Congratulations, you’re married! NOW is when the real work begins. Every day I see and speak to couples who are hit with a new reality once their wedding day is over. Those couples get back home from their honeymoon and then it sinks in that they are actually committed to and stuck with their mate for the rest of their lives.
Once reality sets in, couples realize that marriage is more than a wedding; marriage is a partnership that will actually take some skill and some sacrifice. I think one of the biggest reasons some marriages don’t last is because expectations don’t always mesh with what actually happens.
Here are just a few raw realities about marriage, for which newlyweds must prepare.
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Marriages Have Seasons
Just like changes in weather influence how you behave and dress, so do some of the seasons of marriage. Because we are all imperfect people who are always shifting, we have to learn how to shift within our marriages as well. Some seasons are happy, some seasons include major life events like kids or sickness, and some seasons involve finances or job changes. Either way, you have to learn sometimes “what got you here won’t get you there.” Needs change. Just because a new season presents itself, it doesn’t mean the game is over. You must adapt.
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Marriages Need Effective Communicate
Confrontation is not communication. We always hear the most important part of marriage is communication, but how many of us truly know what effective communication really is?
Lots of marriages have arguing, cussing and fussing but lack substantive effective two-way communication. Communication is a SKILL, and you must learn and practice that skill in order to get good at it. Read a book; take a class; do anything other than arguing because it will destroy your marriage and any intimacy within it.
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Marriages Need Surgery
Sometimes there are big issues in a marriage. And instead of getting to the core of the issues, we just keep putting Band-Aids on them. Maybe it’s about sex and intimacy; maybe it’s about family and friends; or maybe it’s about money. Whatever it’s about, you can’t do surface-level “repairs” on a serious wound. You have to be bold enough and vulnerable enough in your relationship to dig deeper, so that a true change can be made and not just a temporary fix.
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Marriages Are Intentional
Sometimes marriage can become routine. And when life happens, we begin to take each other for granted. The only way to stop the routine is to first know that it exists, then become conscious about it, and then be INTENTIONAL about changing it.
Sometimes you may have to create reminders in your phone or write yourself notes, telling yourself to show your spouse some love today. Whatever it takes, you need to be intentional about keeping the romance in your marriage alive This will mean different things to different people and that’s okay…They just need to happen.
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Marriages Need Hard Love
Marriage is supposed to be the safest emotional place for a man or woman. You’re supposed to have a partner whom you can tell about your deepest fears, insecurities, dreams and goals. Vulnerability is a key part of love, and you have to be willing to initially love hard and over time love even harder.
Be aware with vulnerability, comes hurt. Sometimes you will say something you didn’t mean or do something you need to be forgiven for. But in order for the marriage to survive, both people will have to be willing to LOVE hard and FORGIVE often.
The institution of marriage is such a wonderful thing but a good marriage doesn’t just happen, it’s built. It’s built by investing in each other and in the relationship. It’s built by having realistic expectations. And it’s built by remaining conscious of the fact that it takes skills to build anything. So you’re married…now what?
BMWK, is your marriage built on the right foundation?