Sometimes marriage reminds me of being a kid. It’s literally like you’ve gotta get permission for almost everything you do. I can remember being a kid trying to convince my moms to buy me a pair of Jordans for $140 (which in ’88 was BANANAS for a pair of sneakers.) And now, I find myself doing the same as an adult! Whether it’s still a pair of Jordans some 22 years later or a $400 PS4…I gotta check in with wifey first. I honestly think compromising is one of the hardest things about marriage.
As a kid, your main thing usually was, “I can’t wait to grow up so I can do what I wanna do”. Then, you graduate high school and go off to college or move out your people’s house. And now, you’re finally on your own and you can do whatever you wanna do, whenever you wanna do it, and stay out as late as you wanna stay out! You’ve finally gotten your freedom! Then you decide to get married…and you’re right back to being 16 years old again!
Remember, marriage is not about you anymore. Marriage is truly about being a servant to your spouse. It’s about two people becoming one. And when it’s time to make important decisions you should want your spouse’s opinions.
I think it’s crazy how some marriages work. I’ve literally heard of people coming home and telling their spouse they quit their jobs, bought a new car, or have decided to go back to school. And I’m sure the list could go on and on. And to me, that’s beyond disrespectful. Things like quitting your job, buying a new car, going back to school, etc. should be discussed with your spouse before YOU (remember marriage isn’t about “you”) decide to go out and do it.
And just like a kid, sometimes you’re not gonna get your way…. but MAN UP! You’re not a kid anymore. And where else in life do you get your way all of the time? Nowhere. So why would you expect to get your way all of the time in your marriage?
I tell folk all the time that if you wanna do something and your spouse is cool with it…give them the biggest hug ever and enjoy this moment cause many couples don’t agree on much of anything. Now again, I’m not saying EVERY couple disagrees about EVERY decision….but it’s a problem for a lot of marriages. And the bigger problem ….means it’s important to know how to compromise during these decisions.
Now, how do you compromise?….
To me a good compromise starts when someone starts feeling a certain way about an issue. Let’s say a husband wants to quit his job because he hates it. The first thing the husband should start doing is sharing his feelings about his job with his wife. A lot of spouses get caught off guard with these big life changing decisions because they may have no idea you don’t even like your job.
And this is off topic but like my Pastor says, “I’ll throw this one in for free”. In my opinion, you don’t quit a job because you hate it. I’m sure at least 90% of Americans hate their job, but they just don’t get up and quit! Our parents probably hated their jobs too, but they just didn’t quit! You don’t quit a job without having something else lined up because you don’t like it. You could quit a job you didn’t like when you were in high school and college, not when you have a wife, a mortgage and tuition! Just my two cents for free.
Aiight, now back to the program. So, for the husband who wants to quit his job, the 1st thing he should be thinking about is how is this gonna affect my family. Do I have a plan B? Should I look for another job before I just quit this one?
If you take a minute and take a step back, and think about the issue and pray about the issues, you may be able to shut down your ideas of quitting your job or at least coming up with a solution before taking it to your wife.
More couples have to learn to be supportive of each other. We have to remember to provide our spouses a loving environment when they want to come talk to us. No one wants to discuss something with a spouse who’s just gonna shut you down from the door without even listening to what you have to say. And most people wanna at least hear a plan. Not just I wanna quit my job, but maybe I wanna quit my job and this is how I’m gonna make up the money from the job I’m quitting, and this is the plan for me to get another job and this is the plan of what I’m gonna do in the meantime.
And for the wife listening, you should be thinking about how you can support your husband. Maybe you can do some overtime at your job to start saving some extra money. So if you BOTH decide it’s OK that he quits his job, you’ll have some extra money in the savings to hold ya’ll down while he’s not working or helping him with his resume and helping him look for a new job.
Remember, once you get married, you become part of a team. And there’s nothing better than when as a husband and wife come up with a plan they both agree with.
The key to a good compromise is the same as the key for a good marriage: each person putting the other person first.
You know how married couples say they hate seeing a brand new couple in love? That new couple in love isn’t even thinking about themselves. When you first fall in love, all you care about is being with that person and what you can do to make that person smile. But after a good 2-5 years of marriage, the LAST thing on your mind is helping that person and putting their needs first. So, we gotta reverse it like John Witherspoon said in Boomerang. And the next time there’s an issue in the air, or your spouse comes at you with a decision, or you’re thinking about making a decision on your own, let’s try to think about our spouse’s needs above our own and try to learn how to perfect this whole compromising thing.
BMWK – what are keys to compromising with your spouse?