The very first post I wrote for BMWK was on a topic, men and infidelity, that seems to always come up when people discuss relationships, and in recent weeks a number of high profile men have made headlines for their cheating ways. First, Arnold Schwarzenegger revealed that he had an affair with a member of his household staff that produced a son who is the same age as one of the former governor’s children with his wife. Next, former U.S. Senator John Edwards was indicted by a federal grand jury on multiple counts, stemming from charges he used money meant for his presidential campaign to support his mistress, Reille Hunter. Their illicit affair produced a child and thrust Edwards, his mistress, and his now-deceased wife into the national spotlight. Most recently, Congressman Anthony Weiner admitted to sending graphic photos to (and having inappropriate conversations with) a number of women online. He initially claimed his Twitter account had been hacked but later confessed to lying to the public about his behavior.
Two things have almost always been certain in the aftermath of news that a politician has been unfaithful: 1) a public apology to express remorse and ask for forgiveness and 2) a loving wife standing supportively at her man’s side.
Times seem to be changing, however, because some of the more recent public apologies have featured press conferences with no spouse in sight. Maybe it’s because wives want to protect themselves and their children from the media frenzy that surrounds these cases, but it’s also possible that their actions signal a new approach to dealing with cheating spouses altogether.
A person’s reaction to an unfaithful partner says a lot about who they are and how much they value their relationship. I posted a question on my Facebook page asking people how they would react to infidelity. Most people said they would work toward forgiveness, while a few said they would pack their bags and leave. Thankfully, the other two choices”””a skillet upside the head” and “a taste of their own medicine”””did not seem to be viable options for most respondents. What’s telling is the fact that some people explicitly stated that while unfaithfulness in marriage could potentially be forgiven, cheating in a non-marital relationship would almost certainly be grounds for dismissal.
The feedback I received indicates that for many people the decision to work through infidelity is directly related to their level of investment in a relationship. For example, a couple that has been married for 15 years has a much greater incentive to work through one partner’s infidelity than a couple that’s only been dating for a few months. Dating and courtship bring no expectation of the type of commitment that characterizes a marital covenant, therefore neither party is under any obligation to work through the multitude of issues that arise after one person has been unfaithful. Furthermore, someone who can’t remain faithful during the dating stage is unlikely to have an epiphany at the altar that causes them to want to be true to their spouse.
Some couples decide to stay together even if full reconciliation is not the goal. Sometimes it’s for the sake of their children and at other times it’s because remaining married brings benefits that outweigh the costs of divorce (e.g., financial, political, etc.). Either scenario seems like it would be a tremendous drain mentally and emotionally. I couldn’t imagine being in a dead, cold, emotionally distant relationship with someone for whom my fire once burned. The other end of the spectrum is seen when the pain of an affair is internalized and manifested through anger and bitterness. While these emotions seem totally reasonable for someone whose partner has been unfaithful, the fact remains that allowing anger to fester ends up damaging the person who’s angry more than the object of their anger. As one pastor at my church put it, “it’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die”.
Infidelity is a major issue in relationships. It has a corrosive effect on intimacy, security, and synergy. While the recent scandals have painted a very negative picture of married men, not every man considers cheating part of his relationship DNA. Chris Rock is noted for stating that men are only as faithful as their options, but I’d like to think that men (and women) are as faithful as their character. More options and opportunities will only highlight a person’s level of integrity, honesty, and loyalty. Ultimately, whatever someone thinks they are getting by being unfaithful pales in comparison to the devastation caused by infidelity and the pain they inflict on the people they claim to love.
BMWK, how would you deal with unfaithfulness in your relationship? Would you try to reconcile or would you leave? Would the type of affair (e.g., sexual, emotional, online) affect your response?
Delano Squires recently completed a Master of Public Policy (MPP) degree program at the George Washington University. His interests are contemporary African American culture and fatherhood, families, and child development. Follow him on Twitter @Mr_Squires.