Men often share their deepest, darkest fears about love with me. I’ve listened to them tell me how they’ve cried themselves to sleep at night, why they go back to an ex (even after she’s hurt them), instead of choosing the woman who loves them unconditionally, and how frustrated they are that they can’t find a wife.
If you’re a single sister looking for a relationship, it’s important that you understand the commitment fears many men struggle with so that you can decide:
- If his fear is something you can help him over come or,
- Walk away from the relationship.
Fear #1: I’m not loveable
Now a man isn’t going to come right out and say this. But if he struggles with making decisions, struggles with saying I love you, has mood swings, or is insecure and needs constant validation from you, he may have a fundamental belief that he is not good enough. He’ll often reject you before you reject him!
He may be the quintessential “nice guy”: quiet, giving and helpful. It’s because he’s looking for acceptance and love by doing these things for you. He feels like a “mess” and unworthy of the love you give. He’ll often go back to an ex who mistreated him before he’ll stay with a woman who will commit to him.
Fear #2: I won’t be enough
This man feels he has to be a provider and protector before he can share his life with a woman. If he fails in any area of his life, he sees himself as a failure. He feels a lot of pressure from family and society to “be a man” and to demonstrate how successful he is by his material things. He’s afraid that if he loses his job, he’ll also lose his woman. If he’s facing hardship, he’ll start to withdraw from the relationship because he doesn’t want to experience you losing respect for him.
A man who struggles with this type of fear may go out and cheat on his woman, even if he really loves her, as a way to boost his ego. Or, he’ll delay marrying you until he has a reached some goal like getting a better job, owning a home, or growing his bank account. The problem is the target keeps moving and is never good enough for him.
Fear #3: I can’t trust a woman
The man who struggles with this fear has been hurt, mistreated and manipulated by women in his past (sometimes, beginning with his mom). He has now projected his mistrust onto all women! He’s afraid of being used financially and is always waiting for the “real you” to show up. Vulnerability and emotional intimacy are terrifying to him, and he often shuts you out of certain areas of his life.
He may have had a horrible divorce or bad experience with his child’s mother. He may talk trash about his ex and may have even vowed never to marry again!
What can you do if you encounter a man who is wrestling with these fears?
- First, remember that men have hurts just like you.
- Second, look at men through the eyes of compassion and decide if their fears are something you can help them overcome by being understanding, accepting or encouraging him to get help.
- If all else fails, you need to walk away and let him go. There are men out there who have done the work on themselves and are ready for love and commitment.
BMWK single ladies, have you ever dated a man who has struggled with these commitment fears?