Hello Dr. Buckingham,
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years. Overall we have a great relationship. We pray together, we spend a lot of time together, we laugh and always enjoy each other’s company. We are in the midst of talking about marriage and have signed up for pre-marital counseling to help us in this journey.
Recently I shared something with him regarding what I thought about someone among a group of our friends. I told him that one of our married friends’ husband was very flirty and I thought he was even trying to flirt with me. He was a little upset but I told him that it may have been nothing and I wouldn’t worry, but if something else happened I would definitely tell him and he would have every right to approach this man about it.
Well, while we were at a gathering where this couple was, my boyfriend had too much to drink and started telling one of our other friends, who is best friends with the girl who’s husband. I was furious!! How could he tell something that I told him in confidence and in our intimate space what I said!! After that, he approached the man and began trying to fight him and his wife! I feel that my boyfriend was dead wrong!! I feel so betrayed!! Our relationship is worth more than these people or this situation!!
This has caused a major wedge between us to the point that I’m not sure if I can trust him or even want to continue the relationship! My boyfriend feels justified in his actions and even got mad at me for not being on his side. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Was he wrong for what he did to me and the couple? Where do we go from here? How do I recover after being betrayed by partner?
Sincerely,
Betrayed and confused!!
Dear Betrayed and Confused,
You are justified in feeling betrayed and frustrated because your boyfriend violated the three relationship commandments. The Three Relationship Commandments are a set of basic principles that govern how each partner should behave in a relationship. They are standards of behavior that must be exhibited by each partner in order to make the relationship function a little smoother.
As a psychotherapist who has provided counseling to thousands of individuals and couples, I have learned that no relationship can thrive when mistrust, disrespect and ineffective communication is present. With this in mind, I developed the three relationship commandments in order to help individuals understand what is needed to develop and sustain a healthy relationship.
Here are the three relationship commandments:
- Thou Shall Not Break My Trust. Trust is an essential part of having a healthy relationship because it sets the stage for love to prosper. Believing in and honoring your partner is the greatest gift that you can give in a relationship. Trust allows love to flourish in a relationship because it gives us a feeling of security and confidence. Your boyfriend violated this commandment and broke trust by sharing information that you shared with him in confidence. While I can empathize with his frustration as a man and protector, I do not agree with his approach. In all my years of doing therapy, I have never seen a healthy relationship work or last without trust. Understand that trust must be present and mutually expressed in order to have a healthy relationship.
- Thou Shall Not Disrespect Me. Respect is best defined as a feeling of deep admiration for someone. Feeling adored and respected are powerful emotions because they let us know that we are cherished. Your boyfriend violated this commandment and disrespected you by confronting the couple. You respected him enough to share your concerns and asked that he allow you to handle the situation if you felt uncomfortable. His admiration for you should be the driving factor that influences his behavior, not external factors. He must learn to put you first and can begin by respecting you. I have learned that people will attack when they are wronged, people will shut down when they are betrayed, but people will love intensively when they are respected and adored. Respect is a vital relationship principle that must be present. My favorite personal quote: Respect me or leave me, because disrespect is not an option.
- Thou Shall Not Engage in Ineffective Communication. Ineffective communication refers to poor communication that often leads to fighting, power struggles and unmanageable frustration. This kind of communication is counterproductive to relationships because messages sent are not understood or received. Your boyfriend violated this commandment by expressing his concerns while intoxicated and angry. In order to have a thriving and healthy relationship, effective communication must be present. Effective communication is a two-way information sharing process which involves one person sending a message that is easily understood by the receiving person. I have learned that if you talk at people they will shut down, but if you talk with people they will open up.
As you move forward with processing the future of your relationship, remember that it is easier to fight and win a battle then it is to fight and win a war. Some things should be dealt with early in your relationship. Being selective and establishing ground rules is important. Know what you can and cannot tolerate and take action early. Laughing together, praying together and spending time together is good, but failure to comply with the three relationship commandments listed above will contribute to on-going relationship conflict. Don’t condemn a man for making a mistake, but don’t tolerate a man who is too prideful to apologize. You can recover from and overcome feeling betrayed by seeking pre-marital therapy from a professional psychotherapist who can help you and your boyfriend incorporate my three commandments into your relationship. I am available if you need assistance.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.