During the beginning of my marriage, it was pretty hard for my husband to get a read on how I was feeling at times. He would ask me what was wrong, and I would look him right in the eyes and say, “nothing.” I knew darn well that was a lie, but I got into the habit of doing it pretty often.
One day, my husband expressed how annoying this habit was and how saying “nothing” made it hard for him to understand what I was feeling. I realized that he was right. From that point on I started saying, “I’m not ready to talk about it yet, but I will be soon.” That was all I needed to say because that was the truth. Saying “nothing” was my weird way of asking for time and space. However, by not answering him honestly, I was creating a problem in my marriage that didn’t need to be there.
We all hold on to habits that don’t serve us well. Sometimes we are oblivious to the damage being done, and sometimes we are well aware of what’s going on, but we just can’t figure out how to change. And while marriage advice typically focuses on all the things we should do to help our unions last, I think it’s important to also focus on the things we need to stop doing.
No marriage is perfect, but if you want to create the happiest, healthiest marriage you can have, you should consider giving up this nine damaging things.
1. The need to be right all the time
I hate to break it to you, but you aren’t right all the time. In fact, sometimes you are dead wrong. Everyone has times when they fall on either side of the fence. Insisting that you are always right will never resolve anything in your marriage, and it just makes you look stubborn. And even if you are right, rubbing it in your spouse’s face isn’t necessary. You can be right and humble.
2. Being critical
Criticism rarely sits well with people unless that criticism is extremely constructive and delivered in the right tone. Your spouse needs your support and compassion a lot more than he or she needs your criticism. Before you get too critical, think about what it will accomplish. The answer is probably NOTHING.
3. Raising your voice
It doesn’t work with children, and it definitely doesn’t work with adults. You have to learn how to communicate—even in times of anger and frustration—without yelling at your spouse. When you yell, the other person doesn’t really hear your message. Yelling makes people shut down.
4. Being disrespectful
Respect is at the foundation of every healthy marriage. If you want your marriage to last, being disrespectful toward your spouse is not the way to do it.
5. Telling your friends and family everything
It’s okay to vent and seek out advice, but sharing all of your marital problems with other people often leads to trouble. The world doesn’t need to know the details about what’s going wrong in your marriage, and you don’t need the world to think your spouse is a jerk just because you shared details about one fight.
6. Pointing fingers
The blame game never helps to resolve anything. Stop pointing fingers. And start examining what your role is and what you can do to change things. You can’t change anyone but yourselves.
7. Keeping things bottled up
I was guilty of this at one point in my marriage. When you keep things bottled up, they remain unresolved; and unresolved issues always resurface. Take some time if you need to, but be sure to address issues and concerns as they come up.
8. Your baggage
Give it up. Let it go. Move on. Your baggage has no place in your marriage. I am not suggesting your baggage or pain isn’t real, but you have to be able to work through it and move on. If you need counseling or therapy, please consider it because holding on to the past while trying to build a future is unhealthy.
9. Unreasonable expectations
Your spouse can’t meet all of your needs, and expecting anyone to meet all of your needs is unreasonable. You have to have realistic expectations if you want your marriage to work. When you expect someone to give you what you should be giving yourself, resentment will surely follow.
BMWK family, what are you willing to give up to help your marriage last?