You know when you’re at a social event…and a guy tries to talk to a girl. And it goes so horribly wrong that you have to turn your head and peek through your fingers just to watch. I hate those moments…when you bare witness to a man’s limp social-game. For all accounts, this dude is socially impotent.
Based on what I’m hearing from single women now-a-days, (grown men in their 20’s – 30’s being afraid to ask them out), I wasn’t the only one with low flow to my social-game. There were some other brothers out there who were socially impotent too. And there still are!
This problem definitely needs addressing.
Confidence
A man’s social-game is directly related to his confidence. Real quick…confidence is one’s belief that the outcome is going to turnout as expected. So if a man approaches a woman with the intent of getting her number…depending on his belief in his social-game, he will range anywhere from a high degree to a low degree of confidence that he will end up with her number.
If he has a high degree of confidence, then he will likely step with reckless abandon. But if he has a low degree of confidence, then he likely won’t step at all. Or, if he was like me, he’ll supplement his confidence with some liquid courage before he steps to her. Either way, it’s his confidence in his social abilities that determines whether he will step to her or not.
Some may say that such a man is weak. But don’t be so quick to condemn him….as this is basic human behavior. You follow the same confidence-led behavior when it comes to applying for a job or buying a house. If you don’t expect that you’ll get the job or house, then you likely won’t apply.
So the issue is, how does a man build his confidence. In a previous article, I talked about how women can help a man gain more confidence. This time, I’m going to talk about 7 ways a man can build his confidence, and thus improve his social-game. For, a man’s confidence is like a social Cialis: it helps him be more confident in his ability to be ready any time the moment’s right.
7 Ways A Man Can Build His Confidence ……..
1. Learn How to Start a Conversation
There are hundreds of ways to start a conversation. My rule of thumb for conversation starters is to ‘comment on the now’. Whatever is happening right now, comment on that. ‘That’s a nice cell phone. What kind is that?’, ‘These trains are never on time!’, ‘I love your shoes. They’re cute…but are they comfortable?’. Come up with three conversation starters. Practice them. Get them down pat. Use them on people you know first. Gauge their responses. Having a tested successful conversation starter is a great confidence builder because it removes the awkward ‘what do I say’ feeling you have in social settings.
2. Practice Eye Contact and Smiling
Remember when you use to get caught in a lie with your mother and she would say, ‘look me in the eyes and tell me what happened’ to see if you were lying. There is something very powerful about eye contact. Your eyes convey authenticity. If you don’t feel confident, it will show in your eyes. You’ll tend to look away or avoid direct eye contact. However, confident people will look you straight in the eyes when talking to you. To build your confidence, practice looking people in the eyes and smiling. Do it at work, on the train, on the bus. Pick 20 random people and practice looking them in the eye, smiling, and saying ‘hello’ (so some other salutation). Notice their reaction. I bet they will smile back at you. Some will even give off a good vibe like it’s okay to approach them. This exercise will build your confidence so when you see a woman you want to approach, you will know if she’s receptive based on how she responds to your eye contact and smile.
3. Continue to Learn
Even though there are 51% male and 49% female 18 – 24 year olds in this country (CCAP, 2012), there have been more females graduating from high school and college than males since the 1970’s …and that’s in every state and in all ethnicity groups (NCES, 2012). The black community has the largest gap between male (57%) and female (69%) high school graduates. And only 34% of black males vs. 43% of black females graduate from college (NCES, 2012). The bottom line is…women are getting more education than men. So in order to get a man’s confidence up, he has to always be learning so that what he says and does has value in the life of an educated woman. What he says and does must matter to her. His presence in her life must add some sort of value to her. Otherwise, she’s likely to put little stock in his opinions.
4. Stay Current and Relevant
Watch the news, read magazines, and articles on a variety of topics in order to stay current on relevant information for someone your age. There’s no justifiable reason why a man 30+ doesn’t know what’s going on locally, nationally, and internationally. Don’t be that-guy that doesn’t know about the latest breaking news story that will affect national security, but you can talk at length about who all 32 NFL teams should pick in this year’s draft. Just being aware of different topics will give a man confidence to voice his opinion in a room full of listening women. And the deeper his level of understanding, the more he can wax eloquently and impress the honey’s. Besides, asking a woman’s opinion is a great way to start a conversation.
5. Learn How to Make Good Decisions
Part of being a man is knowing how to lead. There is no greater indicator of your leadership than the decisions you make in your own life. People make decisions in two ways: intuitively (swerving when a car veers into your lane) and analytically (planning your route to drive to the store). Telling you to ‘learn how to make good decisions’ is over-simplifying the responsibility you have to become a good leader. Rather, I recommend you focus on your analytical process. If you find that you’re making poor planning decisions, there’s something wrong with how you analyze information. And that analysis is impacting your judgment about what is right/wrong, good/bad, and appropriate/inappropriate. So focus on how you analyze information! Strong analytical abilities will help you build the confidence to offer suggestions to an educated woman…and then stand by them without wondering if you made the right call…because you are confident in your strong analytical judgment and decision making.
6. Hang Around People outside Your Cultural Circles
Sociologically, there is comfort in being around familiar people or the same culture. However, you should never ONLY hang around familiar people or the same culture. One way cultures are identified is by the way they solve problems. Thus, there’s a lot you can learn from different cultures. Expand your circles and hang around people of different cultures. Not just racial cultures, but geographical, economical, and demographically (age) cultures.
7. Be Creative with No Money
I know…the club/bar/lounge scene requires money to buy a lady a drink, pop bottles, or get a VIP table…so you can ball. But if your money is short, that shouldn’t diminish your confidence to ask a woman out. That’s when you’ve got to be creative. You still have a lot of dating-options available to you. Meet her for coffee, invite her to your gym on a guest pass, go hiking, biking, or running…or pack a lunch and do a picnic — or a free concert in your area. Playa…you’ve gotta get creative if you ain’t got it like that…yet! Being creative gives you the confidence to ask her out…with no money…and still be able to take her somewhere unique, fun, and interesting. And that’s what makes you stand out from the crowd of big money ballers.
BMWK — What do you think about the relationship between a man’s confidence and his social-game? How can a man build his confidence and get his social-game up?