by Aja Dorsey Jackson
I love my children. With every fiber of my being I love them.
But I’m struggling to enjoy motherhood right now.
Please allow me to bare my soul and be completely honest with you for a moment. I’m not going to give you any standard lines about my kids being the best thing that ever happened to me or say that they’ve made me a better person.
The truth is that I’m tired.
I feel tired. I look tired. I looked at myself in the mirror the other day wearing the plain, snatch back bun that I wear every day, weighing 15 pounds more than I ever thought I would and thought “Who are you?”
I don’t recognize the woman that I am now. The real me is a laid back, go-with-the-flow kind of girl. I rarely stress about anything. Hakuna Matata (no worries) is my mantra. I’m naturally soft-spoken. Before I had my son I probably raised my voice, slightly, once a year. I’m a loner. I can go days without speaking to another person and that’s alright with me. I hate conflict and chaos with a passion. I love to read. I care a lot about my appearance and invest time and energy in preserving my sexy.
That is who I am. Or who I was. Now I wake up and go to sleep stressed out. I scream at the top of my lungs at least five times a day, on a good day. I clean up and my house looks like it was caught in a hurricane 15 minutes later. The rare moment that I do spend away from the kids I never spend on manicures or shopping. I spend the time catching up on everything in the house that I have been neglecting otherwise. I haven’t read a book in over a year.
My husband and I have gotten really good at spending what little time we have after the kids are asleep cuddling and watching television, but we haven’t been out on a date, outside of weddings or birthday parties of our friends, since our anniversary six months ago. I’m excited for work every day, because more than anything else, it feels like a breather.
The truth is that I’m struggling to find the balance. I am trying to be a wife, mother, a writer, hold down a day job, and wear the many other hats that I need to wear on a daily basis and it’s just not easy. One thing that motherhood has taught me is the importance of putting others’ needs before your own. I think that I’ve gotten very good at putting myself last. But sometimes I feel like I’m just getting lost.
If you feel the same, please chime in. If you’re sailing through this motherhood thing with flying colors please exit this post immediately please share your advice. How do you continue to be and make time for yourself with only 24 hours in a day? Do you ever feel like you’re getting “lost” in motherhood?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her on twitter @ajajackson.
Feisty Irish Wench says
I had 2 boys when I was 17 & 18, and they are 15 months apart. I struggled to balance my youth with my responsibilities as a wife and mother. I lost sight of my self, my interests, my person. It took me a long time to learn that I must get back to that woman behind the ROLES of wife, mother, friend, sister, worker, etc. When I started pursuing my own interests, I started to bloom. My kids need to see me do what interests me, what I enjoy, and what makes me happy. Then 7 years later a daughter arrived, and it became even more important to set a good example for her, and our youngest girl who arrived 7 years after that. Yes, that’s 4 kids, ages 1 to 17. Part of my parenting philosophy is that it is my job as a mother to put myself out of work. Therefore I must teach all of them how to cook, clean, tend house, handle money & deal with other people. I can’t be a lawnmower or helicopter parent as it sets them up for failures and sets me up for a lifetime of doing things for my kids when they should do for themselves, or even do for me at times.
If I am so busy doing everything FOR my family, then I don’t get to enjoy them like I ought to do, I don’t get to enjoy doing things WITH them. I don’t live my life FOR my children. I live my life WITH them. They see my husband and I go out together as well as do our own individual things. And sometimes, we leave the kitchen a mess simply because we’re too tired to do anything about it, and the kids went to bed before we remembered to delegate that task to them.
Feisty Irish Wench says
I had 2 boys when I was 17 & 18, and they are 15 months apart. I struggled to balance my youth with my responsibilities as a wife and mother. I lost sight of my self, my interests, my person. It took me a long time to learn that I must get back to that woman behind the ROLES of wife, mother, friend, sister, worker, etc. When I started pursuing my own interests, I started to bloom. My kids need to see me do what interests me, what I enjoy, and what makes me happy. Then 7 years later a daughter arrived, and it became even more important to set a good example for her, and our youngest girl who arrived 7 years after that. Yes, that’s 4 kids, ages 1 to 17. Part of my parenting philosophy is that it is my job as a mother to put myself out of work. Therefore I must teach all of them how to cook, clean, tend house, handle money & deal with other people. I can’t be a lawnmower or helicopter parent as it sets them up for failures and sets me up for a lifetime of doing things for my kids when they should do for themselves, or even do for me at times.
If I am so busy doing everything FOR my family, then I don’t get to enjoy them like I ought to do, I don’t get to enjoy doing things WITH them. I don’t live my life FOR my children. I live my life WITH them. They see my husband and I go out together as well as do our own individual things. And sometimes, we leave the kitchen a mess simply because we’re too tired to do anything about it, and the kids went to bed before we remembered to delegate that task to them.
Feisty Irish Wench says
I had 2 boys when I was 17 & 18, and they are 15 months apart. I struggled to balance my youth with my responsibilities as a wife and mother. I lost sight of my self, my interests, my person. It took me a long time to learn that I must get back to that woman behind the ROLES of wife, mother, friend, sister, worker, etc. When I started pursuing my own interests, I started to bloom. My kids need to see me do what interests me, what I enjoy, and what makes me happy. Then 7 years later a daughter arrived, and it became even more important to set a good example for her, and our youngest girl who arrived 7 years after that. Yes, that’s 4 kids, ages 1 to 17. Part of my parenting philosophy is that it is my job as a mother to put myself out of work. Therefore I must teach all of them how to cook, clean, tend house, handle money & deal with other people. I can’t be a lawnmower or helicopter parent as it sets them up for failures and sets me up for a lifetime of doing things for my kids when they should do for themselves, or even do for me at times.
If I am so busy doing everything FOR my family, then I don’t get to enjoy them like I ought to do, I don’t get to enjoy doing things WITH them. I don’t live my life FOR my children. I live my life WITH them. They see my husband and I go out together as well as do our own individual things. And sometimes, we leave the kitchen a mess simply because we’re too tired to do anything about it, and the kids went to bed before we remembered to delegate that task to them.
Yasmine says
I am a mother of 18 month boy,I used to be very sexy before marriage,I take care of myself very well,I was even little bit selfish,but now I am totally difference,when I look in the mirror I find a monster !!!,I look horrible with my tired face & I look I am 60 years old not 30 years old,sometimes I forgot to go to the bathroom or drink water,I am always running around,I recently worked thats why I can check the net & can find type anything there,but as soon as I pick my baby form the nursery,I start again to be the stranger whom I dont know & I dont like,I am trying mmy best to be a perfect mum but I am never perfect caz my son don’t accept everything I do for him.
I know how you feel Aja & hope you will give more time for yourself,even if it take sometime from your babies time ,I realized its not selfish,I want to start doing this,I am not doing this,I am puttin myself the very last after my son & my husband…so hope you can share with me what ou have done,my email is [email protected]…Hope things will get better for you & me..but the main key which I realized from the past comments,that (ORGANIZING) is the key for everything,you should put a time for everything,which I dont do,I am rooming around all the day..
TriSha Sha says
Just a reflection of yourselves…now that I am a grandmother and my babies are 14/17/21/23/27 does things get easier for me? You know when they say most of the time if you are born poor you tend to stay that way from which you have came, not without enough $ is a big problem. So, all I can do is continue to love them with every fiber of my being and still find that space of equation to do somethings, at least be present for myself. I am guesting that self love is a reflection of time in is what you come out with, I keep looking for that first within me time just to do what I like to do to keep my head above water, I go to the gym at 51 yrs old and it is no longer a chore but revitalizing. I am one of the oldest female ones there, I had to learn to accept many things. My divorce, and now my beloved one is an inmate and I ask where am I now everyday I find me time, quietly, thank you for this article Aja. There is so much more to that woman that is to come in the next few years moving straight ahead the children we will not be babies forever…lol hang in there Mommies.