by Eric Payne
For many of us in the married lane, children, whether discussed at length or barely mentioned, are a foregone conclusion. After all we all got here somehow, right? Well for most men, the difference between the thought/strategy of having a child and finding out you actually are going to have one may as well be the distance between Earth and the Sun.
God bless the man who celebrates with joy, can’t wait to tell all of his friends and hugs his wife to the point that she can’t breathe. I’ve seen these men portrayed in movies and in retrospect I wonder what it might have been like to have had those reactions. But I wasn’t that guy. And based on several recent conversations I’ve had with dads to be and men considering fatherhood, I’m not alone. Most points against having little ones sound like the following:
1. We/I Can’t Afford A Child
Speaking as a member of the middle class, a child causes the responsible man to abandon any prospects of being irresponsible with his money. It also makes him wonder if he or his spouse has enough or will even have enough money to clothe, feed, educate, and nurture a child so that he or she will be a responsible adult. The responsible man either decides he will have to trim the fat out of his budget or work twice as hard (maybe harder) to provide.
2. I Don’t Want To Bring A Child Into This World
Based on current and past historical events no one should want to give birth. Currently we are in the worst global recession since the 1930s. A few years ago, one of the most unpopular presidents in history was in office helping to lay the bricks for many of the crises we face at present. We are fighting, what most pundits spend their time debating, an unwinnable war in Iraq and Afghanistan. Food is so unhealthy now. Kids are distracted more than ever. Obesity is on the rise. There are orphans aplenty right here in the United States and a recent CNN.com article on poverty states that middle-class, college educated citizens are beginning to join the ranks of the food insecure.
3. I’m Not Sure I Want To Bring A Child Into This World”...With You
Only a crazy man or one foolish enough to put his personal safety at risk would ever utter these words out loud to the mother of his child. But believe it or not this is a very natural concern for both sexes. A child makes the responsible person a parent forever. Now the game of life is real. There are no do-overs. There is no walking away. Even if you are head over heels in love with your spouse, you may wonder how you are going to make it, together, through all the years, at the very least eighteen. By together I’m not implying married, I mean simply working together with the other parent to ensure the best for the child. You are now the creator of a life that someone else can lay equal claim to, barring death or criminal behavior. The thought of this can range from being mildly disturbing to completely nauseating.
Hold Your Tongue
No matter how tough a man may believe he is, the above sentiments typically are emotionally based and biased. The overriding emotion is a negative one: fear — mostly of the unknown. These feelings are best shared with men who have already been there: fathers and grandfathers. These men can give you sound advice either because they knew better back when they were in your shoes, or because they now know better based on their mistakes. Don’t think you’re the only one going through this. You’re not. I enjoy being able to dispel new dad jitters or make fun of my own mistakes as a warning to those getting ready to do the same thing. Unfortunately, being a father isn’t a prerequisite for giving good advice. Similar to going to the doctor it’s sometimes good to get a second and even third opinion.
Whatever you do, please under no circumstance speak the above three sentiments aloud to your partner. She is standing before you more vulnerable and scared than you could ever be. What does any of the above have to do with the fact that she is carrying a piece of both of you inside her? She is looking for reassurance and security from you, not a State of the Union address.
If you feel your mouth beginning to form any of the above three sentiments it is better to smile, hold her and say nothing at first until you can make sense of things. You may only need five minutes to get it together. It could take a few hours. Take a knee and pray together. Don’t get heated in the heat of the moment. I am someone who has said two out of the above three. Thoughtless, fear-filled words, no matter how truthful you believe them to be at the time, are almost impossible to take back.
BMWK dads, what do’s and don’ts would you add to this list?
Author of the now infamous, My Wife Is NOT My Friend (on Facebook), Eric talks about being a father and a husband on his blog, Makes Me Wanna Holler ““ Man, Dad, Husband. You can follow him on Twitter or find him chopping it up on his Facebook Page. He is the author of I See Through Eyes, a book of poetry and short stories. In his “spare time” Eric reviews autos and writes relationship articles for Atlanta-based J’Adore Magazine.