Hello Dr. Buckingham,
I have been with my wife for 13 years, and we have been married almost two years as of June. However, I have been cheating on her with someone else.
I lie and say I have to work, but I am spending time with the other woman. I spend time with her when I get off work and when my wife works weekends.
Now, my wife knows about her because my wife looked her up and found us together at a bar. Since then, my wife changed her number, and she also changed my number, so the other woman couldn’t call. But the other woman still got a hold of my new number, and we are still in touch.
My dad cheated on my mom, and he always told me that you should always have a wife and mistress. I love my wife, but I have feelings for the other girl. I do not know what to. I need some help. I’m trying to leave the other one alone, but it’s hard.
How can I make my wife understand that I only want her?
Help me please,
Unhappily Unfaithful
Dear Unhappily Unfaithful,
I highly recommend that you seek professional counseling. It appears that you were raised with some disturbing beliefs about how to treat women. As children, we sometimes become victims of unjust upbringings and play roles in our parents’ narratives.
You were an innocent child who was told that it was okay to cheat. This is unfortunate. However, as an adult, you can rewrite your narrative with help. Instead of seeing yourself as a victim, seek professional help.
To answer your question, you cannot “make” your wife understand that you only want her. However, you can show her. You can show her by seeking help, owning up to your actions and stopping the games you play with her. If you love her, she deserves your honesty and respect.
If she is the only woman you need, then learn how to treat her as such. Any behavior that is learned (thus your beliefs on infidelity) can be unlearned with dedication, commitment and hard work. When you allow your feelings to dominate your morality, you will never win.
The things that feel good to us do not always make good decisions. Cheating typically reflects the absence of something personally or interpersonally. You need to find out what you need and why. A professional like myself can help you process your feelings about both women and guide you in making a healthy decision.
Who we love is a choice, and how we treat them is a choice as well. If your wife is the only woman you want, then choose her. Man up or walk away if you cannot be faithful after receiving professional help. You deserve the best, and so does she.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.