Dear Dr. Buckingham
I am writing because I am sick and tired of meeting and falling in love with men who are insecure when it comes to expressing emotions and entering into a relationship. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years now. I am considering spending the rest of life with him, but I am not sure if he is secure enough for me. He appears to have it all together on the outside, but occasionally he demonstrates signs of being insecure. He does not like to show sensitive emotions much because he is concerned about me viewing him as being weak. I want to be with a strong man, but I do not want to be with someone who is insecure. I am so confused and do not know what to do. How can I tell if he is secure enough to be in a relationship with and eventually marry?
Thanks, Angela,
Dear Angela,
This may be challenging for women, but it is fairly easy to spot insecure men. One effective way to find out if a man is insecure is to pay attention to how emotionally aroused he becomes when he speaks about commitment and relationships. If a man speaks about commitment and relationships with excitement, openness, optimism and eagerness, he is probably secure in his identity. However, if a man speaks about commitment and relationships with boredom, fear, caution, pessimism and apathy, he is probably insecure. A man who is secure in his identity has the ability to cope with doubt, anxiety and fear. He is not preoccupied with losing control by showing his woman that he cares—he does not pretend to be confident, he is confident.
Listed below are 6 characteristics that secure men possess:
- A secure man is a great provider and protector, but he does not limit his ability to express the God-given emotions he was blessed with.
- A secure man will learn to acknowledge and express sensitive emotions in his relationship because he realizes that he gets what he gives.
- A secure man eliminates the “tough guy, I don’t care” persona because he understands that it will only distance him from you—the woman he loves.
- A secure man does not allow this male dominant society to prevent him from sharing his gift of compassion with you. He is okay showing affection toward you because he understands that he needs a good balance of emotional expression to have a healthy relationship.
- A secure man does not worry about what other men think about him and will express affection for you when he feels it. He will exhibit this behavior because he understands that the expression of sensitive emotions does not convey that he is weak or feminine; it does convey that he is compassionate.
- A secure man understands that God created humans, both men and women, with a full range of emotions because He understood that men, like women, could not appreciate happiness without sadness, calmness without anger, laughter without crying, empathy without judgment, and love without hate. A secure man understands that expressing sensitive emotions is natural and doing so will enable to him share what’s in his heart.
Remember that a secure man is confident, and does not have a problem with opening up to the woman in his life, particularly if it will bring peace into his home and relationship. A secure man will attend professional counseling or seek some type of guidance if his personal shortcomings are creating distress for him and/or the woman he claims to love.
Best regards, Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.