By: Debrena Jackson Gandy
There’s that nauseous sensation in the pit of your stomach, then the realization finally hitting you like a blow to the gut – “I think my spouse is having an affair.”
I know the feeling well because in our marriage, we experienced mutual serial infidelity. This means that both my husband and I have been on both sides of infidelity, as both the “cheatee” and the cheater.
I discovered that this “something deeper” was the Love Lies.
Twelve years ago, our marriage almost crashed, burned, and became a divorce statistic as a result. We’ve now been married 22 years and counting – and our marriage is juicier than ever! The good news: yes, a marriage can recover from infidelity, and thrive.
Getting to the “Something Deeper”
When my husband and I were in the midst of our marriage’s rapid demise and breakdown, I desperately wanted to understand what brought us to the point of being unfaithful to one another in the first place.
I was tired of the typical and predictable explanations of “growing apart,” “not getting needs met,” or “the inability to communicate effectively.” I wanted to get to the “something deeper” that I suspected was really at the root.
I discovered that this “something deeper” was I’ve coined ‘Love Lies.’
In this 3-part series, I’m flipping infidelity on its back, exposing its underbelly along with the underlying root causes of this epidemic.
What I’ve learned is that a marriage can dodge the assassin’s bullet of infidelity if both partners are aware of the underlying forces that contribute to it in the first place. So let’s get started.
First, why is infidelity an epidemic?
In the U.S., with a 51% divorce rate, our approach to marriage is failing us miserably. Though it is typical for women to villainize men as the “ones who cheat,” we must begin with the sobering acknowledgement that it is both men and women who have a cheating problem.
As such, many marriages suffer dissatisfaction, frustration, and apathy resulting in infidelity at epidemic proportions.
So, what are the underlying culprits?
The underlying culprits, or Love Lies, are the specific sets of deeply embedded, poisonous and damaging relationship beliefs that are conditioned into us, along distinct gender lines, as part of our socialization and upbringing.
So, men have them and so do women. These male and female Love Lies contribute to the infidelity epidemic by “infecting” our core beliefs, thoughts, behaviors, and how we engage and communicate in marriage.
In this Part 1 article, I’ll uncover the biggest male Love Lie that contributes to unfaithfulness in marriage. In Part 2, I’ll share the female Love Lie that is the most damaging “fidelity-undermining” belief, and in Part 3, I will share ways to begin to heal and restore your marriage.
The male and female Love Lies are so powerful because they are in our blind spots. We are not consciously aware they exist or that they are at work deep in our psyches. So, what’s the biggest male love lie?
Biggest Male Love Lie
For a man, one of his highest values is freedom. Based upon the faulty male Love Lies relationship conditioning, for a man, marriage runs counter to this value. Thus, the biggest fidelity-undermining male Love Lie is…drum roll please……..Marriage is a loss of freedom.
From within their “infected” male perspective, marriage, for men, is experienced as a loss of several freedoms:
- the “freedom” to have sex with a variety of women
- the “freedom” to come and go as he pleases
- the “freedom” to not have any time or accountability to another
Now, we know that marriage has a boat load of advantages and benefits for men, including that married men are healthier and live longer than single men — but this article is about exposing the male relationships programming that runs counter to fidelity and faithfulness.
Are you familiar with this scene? The groom-to-be is given a plastic ball and chain by his “fellas” to wear around his ankle at his bachelor party. Though a seeming light-hearted joke, this actually represents the widespread male perception of marriage – that it is a loss of freedom.
Many men feel “chained” to heavy expectations, and a litany of Supposed-To’s and Shoulds that are “imposed” upon him now that he holds the title of “husband” – all which have him feeling “burdened” in his marriage.
For men, an affair can become an escape from this perceived pressure, a space where he has no responsibilities besides giving a great sexual performance, relief from imposed roles and “responsibilities,” or the chance to cut loose the “ball and chain,” even if only for a few moments.
This warped male belief then loops back to continue feeding the epidemic of infidelity, and quietly can become a faulty justification for cheating.
But women aren’t off the hook either. In part 2, we’ll look at the biggest female Love Lie that equally contributes to this epidemic.
Debrena Jackson Gandy is a nationally recognized relationships expert, speaker, national best-selling author, Relationship Readiness Coach, Relationships Detox Coach, and Founder of The Love Academy. She’s a popular relationships blogger, radio and podcast show guest, and has been seen on TV on CNN, Good Day New York, Good Morning Texas, Good Day D. C., The Better Show, and a host of regional morning news segments. She’s been featured in Oprah’s O, Essence, Ebony, Black Enterprise, and Woman’s Day. She is one of the hosts of TBN’s Public Report TV show. You can follow her on Twitter @TheDVine, at Twitter.com/TheDVine, or on Facebook: https://bit.ly/DJGFB. To order a copy of her newest book, The Love Lies (addresses the female Love Lies), go to https://bit.ly/amznBOOKS www.MillionDollarMentor.net