Dear Dr. Buckingham,
I have been dealing with a married man for a while and I know its wrong, but we just got caught up. I want to walk away and just let it all go, but I didn’t know it would be this hard. I fell in love with him and I don’t know how it happened. I don’t want to do this anymore. I Am in Love with a Married Man, How Do I Let Go?
Please help,
Ms. Mistress
Dear Ms. Mistress,
I want to commend you because I know that asking for help in a public forum is not easy. Many will judge you and immediately attack and reprimand you for being the “other woman.” Some individuals will also demean you for being a home wrecker. While I can relate to these sentiments, I do not believe that anyone has the right to pass judgment on anyone else. With that being said, I highly recommend that you seek professional counseling and begin the process of letting go by examining your idea of what love is and how it works.
Love is beautiful, love is complicated, love is confusing, love is healing, love is passionate, but love should never be shared with a person who is not available to openly love you back. See, some people become victims of affairs because they allow passionate love, which is a strong sexual or romantic feeling to dominate their thinking and behavior.
Passion is best defined as a strong feeling of excitement for something. As human beings, we are constantly in search of love and have obsessions with things that excite us, and this, in my opinion, is why affairs take place. Affairs are exhilarating because the circumstances and/or conditions in which they are created contribute to overwhelming feelings of excitement. Mistresses like you get excited about the idea of the married man leaving his wife, excited about the idea that you will not have to hide your love anymore, and excited about the possibility of being a wife one day. Please understand that for some people excitement can become addictive.
Being with a married person is a bad habit that one should definitely kick like drug use, but the overwhelming feeling of excitement can become addictive just like drugs and distort your understanding of love. Remember that love does hurt occasionally, but it should not be intentional. By being with a married man, you are intentionally hurting yourself and so is he. Promises of divorce is a self-serving technique used to keep you hanging around.
While it might not be easy to let go, you must do so for your own good. One of the worse feelings in the world is to be with someone who is not totally available to you. With this in mind, here are a few tips for letting go.
- Seek professional counseling. Love is a matter of the heart and mind. Seek help so that a professional like myself can help you monitor and cope with both in a healthy manner.
- Seek spiritual counseling. Sometimes, feeling convicted about something from a spiritual perspective can trigger a desire for change. This works for some people so it is worth a try if you think it will help you.
- Put you first. If you have difficulty with implementing this tip, please pay attention to your lover’s behavior. He is good at putting himself first. He tells you what you need to hear to keep you around and is probably telling his wife what she needs to hear as well. I am not encouraging you to be deceitful. I am simply suggesting that you take note of how your lover gets his needs met. Like him, you deserve to get your needs met. Unlike him, not by using or manipulating others. He puts himself first. Think about what this would look like for you and seek professional guidance.
- Make yourself available to date. Unfortunately, many mistresses make the mistake of isolating themselves from the dating scene in hope that they will be with their married lover. Start to date again. Please keep in mind that your lover will probably become more aggressive if he feels that he could lose you. Be careful and keep others informed of your actions.
- Change all of your contact information if feasible. If you do not have the mental will to let go, try limiting your availability.
- Spend more time with you. Look in the mirror and ask yourself how would you feel if you were on the other side. One of the easiest ways to get over someone else is to get more into yourself. Distractions from the affair can cause you to lose sight of your needs. Desiring and needing love is normal, but how you are getting it is not. You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy in life or love.
Any time spent with a married person who is not emotionally available to you is time wasted. Instead of being a mistress, focus your energy and time on being the best you. Being an accomplice in a deceitful situation will not bring favor your way. Be patient and trust that God will send you the right man when you get right with yourself and Him.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.