As a woman, who graduated college in four years (despite being a parent), purchased her first home by age 23, and who was the first person in her immediate family to go to college, I can say I’m “driven”. I’ve been that way since I was old enough to see my mom struggle with her independence after she divorced my dad. I had a yearning to make sure that I never had to rely on anyone else to ensure that I was OK . My yearning was never over confidence; it was just the confidence that I could be self sufficient–if necessary.
When I met my husband, that’s one of things he loved about me–my sense of independence. It never intimidated him; he was proud I didn’t “need” his help but instead I “wanted” his help. This is what all men think… Right? That’s what I thought until the other morning I was driving to work here in Atlanta and I heard the following:
“A woman should wait to purchase “big” things (dream car, house, etc) until she’s married. If they don’t wait, then it’s intimidating to a potential mate.”
As I listened, I was not only disturbed but also angered that, in 2012, it’s okay to tell women to lessen what they do in hopes that, one day, they’ll find a mate to do it with. Are men encouraged not to buy a house or a nice car until they find their wife? Of course they’re not! But society makes women believe they always have to change to find a mate. And, this is just another metaphorical slap in our face as women. According to societal standards, women have to now not only be perfect, but they also are being driven in fears that they’ll “scare” off the “perfect” mate!
Is this what being single has come to: literally to wait on the “right mate” so that you can move forward with your life? Shouldn’t secure men be proud that women can do things “on their own”? You see, the belief that women need to “hold back” is the advice given to women usually by insecure men; these are men who are intimidated by a woman’s drive and passion and who will use it as a tool to make us feel like something is wrong with us. The equally sad part is there are single women who listened to this and thought that actually stopping their flow would attract a mate.
As I continued to listen to this show, the hosts went further to say that women who already own big ticket items (car, house, etc.) usually possess confidence like they are “too good” for men who don’t have the same. Now this is one point I could understand because after buying my first house at 23, I had a sense of accomplishment that others might mistake for arrogance. Luckily my then boyfriend (now husband) had to let me how it could “put others off” so I had to adjust my attitude from accomplished to grateful.
Ladies, the reality is if a man wants to be with you, it won’t matter if you own a million dollar mansion, a sports car or if you’re the Senior Vice President of Coca Cola–they will pursue you. These men are usually already secure in who they are, and they appreciate the drive and ambition that many women are forced to have. They understand that becoming someone’s mate is a process that takes a lot of giving and taking. And they aren’t scared off because a woman is successful. So don’t be ashamed of what you’ve done so far in your single life. Whether it’s you buying your first home, your “dream” car or taking your “dream trips”. Instead, be confident that the man for you will view those things as an “add” to the relationship and not as a subtraction from who you are!
Now BMWK family, do you believe that women should wait to do some things after marriage?