Dear Dr. Buckingham,
I am kind of embarrassed to be asking you this question and putting all my business out in the air, but I am too ashamed to say anything to my family or friends.
I have been with only two men in my life and I am 38 years old. I recently went to the doctor because some weird stuff was going on with my body and I found out that I have genital herpes.
I know it’s not with the first guy I was with because we were together when I was 16 years old. The second guy was my husband. We have been together since we were 18, married 3 years later, have 3 beautiful kids together, but we were divorced 3 years ago.
Recently we’ve gotten back together to try to work things out. I know I wasn’t with anyone else and he says the same. The doctor said that this particular disease can lie dormant for up to 15 years and since it’s been well over 20 years with the first guy, I know it isn’t him.
I’m not a promiscuous woman.
And the severity of the outbreak, according to my doctor, more than likely means a more current contraction. My trust in him is gone, but I feel like my future happiness is too.
My head says stay – he already gave you something you’re stuck with for the rest of your life and what other man wants a woman with herpes. But my heart says walk away…. I feel like I am a walking disease.
I am so stressed and depressed and I don’t have anyone I feel comfortable enough to tell this to and just cry it all out. Should I Stay with My Ex-Husband after He Infected Me?
Please help,
Hopeless
Dear Hopeless,
I am sorry to hear about your emotional distress and current dilemma. To answer your question, I would say no. Do not stay with your ex if you are unhappy and do not trust him. You did not go out and get herpes; herpes came home to you.
I realize that it can be very challenging to feel good about yourself when you do not feel valuable and marketable. Please know that your worth is not determined by your healthy status. Unfortunately, herpes is a common sexually transmitted disease. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, about one out of six people in the United States aged 14 to 49 have genital herpes.
I have provided therapy to hundreds of individuals who have contracted herpes and are in happy relationships. I share this information to say that you should not allow feelings of embarrassment to keep you hostage. Herpes is not curable, but it is not a death sentence. I have witnessed thousands of individuals live prosperous and loving lives with infections.
If you decide to move on, the best thing that you can do is to be honest with others. There are support groups and good information available about living with herpes. Managing Herpes: Living & Loving with HSV by Charles Ebel and Anna Wald, MD, MPH, is an essential resource for anyone dealing with genital herpes.
Please educate yourself about the disease and seek professional counseling. Listed below are a few resources.
CDC National Prevention Information Network (NPIN)
P.O. Box 6003
Rockville, MD 20849-6003
E-mail: npin-info@cdc.gov
American Sexual Health Association (ASHA)
P. O. Box 13827
Research Triangle Park, NC 27709-3827
1-800-783-9877
If you are interested in receiving coaching from me, please visit my website at www.drbuckingham.com
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.