Dear Dr. Buckingham,
My wife and I have known each other for 5 years before we were married and we’ve been married for 4 years. We have 3 beautiful children and I have one from a separate relationship. In the past before we were married I was unfaithful and did some things to this day that I am not proud of. Since we have been married, I have been faithful to her but the past always seems to come back and she always brings it back up. I’ve noticed two years ago the decline in physical intimacy in our relationship. Sex seemed to be more of chore than something she enjoyed. We’ve gone to therapy together and I’ve put out all of my shortcomings to her in a safe environment, but yet still no change in her attitude.
Lately we’ve become more distant and we’ve talked about it. She says that she has given up all emotional attachment to me but is trying to get it back. But yet she feels that when I tell her that she is beautiful that I’m only trying to get sex out of her. This is not the case at all. Now I’ve begin to see she is texting one of her male coworkers more than me and it’s making me very nervous that she is cheating even though when I ask, she says there’s nothing going on. She just says she needs to hear from someone else that she is beautiful because she feels ugly and fat. I love my wife but I won’t stay with her if we can’t move on from the past. At this point I don’t know where to go from here. Could you please give me some kind of advice on what I should do? Can A Troubled Marriage Survive Without Forgiveness? I am stuck in love. Thank you
Sincerely, Stuck in Love
Dear Stuck in Love,
To begin, I would like to thank you for seeking counsel. Unfortunately, a large percentage of men do not ask for help. Your willingness to fight for your marriage is noteworthy. Also, your willingness to admit your wrongdoing and to attend therapy is noteworthy.
Based on your description of your current marital tension, it appears that your wife never did forgive you. Your wife’s lack of interest in physical intimacy is connected to her lack of emotional intimacy. It is probably safe to speculate that she married you with resentment and bitterness in her heart. This is not good. Without forgiveness, a troubled marriage cannot survive. It is impossible to thrive in life or love if one lives with nastiness in his or her heart.
Forgiving others is not easy, but God requires us to forgive. Refusing to forgive others is a sign of selfishness. God is not selfish, so He expects us to forgive others. However, it is not easy to forgive individuals who have emotionally, physically or sexually abused us, neglected us, embarrassed or belittled us, but forgiveness will enable us to heal. Letting go of anger and hatred is healthy and uplifts God’s kingdom. Forgiveness is our Godly obligation. Also, forgiveness empowers us to take control over our emotions. As long as we harbor unforgiveness, we are empowering those who hurt us and we remain stuck in the past. When we release bitterness, we allow God’s forgiveness to pour into our life and relationship.
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I speak about forgiveness from a Godly perspective because forgiveness is a matter of the heart. Keep in mind that unforgiveness is a negative emotion that handicaps us. In order to be released from this bondage, we have to heal our heart. With this in mind, I highly recommend that you and your wife seek spiritual counseling.
I have found that individuals who combine professional counseling and spiritual guidance are more capable of developing healthy coping skills and approach relationship conflict with balanced perspectives. Through a combination of marital and spiritual guidance, your wife and you can acquire knowledge that will enhance you all’s ability to thrive in your marriage.
Acquiring knowledge through marital guidance and then combining it with spiritual guidance will position your wife to become the whole person that God wants her to be. I believe that it is important to seek marital guidance to learn effective coping skills and receive spiritual guidance to learn and understand what God instructs you to do to sustain unconditional love in your marriage. Think of marital guidance as the mechanism that provides the coping skills you need to apply the knowledge you learn through spiritual guidance. Relationships are difficult to sustain without God’s presence and without effective interpersonal and communication skills. If you have concerns about your wife having an emotional affair, assertively express your concerns before your assumptions and worrying builds up and causes you to act irrationally.
Until you learn to achieve balance in your marriage, you will continue to experience unnecessary hardship. Marriage can be difficult at times and sustaining it can be challenging, but the Word teaches us to: “Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths” (Proverbs 3:5-6). Strive to connect with your wife spiritually, then emotional and physical intimacy will come. Remember that the heart represents our soul. Work to nurture your spirituality, but remember to develop effective coping skills along the way.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
BMWK, What do you think this husband should do?
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.