by Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham
I recently attended the viewing of Tyler Perry’s most recent movie, “Temptation: Confessions of a Marriage Counselor” and I really enjoyed the storyline and message. The movie explored one of the most self-destructive evils that has caused suffering for mankind since the beginning of time – Temptation. Whether it is playing with infidelity, indulging in inappropriate sexual behavior, indulging in excessive drug use or eating too much unhealthy food, our inability to refrain from doing things that are wrong or unwise continues to be our biggest downfall.
In the pursuit of happiness, which for many of us means seeking pleasure, honor, consideration and moneymaking, we often compromise our values and morals. We allow our desire for pleasure to dictate and influence our behavior. We willingly engage in wrong or bad behavior with the sole intent of pleasuring ourselves. Unfortunately, the more something appears to be out of our reach, the more we desire to have it.
Although, we try to fight-off temptation because we realize that it is wrong and will likely cause us some kind of distress after the initial pleasure fades; we move forward hoping that our conflict will diminish as our emotional, sexual, or financial needs are met. As we glance into the mirror we see ourselves changing for the worse, but the short-term pleasure we experience overrides our ability to see beyond our self-destruction.
As a psychotherapist who has provided counseling to thousands of individuals and couples who struggle to manage temptations, I have learned that the ability to effectively manage temptation requires some degree of self-control. I have also learned that some people have more self-control than others. With this in mind, I have spent a significant amount of time identifying ways which individuals can effectively manage their temptations. Knowing right from wrong is not enough. You have to be strategic when dealing with temptation.
Here are six ways to effectively manage temptation:
1. Stay in Your Zone. Kevin Hart talked about the importance of staying in your zone during his latest stand-up comedy tour. He joked about hanging out with NBA players and other “very rich” individuals who had “long and old money”. During some of their social gatherings Kevin Hart realized that he was out of his zone because he had to make up excuses for not being able to spend money like they spent money. Although he was blessed with “new money”, he understood that his money was not the same as their money. Sometimes you have to be honest with yourself and know when to stay in your zone. Set your own personal standards and avoid comparing your life to others. Recognizing when you are in over your head will save you a lot of heartache, pain and suffering. Temptation is not easily managed when you are outside of your zone.
2. Surround Yourself with Grateful People. Ungrateful people see the world through entitled eyes. In contrast, grateful people see the world through blessed eyes. When you begin to feel unsatisfied with your life, relationship or career, quickly reach out to people who appreciate what they have been blessed with. Passion and ambition are great qualities to possess, but too much of anything will create disharmony in your life. Grateful people do not allow their desire to be successful or to acquire wealth dominate their way of thinking or living. Grateful people seek happiness in moderation in order to maintain harmony and balance.
3. Learn to Forgive Yourself. The inability to forgive ourselves is what intensifies the need to continue doing wrong. Once you have given into your temptation, do not make the mistake of convincing yourself that you are a bad person who is unworthy of forgiveness. This negative thinking causes you to feel bad and it is difficult to do good when you do not feel good about yourself. As long as you are out of sync with your moral or spiritual guidepost, you will continue to make excuses for your inappropriate behavior. Keep in mind that we all have shortcomings. If you struggle with forgiving yourself, please seek spiritual guidance or professional counseling immediately.
4. Be aware of and work through Selfish and Self-centered Thinking. If you find yourself focusing on your personal needs more than others, you are in a bad place. Selfish people are known for seeking attention. Their “me” thinking consumes their thought process and places them at risk of engaging in self-gratifying behavior. The quickest way to get over yourself and to fight off your temptation is to get into somebody else. Instead of being self-absorbed, express what you need and be open to working with those who have your best interest in mind. Isolated and self-centered thinking rarely leads to anything healthy.
5. Understand that Patience is a Virtue. God may not always give you what you want upfront, but He will always supply you with what you need. Sometimes He allows you to yearn for things outside of your immediate reach in order to teach you patience. If you learn to wait on God, things will work out. Doing things your way will often end in disaster. Immediate gratification usually comes with a heavy price. In contrast, delayed gratification means that you might have to sweat and work hard, but the payoff is usually worth the sacrifice. Most people like to take the easy route in life to avoid feeling frustrated. Unfortunately, while traveling the easy path they fail to realize that anything worth having is worth waiting for. If you are consistently frustrated, understand that God is working on you and wants you to be still. Never act out of frustration. Intolerable frustration is unhealthy and those who feel frustrated over an extended period of time typically lose their ability to think clearly. Negative emotions usually generate negative results. Therefore, be patient when you are frustrated and allow God to have His way.
6. Be Decisive and Hold your Ground. A confused and indecisive person will always be at high-risk for giving into temptation. Indecisive people typically lack confidence and will lean on individuals who appear to be more confident for support. Learn to hold your ground and do not waiver in your position. If you do not stand firm, manipulative and egocentric people will pick you apart. Do not play with or underestimate temptation. Practice what helps you stay grounded. If being spiritual has helped you fight off temptation and remain grounded, then do not stray away from it. Being grounded in Christ may be your greatest weapon against temptation.
As you strive to manage your temptation, please remember that everyone is susceptible to it. Also, please remember that it is irrational to believe that you can do wrong and good will come from it. If you desire to make your life and/or relationship as successful as possible, you must learn to live harmoniously with yourself and others. Wanting something that is not right for you is normal; however acting on it is abnormal. Pain and happiness are opposites. If what you want or desire causes you pain or makes you feel bad, then it cannot truly make you happy. Listen to your heart; if it hurts and you feel troubled that means that you are moving in the wrong direction.
Dr. Dwayne L. Buckingham is a renowned psychotherapist, motivational speaker, author and activist who provides life skills, relationship and executive coaching, organizational resiliency training, community empowerment education and keynote speaking. He is also the President and Chief Executive Officer of R.E.A.L. Horizons Consulting Service, LLC located in Silver Spring, Maryland. To learn more about Dr. Dwayne Buckingham visit his website at www.DrBuckingham.com. You can follow Dr. Buckingham on Twitter @DrDBuckingham.