by Aja Dorsey Jackson
I love my children. With every fiber of my being I love them.
But I’m struggling to enjoy motherhood right now.
Please allow me to bare my soul and be completely honest with you for a moment. I’m not going to give you any standard lines about my kids being the best thing that ever happened to me or say that they’ve made me a better person.
The truth is that I’m tired.
I feel tired. I look tired. I looked at myself in the mirror the other day wearing the plain, snatch back bun that I wear every day, weighing 15 pounds more than I ever thought I would and thought “Who are you?”
I don’t recognize the woman that I am now. The real me is a laid back, go-with-the-flow kind of girl. I rarely stress about anything. Hakuna Matata (no worries) is my mantra. I’m naturally soft-spoken. Before I had my son I probably raised my voice, slightly, once a year. I’m a loner. I can go days without speaking to another person and that’s alright with me. I hate conflict and chaos with a passion. I love to read. I care a lot about my appearance and invest time and energy in preserving my sexy.
That is who I am. Or who I was. Now I wake up and go to sleep stressed out. I scream at the top of my lungs at least five times a day, on a good day. I clean up and my house looks like it was caught in a hurricane 15 minutes later. The rare moment that I do spend away from the kids I never spend on manicures or shopping. I spend the time catching up on everything in the house that I have been neglecting otherwise. I haven’t read a book in over a year.
My husband and I have gotten really good at spending what little time we have after the kids are asleep cuddling and watching television, but we haven’t been out on a date, outside of weddings or birthday parties of our friends, since our anniversary six months ago. I’m excited for work every day, because more than anything else, it feels like a breather.
The truth is that I’m struggling to find the balance. I am trying to be a wife, mother, a writer, hold down a day job, and wear the many other hats that I need to wear on a daily basis and it’s just not easy. One thing that motherhood has taught me is the importance of putting others’ needs before your own. I think that I’ve gotten very good at putting myself last. But sometimes I feel like I’m just getting lost.
If you feel the same, please chime in. If you’re sailing through this motherhood thing with flying colors please exit this post immediately please share your advice. How do you continue to be and make time for yourself with only 24 hours in a day? Do you ever feel like you’re getting “lost” in motherhood?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her on twitter @ajajackson.
Harriet R. Williams says
Aja, girl, you know I feel you. It can be a vicious cycle that seems never ending, so I’m not gonna belabor the point. You gotta break through. Even if it’s baby steps, you gotta take them until you get that beautiful person back.
One thing I learned was that it’s just as much a selfish act to put yourself last as it is to put yourself first. I know that sounds crazy, but it is what it is. If you put yourself last all the time, you’ll get drained and won’t have the energy to take care of everything/everyone else like you know you need to. Or worse yet, you’ll get sick (mentally, emotionally or physically), and then who will take care of all your responsibilities?
I had to learn to take care of me. I found a martial arts class that both my son and I could take, and started losing weight almost immediately. Of course you know date nights are no longer existent for me since my marriage dissolved, but I take myself out every other week just to unwind and get adult stimulation. Once a month, I get my hair done (unless I have it in twists or braids just so I don’t have to bother with it).
As far as cleaning up, I do it as I go. I can’t afford to let things pile up, and I also give my son responsibilities so he can learn to clean up after himself, too.
You can get YOU back, Aja. It just takes a little creativity (which you’re gonna have to dig deep for, because that can drain you, too. LOL).
Sorry this is so long. Get my number from Lamar if you just want to talk, OK? Love ya, and thanks for the transparency!
Harriet R. Williams says
Aja, girl, you know I feel you. It can be a vicious cycle that seems never ending, so I’m not gonna belabor the point. You gotta break through. Even if it’s baby steps, you gotta take them until you get that beautiful person back.
One thing I learned was that it’s just as much a selfish act to put yourself last as it is to put yourself first. I know that sounds crazy, but it is what it is. If you put yourself last all the time, you’ll get drained and won’t have the energy to take care of everything/everyone else like you know you need to. Or worse yet, you’ll get sick (mentally, emotionally or physically), and then who will take care of all your responsibilities?
I had to learn to take care of me. I found a martial arts class that both my son and I could take, and started losing weight almost immediately. Of course you know date nights are no longer existent for me since my marriage dissolved, but I take myself out every other week just to unwind and get adult stimulation. Once a month, I get my hair done (unless I have it in twists or braids just so I don’t have to bother with it).
As far as cleaning up, I do it as I go. I can’t afford to let things pile up, and I also give my son responsibilities so he can learn to clean up after himself, too.
You can get YOU back, Aja. It just takes a little creativity (which you’re gonna have to dig deep for, because that can drain you, too. LOL).
Sorry this is so long. Get my number from Lamar if you just want to talk, OK? Love ya, and thanks for the transparency!
TheMrs says
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HONEST!!!!! I am a mother of 5 and until 3 yrs ago I worked outside of the home. My life revolves completely around my children and my husband and I too put myself last all too often. Our date nights have changed drastically as we added on the children, but we do try to get out atleast once a month. I made it a point to wear my hair out everyday, my husband was SICK of the ponytail and bun(I’ve got shoulder length hair with body to kill for…lol). And I’m not even going to get into the amount of cleaning that has to be done…right now my house looks like a warzone, but this is my quiet ME time so I will sip on my coffee for a bit, surf the web and get to it in an hour. It’s taken me some time to get back to the person I was, or as close to it as I can get, before I was a parent and wife. As for stress, I personally don’t let anything bother me. I can’t control every aspect of everyone’s lives, I can’t make someone else be on time for a play date, I can’t make traffic open up for me when I want to get somewhere during rush hour, etc. so I don’t stress over it. Yup, I scream and yell at the kids often enough but remember that they do eventually go to bed.
I don’t know the ages of your children, but they can also help out around the house with some of the minor chores…my youngest daughter was about 18 mths, my twins would have been 2-1/2 yrs and my oldest would have been about 5-1/2 yrs and we named the oldest “Toddler Table Supervisor” and she was in charge of setting the kid’s table, clearing it, wiping it off and sweeping the discarded food from under it after the meal(smarty pants ended up putting a sheet under the table and shaking it in the trash after meals) which although is only a maybe 10 min chore it gave me time to do something else.
Courtney says
Oh Aja, I feel you girl! I think that everything that you’re feeling is normal and shared by all of us mothers. I’m a married (8yrs) , working mother of two. I thought at first you must have been reading my diary right up until you got to the part about spending time with your husband. I have been through every emotion and stage that you listed. Here a few things I did to find myself again.
You two have got to start dating again! We have a standing Saturday night “hot” date. At the end of week after crazy week, we really look forward to our alone, adult time. This also gives me a chance to get cuter than I would for work. It allows me to continue to feel sexy and intouch with the times. Getting out together often allows you two to still feel so connected and to ultimately form your “Us against the World” outlook on life. You also need this time as a endearing reminder for why you’ve signed up for all this craziness- him.
The other thing you’ve got to do is make a decision to claim your sexy back. Noone feels their best when we’re carrying extra weight around. I felt frumpy up until the day I was able to get back into all of my old sexy clothes. Everyone knows that there’s no secret to losing weight, but that doesn’t make it any easier with our hectic lives. The hardest part is switching your mindset. It has to become a lifestyle change. I’m only motivated when I have an upcoming event that I know I’d want to look amazing for (vacation/party/reunion). So, I use that as my goal whenever I need to lose a few pounds.
Make an immediate switch to your diet and add 45 mins of cardio 4 times /week to see the fastest results. If you need a proven system I’d recommend Dr. Ian’s 4 day diet. (Its hard work and takes proper planning, but it works, if you will) This is how I lost my last 15 pounds that seem to linger with most of us. 8 weeks later, I felt and looked like my old self. Once you start feeling good again, it’s amazing how exercise and diet will also keep your sex life active and exciting. I can’t think of anything more flattering than my husband still craving me after all these years!
I still am unhappy about how often I now have to raise my voice to discipline my kids and the fact that I can’t keep my house clean for longer than an hour. However, I just keep reminding myself that this is just a stage in life that too, will pass. Supposedly, I hear we might even miss this period. Hmmm?
But in the meanwhile, make sure you don’t lose yourself completely. Once you start taking the time for yourself you won’t feel right without it. Teach your husband to help you carve out some “me” time (hair appt and/or nails and /or spa days. You, your children, and most importantly, your husband, will reep all the benefits of having the old you back! Now go get ’em and God Bless you!
Ronnie_BMWK says
Thanks for being so honest Aja..and thanks for your advice courtney.I think it is right on point.
I often feel like Aja…and so I am making little changes to make sure the I feel better about me and that I have my me time. You really have to put effort into carving out me time (even if it is 45 minutes at the gym or talking to a friend on the phone…or shopping.) A happy mommy = a happy family!!
Ronnie_BMWK says
Thanks for being so honest Aja..and thanks for your advice courtney.I think it is right on point.
I often feel like Aja…and so I am making little changes to make sure the I feel better about me and that I have my me time. You really have to put effort into carving out me time (even if it is 45 minutes at the gym or talking to a friend on the phone…or shopping.) A happy mommy = a happy family!!
Tina says
OMG…This is so me! I have been tremendously depressed because I didn’t know how to be a mommy and still maintain me. My son is 20 months and so it has been very hard for me to figure out how to keep the house clean, make my spouse happy and keep myself going. There are so many days when I too am so stressed that I feel like my only moment of happiness comes when I am at work. One of my best girlfriends just recently told me that as much as we want to..WE CAN’T ALWAYS DO THINGS ON OUR OWN and that we must reach out to someone and discuss things so that we don’t snap at our kids or at our significant others. There are so many days when it is hard to think about doing anything for myself because I have other people that I have to be concerned with. Let’s not even discuss the lack of intimacy or even a date night because that isn’t even happening.
I look at my image everyday and wonder what has happened to ME?
Christina says
Aja,
Bless you for you honesty. I am not at all sailing through motherhood and I don’t have much advice. One thing I would offer, though, is I found the job a lot less stressful when I stopped screaming at my sons. I have a 7 y.o. and 2 y.o. and they keep me on my toes. But I found that I was contributing to the crazy that was stressing me by yelling at them. I try now to take a breath before I address them (especially the oldest) about things. I genuinely believe it’s helped calm him as well.
I will be praying for you.
Somsharp1 says
Well I am a new mother (my son is just 12 weeks old) and I had him late in life so I COMPLETELY understand about the struggle of trying to preserve some of who you were while embracing who you’ve become. I think about it all the time and sometimes even resent the new me for having to give up some aspects of the old me. I haven’t found that balance yet either. And so far as time spent with my fiance?? It’s a MESS! All we do is talk about problems, bills, and issues. We barely kiss, hardly hug, and FORGET about intimacy (in addition to the new baby I’ve also inherited a 7 year old step daughter we have EVERY weekend)…..Yes I love my baby DEARLY; I can’t stop kissing him whenever I get the chance; but sometimes I stop, take a look around and think ‘How tha HELL did I get here’??!!
Ladydetour says
Happy 18th Anniversary to me and my husband on 4/10/11!!!!
lol, now that i got that out of the way, i have four girls along with my husband. My girls are teens and they demand just as much now than they did when they were younger. How i keep looking beautiful and also giving them all they need is “Me Time”!!!
When my children were young I made sure they were in bed by 9pm!! Then I had time to re-straighten their chores. yes, give your children daily chores…they are never too young to start..washing dishes (i have 4 dish washers lol) wiping off the table, vacuuming the living room floor, etc. After their in bed i can redo what they missed then sit down and relax followed by a long shower in bed by 11pm.
I give my husband his “Man Cave” he has the basement. turned it into a den and when he goes down, i do not bother him. he comes back up a better man. who cares what he does i am reaping the benefits of it lol.
I always make sure i do a several hours with one of my girl friends on – to the movies, wings & things or to sit on my deck and catch up. twice per month. i keeps me connected to them (but trust I do not have a threesome in my marriage- i keep my girlfriends out of my business!!!) and their lives.
Also church, i praise the lord and it rejuvenates me to tackle the week ahead.
And let me tell you one more thing…make time for pedi/manicures on saturdays. trust me it is the best 1 1/2 hour of your life. i do it every 3 weeks. girl, and i get my hair done often. i am sharp!! if i dont feel good – then my husband doesnt feel good, my house falls apart, it affects my job and my girls suffer.
Trust me to last 18 years – do “Me Time”!!!!
now, go hit the movies by yourself for 2 hours and tell us how you feel tomorrow, lol.
Rachel says
Your column is refresing because of how honest you are. I’m a new mature mother. My baby just turned 5 months old. One reason why I waited until I was older to have a child is because I wanted to enjoy my “single time” and because my husband didn’t come along until later in life. Every girlfriend I have that is raising or has raised children tells me “in time every segment of motherhood passes. ” They tell me to keep a this too shall pass mantra. They tell me you will blink and he’ll be all grown up. I believe this. However, there are days when I’m asking myself where did the day go and why do I still have so much to do and no time or strength to do it. I do wonder if once my son starts to crawl and then walk if motherhood won’t then become more of a challange and will I be up to it. When those thoughts panic me I simply remind myself to take one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time.
Starting the day with prayer helps me make it through the challanges of motherhood. Also for those who miss reading books I recommend books on cd. Riding in my car listening to my favorite book is a daily joy as well as listening at work as thank God I have a job where I can put a CD in the disc drive, work and listen with headphones on. I’ve learned to survive on less sleep, which isn’t always good but to get my exercise in I’ve had to get up earlier. My husband and I look at parenting as a partnership and when I need him to takeover parenting while I rest, get a bubblebath, etc. he is more than willing to do so and I do the same for him. I’m also thankful that we have family members to help out too, especially on those much needed date nights, which we have to work to schedule. Remember we cannot be afraid to ask for help. I had to give up my superwoman tendencies and admit I cannot do it all.
Oh, and a clean house– forget about it. I took off from work one day and still took my son to the babysitter’s house (you have to do it sometime) to clean the house, which honestly was back to an organized mess the next day. The same day I took off from work along with cleaning I also went to a movie all by myself and went to workout because I realize I’m no good for anyone else if I don’t take care of myself. Will Smith said in an interview I read in Essence Magazine some time ago that he puts himself first because if he is not at top functioning condition then he can give nothing to anyone else. Initially I thought that is such a man’s thought process and that Will is wealthy and probably has hired help but when you think about he is right— you have to give to yourself because if you don’t you really won’t be able to give the best of yourself to anyone else. It’s hard to run with that mindset because as women we are conditioned otherwise, but there is a truth in it that every woman has to recognize and for at least an hour a day live by.
Anonymous says
These comments have solidified in my mind why I only want ONE child. Kids are a joy but they wreak havoc on a marriage. I got married later in life and I enjoy my husband very much. Lots of kids is definitely a route I don’t think we will be taking. That’s for the honesty!
Anonymous says
These comments have solidified in my mind why I only want ONE child. Kids are a joy but they wreak havoc on a marriage. I got married later in life and I enjoy my husband very much. Lots of kids is definitely a route I don’t think we will be taking. That’s for the honesty!
Anonymous says
These comments have solidified in my mind why I only want ONE child. Kids are a joy but they wreak havoc on a marriage. I got married later in life and I enjoy my husband very much. Lots of kids is definitely a route I don’t think we will be taking. That’s for the honesty!
mommattorney says
I have 2 kids and I could not handle a third, lol. Its good to know your own limitations in advance. I praise and applaud those who have more and are sane, but I know my limits.
Awillis says
Yes! I agree with you! I am not married and I have no children. I am 39 and have been dragging my feet on settling down and deciding whether creating a family is right for me. The way our system is structured and with moms working full-time, it has always appeared to be more of a burden to parent than a joy.
Ironically, I really love children and enjoy the experience of interacting with them and teaching them but I am exhausted when I get home now after all the office politics, traffic, etc., I can’t imagine adding both a husband AND a child to that mix.
I thank you Aja for bringing this issue to the table so women like me can make real and informed decisions based on reality and not fantasy.
Nonetheless, once you create some breathing room for yourself, I am sure you will find balance and joy in you journey! 🙂 God Speed..
mommattorney says
Taking care of “you” is not being selfish. Only then can you mentally and physically take care of others. As mothers, we feel as though thinking this way is selfish, but its not. I have been with my husband for 13 years and my oldest is 11. for the first 6 years of his life, I neglected myself and my husband only to realize that I was doing all of us a disservice. Don’t let yourself get into that habit because while your children are the center of your universe, they are not the ONLY things in that universe. Part of raising your children right is setting a “realistic” example of what a mother/wife/woman should be.
You have to learn that being superwoman means that some things will slip through the cracks. You have to not only learn that, but accept it as reality. If I can’t clean today because my husband and I need us time, then I’ll do it when I can. Everyday I have to prioritize and somethings get pushed to the bottom, when you have 24 hours to do 30 hours worth of “stuff”, something has to give. We as women need to understand that doesn’t make us less than, it makes us smart and creative.
You have to make time for you, that is the key to a happy home. Saturday mornings, I take an exercise class, that is my time. Its 1 hour out of the week I focus on me and my family is happier because of it. My husband and I have learned that “us” time is non-negotiable. we have date night at minimum 1x a month. You do not want to neglect that either. Every few months we rent a hotel for a weekend in-town. Once a year we take 2 vacations, 1 for me and the husband only (that is the highlight of my year) and 1 for the whole family. Always remember that before the children, you were your husband’s girlfriend. Part of you needs to stay his girlfriend. Don’t neglect your wifely duties anymore than you would your motherly or self duties, that will kill a marriage quickly. Not to male bash, but I have brothers and they all will tell you the quickest way to have your man looking at something else is to treat him like he’s at the bottom of your list, as soon as you stop being his girlfriend, someone else will start.
I am a scheduler by nature. Everyone has to set their own schedules but this is how I do it. Monday-Friday is hectic. Friday night we go out as family to dinner or a movie. Saturday morning is me time. Saturday afternoon is me and the kids time, Saturday night is me and the husband’s time. Sunday is chores, hair and whatever else fits in. Every Sunday my husband and I make brunch for the family and we make it a point to have family fun-time for an hour or 2 where we watch a movie, board game, or go out. I also found a cleaning service for $100 they will clean like nobody’s business. So when I just can’t do it every now and then, I have someone else do it. Now of course things happen but this is the schedule we try to set and stick to. Don’t get me wrong, it aint easy and things don’t always work out, but as a human-being you have to allow for a certain margin of error.
Wearing a lot of hats means you have to be a realist. You have to take time for you, even if its a half an hour here or there. But please don’t allow yourself to slip through the cracks. Your family would rather have a happy you then a stressed out one.
mommattorney says
Taking care of “you” is not being selfish. Only then can you mentally and physically take care of others. As mothers, we feel as though thinking this way is selfish, but its not. I have been with my husband for 13 years and my oldest is 11. for the first 6 years of his life, I neglected myself and my husband only to realize that I was doing all of us a disservice. Don’t let yourself get into that habit because while your children are the center of your universe, they are not the ONLY things in that universe. Part of raising your children right is setting a “realistic” example of what a mother/wife/woman should be.
You have to learn that being superwoman means that some things will slip through the cracks. You have to not only learn that, but accept it as reality. If I can’t clean today because my husband and I need us time, then I’ll do it when I can. Everyday I have to prioritize and somethings get pushed to the bottom, when you have 24 hours to do 30 hours worth of “stuff”, something has to give. We as women need to understand that doesn’t make us less than, it makes us smart and creative.
You have to make time for you, that is the key to a happy home. Saturday mornings, I take an exercise class, that is my time. Its 1 hour out of the week I focus on me and my family is happier because of it. My husband and I have learned that “us” time is non-negotiable. we have date night at minimum 1x a month. You do not want to neglect that either. Every few months we rent a hotel for a weekend in-town. Once a year we take 2 vacations, 1 for me and the husband only (that is the highlight of my year) and 1 for the whole family. Always remember that before the children, you were your husband’s girlfriend. Part of you needs to stay his girlfriend. Don’t neglect your wifely duties anymore than you would your motherly or self duties, that will kill a marriage quickly. Not to male bash, but I have brothers and they all will tell you the quickest way to have your man looking at something else is to treat him like he’s at the bottom of your list, as soon as you stop being his girlfriend, someone else will start.
I am a scheduler by nature. Everyone has to set their own schedules but this is how I do it. Monday-Friday is hectic. Friday night we go out as family to dinner or a movie. Saturday morning is me time. Saturday afternoon is me and the kids time, Saturday night is me and the husband’s time. Sunday is chores, hair and whatever else fits in. Every Sunday my husband and I make brunch for the family and we make it a point to have family fun-time for an hour or 2 where we watch a movie, board game, or go out. I also found a cleaning service for $100 they will clean like nobody’s business. So when I just can’t do it every now and then, I have someone else do it. Now of course things happen but this is the schedule we try to set and stick to. Don’t get me wrong, it aint easy and things don’t always work out, but as a human-being you have to allow for a certain margin of error.
Wearing a lot of hats means you have to be a realist. You have to take time for you, even if its a half an hour here or there. But please don’t allow yourself to slip through the cracks. Your family would rather have a happy you then a stressed out one.
mommattorney says
Taking care of “you” is not being selfish. Only then can you mentally and physically take care of others. As mothers, we feel as though thinking this way is selfish, but its not. I have been with my husband for 13 years and my oldest is 11. for the first 6 years of his life, I neglected myself and my husband only to realize that I was doing all of us a disservice. Don’t let yourself get into that habit because while your children are the center of your universe, they are not the ONLY things in that universe. Part of raising your children right is setting a “realistic” example of what a mother/wife/woman should be.
You have to learn that being superwoman means that some things will slip through the cracks. You have to not only learn that, but accept it as reality. If I can’t clean today because my husband and I need us time, then I’ll do it when I can. Everyday I have to prioritize and somethings get pushed to the bottom, when you have 24 hours to do 30 hours worth of “stuff”, something has to give. We as women need to understand that doesn’t make us less than, it makes us smart and creative.
You have to make time for you, that is the key to a happy home. Saturday mornings, I take an exercise class, that is my time. Its 1 hour out of the week I focus on me and my family is happier because of it. My husband and I have learned that “us” time is non-negotiable. we have date night at minimum 1x a month. You do not want to neglect that either. Every few months we rent a hotel for a weekend in-town. Once a year we take 2 vacations, 1 for me and the husband only (that is the highlight of my year) and 1 for the whole family. Always remember that before the children, you were your husband’s girlfriend. Part of you needs to stay his girlfriend. Don’t neglect your wifely duties anymore than you would your motherly or self duties, that will kill a marriage quickly. Not to male bash, but I have brothers and they all will tell you the quickest way to have your man looking at something else is to treat him like he’s at the bottom of your list, as soon as you stop being his girlfriend, someone else will start.
I am a scheduler by nature. Everyone has to set their own schedules but this is how I do it. Monday-Friday is hectic. Friday night we go out as family to dinner or a movie. Saturday morning is me time. Saturday afternoon is me and the kids time, Saturday night is me and the husband’s time. Sunday is chores, hair and whatever else fits in. Every Sunday my husband and I make brunch for the family and we make it a point to have family fun-time for an hour or 2 where we watch a movie, board game, or go out. I also found a cleaning service for $100 they will clean like nobody’s business. So when I just can’t do it every now and then, I have someone else do it. Now of course things happen but this is the schedule we try to set and stick to. Don’t get me wrong, it aint easy and things don’t always work out, but as a human-being you have to allow for a certain margin of error.
Wearing a lot of hats means you have to be a realist. You have to take time for you, even if its a half an hour here or there. But please don’t allow yourself to slip through the cracks. Your family would rather have a happy you then a stressed out one.
am says
I have been there and done that and I just want you to know IT WILL GET BETTER!. Being aware is half the battle.
Things that got me through: Repeating to myself “This too shall pass!”; learning to take time out for myself (in very creative ways); letting things go (my house could not look like house beautiful every day); girlfriends; asking for help; joy in seeing your children grow in to the people that you have helped mold them to be.
This is every mother’s lament; but the rewards are worth it as they grow.
am says
I have been there and done that and I just want you to know IT WILL GET BETTER!. Being aware is half the battle.
Things that got me through: Repeating to myself “This too shall pass!”; learning to take time out for myself (in very creative ways); letting things go (my house could not look like house beautiful every day); girlfriends; asking for help; joy in seeing your children grow in to the people that you have helped mold them to be.
This is every mother’s lament; but the rewards are worth it as they grow.
I.AM.Hope says
yes it does get better!!!! check out https://www.muminmotion.blogspot.com/
Ayana_albert says
Wow!!! this is so on target. I think most moms believe (or are taught) that the best kind of mom is the one that puts herself last. I learned the hard way that that rule of thumb makes no sense. I was the person you described until I simply burned out. I woke up one morning and just couldn’t do it anymore. I explained to my husband through boughts of shouting and tears that I was simply TIRED; that every now and then, I need to just be Ayana…not mommy, and not wife, just me. He got the point quickly…now I make an effort at least once per week, usually on Sunday afternoons to do something ALONE…just for me…the gym, shopping, sitting in silence, taking a walk…the bottom line is, you have to take time for you guilt free. You’ll find that you yell less and less likely to fly off the handle. Someone said in previous post, “happy mommy=happy family”…and it’s correct. I like the wife and mother I am now because I take time to be Ayana. Chisel out some time where you can do the same…housework, errands, bills, qt with the husband can all wait…for just a little “me” time. It truly is a benefit for the entire family.
Snlynch says
I needed this like I need air.I am a mother of three and a stay at home mom.I am also a student. It is hard to try to find a delicate balance.I don’t even know who I am anymore, I don’t know my role.All I want is one day away where I can be alone and not get pulled,tugged, or stressed. I’m always on high alert.I need a break.
momto3 says
I understand you completely. Seriously. So much that I DON’T want my daughters to get married or become mothers. This is exhausting, gut-wrenching work. There is some butterflies and roses no doubt; but so much of it is mundane and tiring. I turned 30 in January, and that has led to some of the greatest soul-searching I’ve ever done. I look in the mirror and wonder how I got these rolls in the middle, or why my hair looks a mess. Where have my goals gone? My dreams? Hell, at this point I’ll just take my sexy back.
I’m depressed. I’m sad. And typing this out has me in tears. The worst part is that I blame myself for not thinking this out at 30 having no damn definition of who I am.
mommattorney says
Now that you realize this, you have to move past it. I think as women we saw other women who pretended being a mother was perfect and they never tired or got angry. Now that we are in this position we realize that it is a beautiful thing but like anything worth having it takes hard work and sacrifice. Teach your daughters that it is hard work, not that it isn’t worth it. At the end of the day, you have to see the beauty in life. I have 2 wonderful kids who will grow up and be productive members of society. While it is hard, I see the beauty in what they are becoming. And see the beauty in what I have become and how I have evolved as a woman.
Hrsands2979 says
hang in there. i have been there. 30 is not the end all to be all . you are just looking back and asking questions. the good thing is that this is not the end. 30 is still YOUNG and you still have time to find yourself or become who you want to be. i’m 32, just turned 32 two weeks ago and i have just, in the last year got out of my rut and you know what i thank God for everyday now. i’m a mommy of three and have been married 10 years so believe when i say i understand. You cannot allow your current situation frame what your future will be. there is still alot of living to do and as long as God lets you see those days savor them. i’ll be praying for you sister.
Lisa says
Thank you for sharing. I really appreciate the honesty shared in your post and all of the posts here.
But, I hope you don’t go down the path of telling your daughters that you don’t want them to get married or become mothers. I can’t speak on the motherhood part, as I do not yet have children, but I am a newlywed at 33, and so far, it is the best thing that ever happened to me. However, I might have missed out on such a great blessing because there were a number of women who, when I was younger, kept telling me not to bother with marriage or to wait as long as possible to do so. I realize they were speaking from the heart about their situation and what they missed out on by marrying or becoming mothers early — or by marrying the wrong men — but the last thing that black girls and young women need to hear is that they should not get married.
Too many black women are missing out on so many social, financial and emotional benefits that come with being in a good marriage, and I know of many black women in their 30s who feel very bitter because they were told by their mothers NOT to get married and therefore, they have little to no experience in having healthy relationships with men and don’t even know how to open up to begin to trust them. I was on my path to becoming one of those women as well, but I’m so glad I didn’t listen to those people because I KNEW that marriage was a good thing.
Please don’t plant those seeds of bitterness in your daughters.
I do hope you find peace and a way out of your depression. God bless.
Timekanglasgow says
I agree with your entire story! That’s me in the last 2 sentences!
momto3 says
I understand you completely. Seriously. So much that I DON’T want my daughters to get married or become mothers. This is exhausting, gut-wrenching work. There is some butterflies and roses no doubt; but so much of it is mundane and tiring. I turned 30 in January, and that has led to some of the greatest soul-searching I’ve ever done. I look in the mirror and wonder how I got these rolls in the middle, or why my hair looks a mess. Where have my goals gone? My dreams? Hell, at this point I’ll just take my sexy back.
I’m depressed. I’m sad. And typing this out has me in tears. The worst part is that I blame myself for not thinking this out at 30 having no damn definition of who I am.
Anonymous says
Man! This article was right on time. I too felt like you were reading my journal. I’ve been trying to find ways to get back to me and to put me higher up on the list of priorities than I seem to be lately. What I find has started to work is going for a walk to clear my head when I’m so stressed I can’t see straight, or journaling, even putting on some music and dancing while my kids are around. Some form of physical exercise helps relieve stress, gets those endorphins going, clears your head and helps promote weight loss. Also, try to spend time with friends, especially those with kids, so you don’t feel like you’re living in a bubble and the only one with the work/life balance problem. You can make friends with the parents at day care or the kids’ school or their activities. And as far as the hubby, try a lunch date. At least once a week, if he works fairly close by, eat lunch together. Even if you have to drive there or he has to drive to where you work, spending some time together eating lunch will allow you a mental break and some couple time while doing what you would be doing anyway. And if you can find a sitter, set some money aside for one or call a friend or family member to sit with the kids while you and your husband spend some mandatory fun, couple time together.
Monique says
Wow. Every single comment on this post is amazing!! I am a mother of four and have been married for 12 years. I have felt like you and many other women who responded so many times. I’ve learned that “me time” has to be a part of your 24 hour life! If its 5 minutes of reading or 10 minutes in a nice bath; you have to make that time for yourself. Like other comments, I think that date night is VERY important. We go out ever Sunday evening and look forward to it! Sometimes we go to high end restaurants and other times (like this past Sunday) we go for ice cream and sit go to a park and just talk (never about work, home or the kids! just each other).
Girl you can be sexy just as you are. I do believe that you will feel better losing weight (done that too!) but put you on some hills, fix yourself up and be that sexxy mom, wife, friend, etc that you really are!!!!
With four children, a full time job, a cancer stricken grandmother, church, etc. there are times when it’s alot to handle. I chose to spend time in prayer to gain balance and instruction from God. From there, I read my bible (all of this is in spurts! 5 mins here, 7 mins there) and go on with my day. I always remember that my children are a blessing from God! Enjoy them but remember that you can’t be SUPER “EVERYTHING” MOM!!! Just be Super Mom!!!! If that makes sense!
Makeda1980 says
I’m so glad you wrote this article…motherhood is very taxing, I too am tired most of the time, just dealing with career and my toddler, and trying to have a social life so I continue to feel like I have a brain. Just remember…that this too shall pass, they say it gets a little easier as they get older…I hope so lol
Ms Qualified says
Aja,
Thank you for your honesty! I have been feeling this way for the last 3 years and thought that I was the only one. I feel so much better just knowing that the way that I feel is “normal”.
Latishabgray says
Aja, Thank you for posting this message. I know exactly how you feel. I was just thinking that maybe I need counseling or something because I’m in a complete brain fog most of the time. I cannot think of anything else when my son is around. It is like I have a radar trying to make sure he is safe, protected, fed, entertained, learning… you name it. I feel like I’ve lost who I was and am not winning at this motherhood thing.
Dsteight says
Your honesty is so appreciated and so necessary. I think those of us married with children (21 years for me) need to tell the TRUTH. For some reason that fake fairy tale that you get married, have children and live a carefree life is so pervasive. I believe it is the reason why so many marriages fail. Unrealistic expectations.
Everyone is on point here. You MUST take care of yourself. You have to find that “thing” that makes you happy.
Nankama says
Mother of 5, here, and doing well! There were days I couldn’t wait to get out of the house to go to work, and the weekends where all I wanted to do was sleep, because I didn’t want to deal with anyone in my family. Quickly, I realized this was not right. I sort of flipped out one day, and began screaming, I can’t do this by myself – BECAUSE I WAS! I felt as though, if I didn’t do it, it wouldn’t get done right. But then I learned, DONE IS BETTER THAN PERFECT! I then began delegating things for my husband to do, and things for my children to do. There was no if and’s or but’s about, and certainly no discussion. DO IT, OR THE CONSEQUENCES WOULD BE SERIOUS. My kids did not like my “tantrums”, so they learned to keep my quiet and happy. I then learned I could not take care of others if I was running on “E”, and feeling drained and unhappy. You need to REGROUP, RESTORE AND REJUVENATE, at least 2 or three times a week. Maybe that means a West African dance class, yoga, swimming – venues where you can work of tension and stress, and come out feeling restored and relaxed. You’ll be ready for your family and your family will appreciate the new and relaxed you! Let your kids wash and fold their own clothes. Not doing so cripples them as adults in learning and being responsibility. Have hubby help you cook meals on Sundays and heat and eat during the week. Forget about those expensive purses/shoes etc (that is if you buy them) and spend that money on a housekeeping service. Why should you work 9 hours a day and then turn around and work another 5 plus hours at home. Everything that you do, needs to be delegated out. Of course their are things for you to do, like spend time, getting your freak on with your HUSBAND! Running and throwing water bombs at your kids. Curling up in a corner or under the blankets with your kids and flashlight reading a book together! These are the important things in life! Grab them at all costs and enjoy yourself and your family!
TheMrs says
Why are you telling my story?!?!?! LOL!!! I’ve had a couple of major “tantrums” over the years and my ENTIRE family took heed to the call. My pre-teen has a laundry night (even though I do laundry daily 1 day really helps me out), does breakfast and lunch on Saturdays, and will even start dinner some nights without prompting if she can tell what I have planned. My husband actually did laundry last weekend because I was out of the house with kids’ activities most of the weekend!!! I’ve made it my business to take time for myself several times a week, even if it is the time between the kids and hubby leaving for work and the baby waking up, it is my time to do as I please. We started doing a chore chart when our baby was born and even he was on the list, albeit his chore was to make someone smile or throw the dvd’s on the floor. Nearly 3 yrs later all of the big kids are cross trained to do everything in the house in the event that I am sick, away, or need a break from my schedule. I have forgone doing chores to take the kids outside to play, cuddle up for a movie, or go on a date with the hubby. Although the house needs love too, I need to be as normal as possible to avoid another “tantrum” and everyone is working towards that same goal. No I am not superwoman or supermom/wife so I need all the help I can get!!!
TheMrs says
Why are you telling my story?!?!?! LOL!!! I’ve had a couple of major “tantrums” over the years and my ENTIRE family took heed to the call. My pre-teen has a laundry night (even though I do laundry daily 1 day really helps me out), does breakfast and lunch on Saturdays, and will even start dinner some nights without prompting if she can tell what I have planned. My husband actually did laundry last weekend because I was out of the house with kids’ activities most of the weekend!!! I’ve made it my business to take time for myself several times a week, even if it is the time between the kids and hubby leaving for work and the baby waking up, it is my time to do as I please. We started doing a chore chart when our baby was born and even he was on the list, albeit his chore was to make someone smile or throw the dvd’s on the floor. Nearly 3 yrs later all of the big kids are cross trained to do everything in the house in the event that I am sick, away, or need a break from my schedule. I have forgone doing chores to take the kids outside to play, cuddle up for a movie, or go on a date with the hubby. Although the house needs love too, I need to be as normal as possible to avoid another “tantrum” and everyone is working towards that same goal. No I am not superwoman or supermom/wife so I need all the help I can get!!!
TheMrs says
Why are you telling my story?!?!?! LOL!!! I’ve had a couple of major “tantrums” over the years and my ENTIRE family took heed to the call. My pre-teen has a laundry night (even though I do laundry daily 1 day really helps me out), does breakfast and lunch on Saturdays, and will even start dinner some nights without prompting if she can tell what I have planned. My husband actually did laundry last weekend because I was out of the house with kids’ activities most of the weekend!!! I’ve made it my business to take time for myself several times a week, even if it is the time between the kids and hubby leaving for work and the baby waking up, it is my time to do as I please. We started doing a chore chart when our baby was born and even he was on the list, albeit his chore was to make someone smile or throw the dvd’s on the floor. Nearly 3 yrs later all of the big kids are cross trained to do everything in the house in the event that I am sick, away, or need a break from my schedule. I have forgone doing chores to take the kids outside to play, cuddle up for a movie, or go on a date with the hubby. Although the house needs love too, I need to be as normal as possible to avoid another “tantrum” and everyone is working towards that same goal. No I am not superwoman or supermom/wife so I need all the help I can get!!!
TheMrs says
Why are you telling my story?!?!?! LOL!!! I’ve had a couple of major “tantrums” over the years and my ENTIRE family took heed to the call. My pre-teen has a laundry night (even though I do laundry daily 1 day really helps me out), does breakfast and lunch on Saturdays, and will even start dinner some nights without prompting if she can tell what I have planned. My husband actually did laundry last weekend because I was out of the house with kids’ activities most of the weekend!!! I’ve made it my business to take time for myself several times a week, even if it is the time between the kids and hubby leaving for work and the baby waking up, it is my time to do as I please. We started doing a chore chart when our baby was born and even he was on the list, albeit his chore was to make someone smile or throw the dvd’s on the floor. Nearly 3 yrs later all of the big kids are cross trained to do everything in the house in the event that I am sick, away, or need a break from my schedule. I have forgone doing chores to take the kids outside to play, cuddle up for a movie, or go on a date with the hubby. Although the house needs love too, I need to be as normal as possible to avoid another “tantrum” and everyone is working towards that same goal. No I am not superwoman or supermom/wife so I need all the help I can get!!!
TheMrs says
Why are you telling my story?!?!?! LOL!!! I’ve had a couple of major “tantrums” over the years and my ENTIRE family took heed to the call. My pre-teen has a laundry night (even though I do laundry daily 1 day really helps me out), does breakfast and lunch on Saturdays, and will even start dinner some nights without prompting if she can tell what I have planned. My husband actually did laundry last weekend because I was out of the house with kids’ activities most of the weekend!!! I’ve made it my business to take time for myself several times a week, even if it is the time between the kids and hubby leaving for work and the baby waking up, it is my time to do as I please. We started doing a chore chart when our baby was born and even he was on the list, albeit his chore was to make someone smile or throw the dvd’s on the floor. Nearly 3 yrs later all of the big kids are cross trained to do everything in the house in the event that I am sick, away, or need a break from my schedule. I have forgone doing chores to take the kids outside to play, cuddle up for a movie, or go on a date with the hubby. Although the house needs love too, I need to be as normal as possible to avoid another “tantrum” and everyone is working towards that same goal. No I am not superwoman or supermom/wife so I need all the help I can get!!!
Tara Pringle Jefferson says
I thought I was the only one who had tantrums. “Why am I the ONLY one who washes dishes/clothes, mops the floor, cook dinner, etc, etc, etc?” Walking around the house mad, muttering to myself, looking like a certified loon. LOL
TheMrs says
Why are you telling my story?!?!?! LOL!!! I’ve had a couple of major “tantrums” over the years and my ENTIRE family took heed to the call. My pre-teen has a laundry night (even though I do laundry daily 1 day really helps me out), does breakfast and lunch on Saturdays, and will even start dinner some nights without prompting if she can tell what I have planned. My husband actually did laundry last weekend because I was out of the house with kids’ activities most of the weekend!!! I’ve made it my business to take time for myself several times a week, even if it is the time between the kids and hubby leaving for work and the baby waking up, it is my time to do as I please. We started doing a chore chart when our baby was born and even he was on the list, albeit his chore was to make someone smile or throw the dvd’s on the floor. Nearly 3 yrs later all of the big kids are cross trained to do everything in the house in the event that I am sick, away, or need a break from my schedule. I have forgone doing chores to take the kids outside to play, cuddle up for a movie, or go on a date with the hubby. Although the house needs love too, I need to be as normal as possible to avoid another “tantrum” and everyone is working towards that same goal. No I am not superwoman or supermom/wife so I need all the help I can get!!!
Aja Dorsey Jackson says
Thank you all so much for your comments. Hearing from all of you and knowing I’m not alone has literally brought me to tears (which is bad because I was reading all of this at work!) The guilt of feeling tired of my kids makes everything else feel that much worse. I’m thankful for all of your stories and suggestions.
LaToya Laster says
Much of what you said I can totally relate to. I was a single mother until about 3 years ago. My son was 7 years old when I married his father. Prior to getting married, it seemed like the perfect relationship. We spent much (if not all) of our time together. I knew I was loved and appreciated. After the marriage it was like I became a single parent again, but much more than that I began to realize that the husband-wife relationship changed and began to diminish fast. We had our 2nd child in the fall of 2009. Things grew progressively worse. Eventually I realized that the children and I were no longer priority and I felt like we were in the way. Meanwhile, I was working a full-time teaching job, while maintaining the home and children, since my husband’s job involved a lot of traveling. Now, things are worse than they have ever been and I feel like I don’t exist and my needs and feelings do not matter. I often feel like my existence is only for the benefit of others. I love my children, but with no “me” time and no affection, appreciation, and attention from my husband, I am desparate for change.
Charlotte Williams-Jackson says
Aja and all the momies, I want to encourage you and below, I have posted an excerpt from my blog at http://www.lifewithchar.com/ about just being a mother and a woman. I have four children and a husband. My post is entitled:
Why motherhood is not enough:
Women are so multifaceted and amazing. We believe we can do anything and will try to do everything. But in our effort to serve our children we often forget to love ourselves along the way.
The spirit of motherhood cannot feed the needs of the sister, the daughter, the friend, and the lover in us simply because we are mothers. Mothers, at their core, are women. We need to feel the love of friends over a glass of wine or a cup of coffee. We have to have the moments of solace that come with watching the sun rise or set. We have to have the steady beat of music pumping through our veins as a theme song to get motivated each day.
The reason shows such as The View and The Talk are successful because we crave intellectual conversations with friends along with bursts of laughter and hugs filled with love. Lifetime and Oprah are equally successful because we, the women, the wives, and the mothers, require empathy. We need to know we are not alone in our struggles, our victories or successes.
Every women, mother, sister, daughter, friend, should take time to carve out a moment to love herself without the validation of another person. Its simple – take a warm bath after all the children are in bed. Turn on the music and light a candle. Maybe pour a glass of wine and read a book. To create physical balance go for a walk alone in a park or simply sit in the floor to stretch.
There is no guilt in loving yourself enough to preserve your individuality. Although we are connected like puzzle pieces to so many things, we are still one piece of the puzzle. It took me 14 years of marriage and four children to decide I am a priority. When I was a “new mommy†I had a great women who I consider a mentor say, “You cant take care of anyone else unless you take care of yourself.â€
In the book, The Seven Highly Effective Habits, Covey calls the seventh habit sharpening your saw. In essence he says finding time for me allows me to be a better mother, a better friend, and a better wife. Personally, having that time to reflect personally and sit in the presence of friends who love me makes me a better me. I am stronger and wiser when I have this time. I can focus on my family more after I have had time alone or with friends.
Tiya says
Aja, girl you are not alone, I wouldn’t think something was wrong with a mom who doesn’t have these kind of days. I definitely have plenty of those days!! OMG. It can wear you down, I have now learned to ask for help from my husband, mom, in-laws. I am quick to admit, I can’t do all of this! lol. No shame in my game. Our jobs aren’t easy by far! Please be encouraged. That’s why I always suggest creating mommy circles, a safe place you can go and share without feeling guilty, with other women who can relate and offer support. Be Blessed
Nancy Robinson says
Aja, honey you just said a mouthful!!!…I am 33yrs old I got married when I was 18 we would be married for 15yrs June 12!!!..I decided to start having children at the age of 29..I lost my first child at birth!!!..Then came my daughter joyce!!..decieded to go for a boy and I ended up with twins, a boy and a girl!!!..So God blessed and replaced me with the one I lost!!!…So for yrs I was able to get my sexy on,come and go as I pleased basically do “ME”…Things most definately change when you have children!!!…Since all my children are close in age, I have learned to train them to the point where nap’s are together and bedtime is the same time every night!!!..And when they have there “down time”..I have my mine!!!..It was crazy because at one time I was changing 3 stinky diapers!!!…Sometimes it just made me wanna SCREAM!!!!..And to be totally honest!!..There have been times when I just cried!!!…I thought this was what I really wanted!!!..But truth be told I should have put a little more thought into it!!!…Just remember there is NO such thing as a “PERFECT”..parent!!!…Be encouraged!!!..And know that you are not alone!!!..Thank you for sharing that with the world!!!..
Nancy Robinson says
Aja, honey you just said a mouthful!!!…I am 33yrs old I got married when I was 18 we would be married for 15yrs June 12!!!..I decided to start having children at the age of 29..I lost my first child at birth!!!..Then came my daughter joyce!!..decieded to go for a boy and I ended up with twins, a boy and a girl!!!..So God blessed and replaced me with the one I lost!!!…So for yrs I was able to get my sexy on,come and go as I pleased basically do “ME”…Things most definately change when you have children!!!…Since all my children are close in age, I have learned to train them to the point where nap’s are together and bedtime is the same time every night!!!..And when they have there “down time”..I have my mine!!!..It was crazy because at one time I was changing 3 stinky diapers!!!…Sometimes it just made me wanna SCREAM!!!!..And to be totally honest!!..There have been times when I just cried!!!…I thought this was what I really wanted!!!..But truth be told I should have put a little more thought into it!!!…Just remember there is NO such thing as a “PERFECT”..parent!!!…Be encouraged!!!..And know that you are not alone!!!..Thank you for sharing that with the world!!!..
TheMrs says
It gets greater later Nancy!!! My oldest was nearly 3 and not potty trained when we had our boy and girl twins…then the following year we had our 4th child!!! Right now I have 3x 9 yr olds as the baby girl’s bday was yesterday and the twins are next week…smh!!!!!!!!!
As a mom of 5 it is so encouraging to read that others are going through similar feelings and experiences as myself.
Adaobi Obi Tulton says
Aja, I definitely understand where you are coming from. It took me four years to finally start doing something to take care of me. I just woke up one day and realized that I had given everything to my family and my job and left nothing for myself. I was almost 80 pounds overweight, tired all the time, and feeling miserable. I finally just said to myself, our daughter has a mother AND a father, and father was perfectly capable of taking care of our child for a couple of hours while I bonded with other women at a local weight watchers meeting. I needed to do this for me, not because I wanted to have energy to play with my child, although that’s definitely a bonus, but because I needed energy to do the things that I want to do and just be awake during the day. This has also cemented my decision that I cannot handle more than one child and I will not force myself to do it just to appease family who keep asking me when I plan on having another child. Not happening, nuh-uh. I already know what having just this one did to my mental health and what kind of strain it put on my marriage. I’m working on fixing things now and have no plans to go backwards. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
LumLum says
Momto3,
I understand exactly how you feel. I am a 35 year old single mother to a 14 year old son, who is a very well mannered and good kid except he has gotten very lazy with his school work since he started High School this year.
My sister who is 35 and has no children had to step in and help me with him.
I live in the Bronx, work in Brooklyn and my sister lives in Manhattan on the Lower East Side.
My son school is in the Bronx so Mon thru Fri, he goes to my sisters house, then I have to come from work in Brooklyn to pick him up to take the train home back to the Bronx.
I wake up everymorning at 6 am and don’t get home until 10 pm. My job is very stressfull on top of my son not doing his work in school I feel like I just want to throw in the towel. I am totally exhausted.
I cry unexpectedly everyday, wondering why me. I use to always get my hair done every week, now i barely get it done once a month. I feel like I lost myself along with maintaining my appearance. I just thank god that I got through the day.
momto3 says
Thanks for this. Most days, I fell EXACTLY like your last sentence. I try really hard to find the glory in each day, but sometimes I fall way short. My children are a blessing, and pretty well-behaved. But like you, I sometimes put in LONG hours at work and finding myself barely making it.
I truly think all of us that posted here need to pray for each other. Seriously. Because if we have the heart to speak out, it makes me wonder about all the women that don’t.
momto3 says
Thanks for this. Most days, I fell EXACTLY like your last sentence. I try really hard to find the glory in each day, but sometimes I fall way short. My children are a blessing, and pretty well-behaved. But like you, I sometimes put in LONG hours at work and finding myself barely making it.
I truly think all of us that posted here need to pray for each other. Seriously. Because if we have the heart to speak out, it makes me wonder about all the women that don’t.
Barbeec says
Thank you so much for sharing. I have often thought I must be a terrible mother because I dont have that “my kids are the best thing that ever happen to me” feeling or the ” I just love being a mom” feeling. Like you I love my kids with everything that is in me however I have many days that I wonder what was I thinking having all these kids (I have 4). I constantly feel stressed and overwhelmed with working full time and taking care of kids full time. My husband is an over the road truck driver so most days I feel like a single mom. I struggle with finding balance for mehood and motherhood, I often in my mind blame my kids for my “boring” life feeling as though if I had no children all the fun I could have all the money I could save all the peace and quiet I could have every day. It’s good to know that I am not this terrible mother I often look at myself as and that there too are other mothers out there that feel the same way. I have a friend who has two grown kids that still live at home and she said to me one day “I dread the day my kids move out I just don’t know what I’m going to do when they leave” and I sat there thinking OMG I must be the worst mom because I’m counting down the days until all my kids can move out. Again thank you for sharing your story it really encouraged me. God Bless
Agray says
I recently found myself in the same rut and decided to recapture me. I picked up a love that I had not explored in years…….writing. Not writing for work, or to help with homework, or letters to family. Just writing pieces to express my random thoughts.
When I lower my standard to meet yours, I give you my power
When I holler and curse you out in public, I give you my power
When I degrade you in front of our children, I give you my power
When I sleep with you after being disrespected by you, I give you my power
When I pay your bills while my children lack, I give you my power
When I take you back after you beat my ass, I give you my power
When I step out with another man to get back at you for cheating, I give you my power
When I love me in spite of your abuse, I retain my power
When I love my children the way Christ loves me, I retain my power
When I hold my head high and walk away from drama, I retain my power
When I align myself with true love, I retain my power
Today, I retain my power.
Nankama says
Just think of yourself as CEO, or project manager, and that parenting is running a business – DELEGATE! Either to those in immediate family and household, or to outside sources, i.e. cleaning services, find out if your grocer will deliver groceries to your home, etc.
Ayanna says
Well Aja, i’m glad I’m not the only person feeling this way. Motherhood is definitely no walk in the park. I often stay up to the wee hours of the morning to work on my web design business (like now) and during the day wrestle down the triplets. I dread looking in the mirror some days because I know I look a mess. My mom was telling me about a good book today and I couldn’t even remember the last time I read once without pictures! When does it get better? Excellent post!!!!!!! you said EVERYTHING I’ve been feeling that last 2 1/2 years!
Cam - Bibs & Baubles says
Thanks for being straight up honest. You are totally not alone. I am just starting to feel like myself a bit and my son is going on 2. For me, my husband had to make me go out and get a pedicure and just spend a minute away. I protested at first but it felt good. That was when our baby was about 7 months. Just recently the hubs has suggested a makeover for us both and we’re somehow making it work. It just helps to do something out of the norm to make me feel like “me”. For the first several months I just felt like I was my son’s mom and not “me”. It’s something I work at all the time. My husband and I went on our first date in 17 months a few weeks ago. We used to go every Friday. I love to read too but now I try to squeeze in a page or two before bed. I haven’t finished a book yet. I agree with a previous poster – delegate. I had groceries delivered for months because it was just too much to have that one more thing to do. In short, I feel you…
Cam - Bibs & Baubles says
side note… i used to be a Dorsey too! what up fam! 🙂
Mzzwillis says
oh my… it sounds like she just described me i have 3 kids… 9 (daughter), 6 (son), 7 months (daughter) i work about 1 hour and 15mins from home… i feel as though i’m working just to pay for gas and spend money on my family.. my husband works too but he never seems to be as stressed as i am… i cant remember the last time i bought myself something other than a perm and hygene products… i love my family but i am truly exhausted!
Mzzwillis says
oh my… it sounds like she just described me i have 3 kids… 9 (daughter), 6 (son), 7 months (daughter) i work about 1 hour and 15mins from home… i feel as though i’m working just to pay for gas and spend money on my family.. my husband works too but he never seems to be as stressed as i am… i cant remember the last time i bought myself something other than a perm and hygene products… i love my family but i am truly exhausted!
Rubygriffin36 says
From the beginning,Don’t spoil the babies,and you want have all that chaos…and for yourself ,who do you blame for allowing your children’s to take control over your life,what make you think you should put you life on the backburner,because you’re a mother?…Schedule a time-out from your children’s,and give yourself some quality time…You know all work,and know play…I’m just saying
Melgaye says
I know it gets easier now that my kids are 7 and 10 and 45(oops..that’s hubby but you know…) things are easier..they are helping and allowances are a great motivator.
The posts have talked about great solutions: delegation(when possible), finding “me” time, recapturing a dream, etc.
But to start…just breathe and be for 5 minutes. Do that daily..you can meditate or read the Bible or sing your favorite song. Just tuned out and be for 5 minutes(and try not to fall asleep!) Start with 5 minutes and work your way up to some really good “me” time.
My “me” is at 5am. The best time in the world!!!! I maybe tired but I am not to the point I’m in bed before 11pm so that I can have my time.
On the Edge says
Aja, I feel you completely. I have a 11 month old and 7 months pregnant (unplanned pregnancy) with my second. I’m stuck in a career/ job I hate that I work in full time but I have to stick with it because my husband, kids..and me need the health insurance and money. I’m seriously struggling with thoughts of walking into traffic or jumping of the GW bridge, but I don’t want to do that to my family. My husband is a great father and husband and my daughter is precious. But like you, I don’t even recognize myself. I’m tired. frustrated and scared. And I wonder daily,” how the Hell did I get here?” I feel like what talents, abilities, gifts and intelligence I have I (left) is being wasted. It’s hard seeing my fellow 20 something year old co workers go on living their lives with not a care in the world and it hurts to hear them complain about trivial stuff (“So and so didn’t call. I’m never gonna get married…I gained 5lbs, I’m now a size 6…I don’t care about getting a raise and praise from president from the office I’m not be challenged professionally enough.”) God, Lord help me…. Aja, I just wanna say hang in there. You’re not alone.
TheMrs says
It will get greater later!!!! My twins were 4 mths old when we found out we were having #4, actually found out at my appointment to get birth control on my husband’s birthday. There were plenty of days that I felt just like you, where I wondered how my life changed from getting my hair and nails done regularly to dang did I even shower today?!?! I was only 22 when the twins were born and 23 when our baby girl was born and I was dreading the idea of having to upgrade my vehicle to a mom-mobile. Now my oldest is 12, my twins turn 10 today(happy birthday babies!!!), my youngest daughter is 9, and our baby is 2. Last summer I made it my business to do for me and I bought a new wardrobe and began taking time for myself again. Find a time that works good for your family’s schedule and stare at the wall, do a crossword, curl your hair, anything really during your time. Also make sure to tell your husband “Baby for the next 20 mins(or whatever time you feel is good) it is me time so I need you to listen out for the baby, check the pot for dinner, etc. so that I can enjoy my break!!!”
TheMrs says
It will get greater later!!!! My twins were 4 mths old when we found out we were having #4, actually found out at my appointment to get birth control on my husband’s birthday. There were plenty of days that I felt just like you, where I wondered how my life changed from getting my hair and nails done regularly to dang did I even shower today?!?! I was only 22 when the twins were born and 23 when our baby girl was born and I was dreading the idea of having to upgrade my vehicle to a mom-mobile. Now my oldest is 12, my twins turn 10 today(happy birthday babies!!!), my youngest daughter is 9, and our baby is 2. Last summer I made it my business to do for me and I bought a new wardrobe and began taking time for myself again. Find a time that works good for your family’s schedule and stare at the wall, do a crossword, curl your hair, anything really during your time. Also make sure to tell your husband “Baby for the next 20 mins(or whatever time you feel is good) it is me time so I need you to listen out for the baby, check the pot for dinner, etc. so that I can enjoy my break!!!”
chavonne says
I had my son when I was 19 and made it my mission to always make time for me. I grew up knowing and feeling that i was a burden to the people who raised me and I def did not want that for my son. I made sure to chase any dream I had, finish school, set aside time for friends, whatever. I mean even if it was something simple like taking an hour to read a magazine (which i love doing). I saw it as a necessity for both of our happiness. Admittedly, its easier now that I’m married b/c he is a great partner but that doesn’t mean that I dont have my bad days. I’ve just never had that self sacrificing attitude because I have always known that it does more harm than good.