by Aja Dorsey Jackson
I love my children. With every fiber of my being I love them.
But I’m struggling to enjoy motherhood right now.
Please allow me to bare my soul and be completely honest with you for a moment. I’m not going to give you any standard lines about my kids being the best thing that ever happened to me or say that they’ve made me a better person.
The truth is that I’m tired.
I feel tired. I look tired. I looked at myself in the mirror the other day wearing the plain, snatch back bun that I wear every day, weighing 15 pounds more than I ever thought I would and thought “Who are you?”
I don’t recognize the woman that I am now. The real me is a laid back, go-with-the-flow kind of girl. I rarely stress about anything. Hakuna Matata (no worries) is my mantra. I’m naturally soft-spoken. Before I had my son I probably raised my voice, slightly, once a year. I’m a loner. I can go days without speaking to another person and that’s alright with me. I hate conflict and chaos with a passion. I love to read. I care a lot about my appearance and invest time and energy in preserving my sexy.
That is who I am. Or who I was. Now I wake up and go to sleep stressed out. I scream at the top of my lungs at least five times a day, on a good day. I clean up and my house looks like it was caught in a hurricane 15 minutes later. The rare moment that I do spend away from the kids I never spend on manicures or shopping. I spend the time catching up on everything in the house that I have been neglecting otherwise. I haven’t read a book in over a year.
My husband and I have gotten really good at spending what little time we have after the kids are asleep cuddling and watching television, but we haven’t been out on a date, outside of weddings or birthday parties of our friends, since our anniversary six months ago. I’m excited for work every day, because more than anything else, it feels like a breather.
The truth is that I’m struggling to find the balance. I am trying to be a wife, mother, a writer, hold down a day job, and wear the many other hats that I need to wear on a daily basis and it’s just not easy. One thing that motherhood has taught me is the importance of putting others’ needs before your own. I think that I’ve gotten very good at putting myself last. But sometimes I feel like I’m just getting lost.
If you feel the same, please chime in. If you’re sailing through this motherhood thing with flying colors please exit this post immediately please share your advice. How do you continue to be and make time for yourself with only 24 hours in a day? Do you ever feel like you’re getting “lost” in motherhood?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her on twitter @ajajackson.