NFL star quarterback Russell Wilson and Artist Ciara were trending in recent news regarding their controversial decision to abstain from sex in their relationship. Though sexual abstinence is rare in celebrity relationships, they have definitely inspired singles and dating couples alike about having the mature conversation about sexual expectations in your relationship.
When dating and courting, the topic of sex will come up and it’s up to both parties to be true to how they feel about what they desire before moving forward, abstaining or not. While this conversation may be easy to have for some, others may feel a little awkward or naïve about sexual health history and its importance.
To help us all, I’ve asked Dr. Gameli Dekayie-Amenu of BestiesMD to share advice on how dating couples can have a healthy conversation about sexual health.
BMWK: What is the biggest misconception about talking about sexual health with a significant other?
There are three big misconceptions when it comes to bringing up this conversation with your partner. We may think: “My partner will think I don’t trust him/her,” “My partner will think I am judging his/her past,” or “The first time we are intimate will feel unnatural; it will feel pre-planned.”
The reality is that we all have a past. From no experience to experienced, you don’t have to live condemned or feel like your partner will judge you. Being honest with where you stand is the best thing you can do for your partner. This gives them the opportunity to make a decision that’s best for them.
BMWK: How can couples have healthy conversations about their sexual health while avoiding embarrassment or misunderstanding between each other?
Be the mature one.
The maturity of the individual partners can help couples ease into these kinds of conversations. Sex is not something to be embarrassed or shy about. So if it feels awkward just talking about sex, then it probably is not the right time to be doing it.
You can make it fun. Have a fun date the night you want to have the conversation. Laughter can always break the ice.
Another way to talk it out is to write it down.
Often times it is easier to express how we feel on paper than in person. Make an agreement to write each other a letter about sexual health and your goals for the relationship. Turn the letter swap into a date—something casual and fun.
To keep things light, read the letters when you each get home and talk about it later – no pressure. Don’t fear putting how you really feel to paper; showing vulnerability to a loving and respecting partner is not weak.
BMWK: Should couples get tested together? Who should initiate that conversation?
Absolutely! Either party should feel comfortable initiating the conversation. Try to keep the conversation genuine. Acknowledge that it can feel new and awkward but that it is the mature thing to do.
BMWK: Is it common for couples to get tested together?
Not as common as it should be….
Talking about the physical aspect of your sexual history with your significant other can also reveal some emotional and spiritual components that may not have been previously addressed.
Aside from the thrill that passion can bring a relationship, you have to consider your sexual health and needs before moving forward in your relationship or courtship.
Overall, be wise and be led by your conviction, not your body.
Dr. Gameli Dekayie-Amenu is an Emergency Medicine Physician practicing in Chicago. In addition to actively working as a physician, she has a strong passion for community outreach, women’s health education and mentorship. She is the co- founder of BestiesMD, a nonprofit organization developed to empower women through health education on a relatable & sisterly level. Learn more about them on youtube.com/bestiesmd!
BMWK fam: Have you ever made a date to the clinic with your significant other to get tested? If not, would you?