it comes to February the 14th I feel the pressure to outdo something I strive to do everyday. As a married man, I’m beginning to wonder if this holiday, in it’s present state — being primarily driven by those seeking commercial gain, is better suited for the single set. Particularly the newly dating single set. After all, if you’re on your game as a married person, shouldn’t every day be Valentine’s Day?
The answer to this question is yes — in theory. Of course, I’m not attempting to discount the intimacy (or the expectation of it) that comes with Valentine’s Day or the seductive gifts: the chocolates, romantic dinners, lingerie and you know the rest. Instead I’m highlighting the casually overlooked absence of day-to-day love. The morning kiss; that evening hug, praying together before bedtime, holding of hands for no reason, sitting together in the same space, actually talking to one another and doing it with sweetness because this is the person with whom YOU chose to share your adult life.
Sadly, the years together, the routine of life and the short or long rough patches often mute or render pointless all the little things that used to give us butterflies. Women complain that their men are no longer romantic and men complain that all their women do is complain. But in the midst of this deadlock, women often note that their daughters have their husbands wrapped around their little fingers. As a father of a five-year-old girl I openly confess to the fact that caring for a little woman changes your perspective on everything, arguably for the better. The sheer dynamic of the father-daughter relationship should make a man more attentive to and respectful of the needs of women. But I don’t get weak in the knees simply because my daughter exists or because she is some devious master manipulator of emotions. What my daughter has going for her is an innate understanding of her place in my life.
Knowing Her Place
For now, my daughter seeks to hold my hand as much as I seek to hold hers. She greets me with a good morning kiss every day and makes me feel like a rock star screaming, “Daddy!” when I pick her up after school. During movie time and dinnertime at the house she doesn’t invade my personal space, she commands the space she knows belongs to her: at my side, in my lap, climbing on my back. She always hugs and kisses me before bedtime and tells me she loves me at least three times on the way to school. And when it does come time for her to ask for something she really wants she asks with sugar in her voice. Somehow she knows without knowing that sugar trumps vinegar any day of the week when it comes to getting results from others. For those of you who read the Bible, Proverbs 16:24 is one among many verses that provide instruction on how to speak to others.
My daughter is no angel and I imagine most aren’t but when she’s good, she is very, very good. These little girls develop an understanding and appreciation for the men in their lives — their fathers — and an ability to convey it. This is one of many reasons why it is critical that fathers have a concrete presence in the lives of their daughters just as much as their sons. Not only to nurture them but to be an example of manhood for them to experience before they reach adulthood.
Grown Folks Set In Their Ways
Similarly as adults we provide each other with this euphoric phenomenon in doses, typically only at the beginning of a relationship. And we go so far as to sabotage ourselves by calling ourselves or others “whipped” or saying we are “just going through the honeymoon phase.” We box up our genuine appreciation and affection for one another and deem it as something we fully expect and in some cases look forward to pass. And it does, regardless of what that other person is or is not doing because we always expected it would. The tragic irony is that many live their lives with their partners wishing they could regain that which they anticipated would go away.
Grown folks are set in their ways. We know what we are and are not going to take. We also measure out what we are and are not going to do based on what others do for us first. There are those days that we simply don’t feel like it and everyone around us needs to just figure it out or expect to get their feelings hurt. Women and men, alike. We do this while driving in traffic, in the workplace, at stores and in our homes. We become conditional judges. But we are intent on raising judgment-free, open minded children. In the end all we are doing is raising the next generation of adults to be judgmental and ultimately selfish lovers.
Valentine’s Day is great for pouring on the syrup, reigniting for a while and have a great time. But what about every day? Do the little things matter in keeping that day-to-day love going? Or does being busy with life and having to contend with the imperfections of your spouse determine how you conduct yourself?
Eric is the author of I Didn’t Invented Sex and the now infamous, My Wife Is NOT My Friend (on Facebook). He talks about being a man, dad and husband on his blog, Makes Me Wanna Holler ““ Man, Dad, Husband and his Facebook Page. He is the author of I See Through Eyes, a book of poetry and short stories. In his “spare time” Eric reviews autos, tech products and writes relationship articles for Atlanta-based J’Adore Magazine.