Hello Doctor,
I’m writing this out of pain and anger. I’ve been married since November 2015—only eight short months. My husband and I live in different cities, and the plan was for me to relocate to be with him.
During my visits to see him, I noticed he was getting attention from other women. He was receiving text messages from women, and I found out he was visiting them at their homes. I forgave him, but it’s been rocky ever since.
After that, I slowed down the relocation process due to the feelings I was having toward my husband. But then, his communication with me became distant, and he got angry when I told him I wasn’t coming for a visit.
To get back at me, he sent me pictures (nasty pictures, kissing, etc.) of him with other women. It was devastating.
And shortly afterward, I learned that he started a new relationship with another woman. He lives with her now, and she told me that she is PREGNANT! She also told me that they are in love and sent me pictures of them during happy moments. She even sent text messages as to what they do sexually. He called me and told me that he is only with her because he does not have anywhere to live.
What type of monster did I marry? Should I let her know what he’s doing or should I just let it all just fizzle out? I want to tell the woman what he told me, so she can put him out, so that he can be homeless.
I made a Facebook page for cheating spouses, where I exposed the two of them. I know I’m just angry and heartbroken, but I really want to get even. I despise my cheating spouse: is it right to seek vengeance?
Help me please,
Betrayed Wife
Dear Betrayed Wife,
I am not sure if you are a praying or spiritual woman. If you are, please mediate on Romans chapter 12, verse 19, which states, “Dearly Beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.”
Wish your husband well and move on. This is the true nature of showing grace.
While it is normal to want to hurt those who hurt you, please keep in mind that repaying pain for pain hurts you just as much as it hurts your spouse. Given this, it is extremely important to live by the aforementioned scripture. When someone hurts you, work hard to move on and forgive them. Forgiveness allows you to break the cycle of retaliation and can lead to reconciliation. Forgiveness also frees you of a heavy load of anger and bitterness.
We acquire peace by befriending people, not by making enemies. By forgiving your husband, you are not excusing his misdeeds. You are simply taking back your control. Uncontrollable anger typically leads to increased victimization and feelings of powerlessness. Know that God will fight the battle for you. Wish your husband well and move on. This is the true nature of showing grace.
Sometimes our blessings come in a disguise and sometimes they come raw.
Whatever you do, do not seek vengeance. It might feel good temporarily, but believe me when I say that it is not a permanent fix. The best way to relieve feelings of vengeance is to focus on your blessings. Sometimes our blessings come in a disguise and sometimes they come raw. Thank God that your husband showed himself in eight months rather than eight or 28 years.
Seek and find peace in God. 1 Peter chapter 5, verse 7 states, “Cast all of your care upon Him; for He careth for you.” Turning to God can help with spiritual healing. Also, seek professional counseling.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.