A sister asked me, how can I date more than one man at once without looking like a slut? Apparently, this woman lives in a small town and is worried about folks from the church and community wondering why she was out with George on Friday, William on Saturday and Devon on Sunday.
If you can relate to this sister, I feel you. Let me offer you some powerful insight on why you associate casual dating with promiscuity in the first place and then give you some tools for successful dating.
I’ve found that the clients I work with who struggle with flirting, going on dates with multiple men and online dating have core beliefs that go something like this: “I was taught to be a lady. I don’t want to be seen as aggressive. Men are supposed to find a wife. I don’t want to lead a man on.”
The problem with these beliefs is that they sound positive, but they are actually limiting you from making connections with men, enjoy the dating process, and wisely choose a life mate.
When you’re worried about what other people will think of you, it’s a sign you’re playing a role and not being your true, authentic self.
Here’s why: When you’re worried about what other people will think of you, it’s a sign you’re playing a role and not being your true, authentic self. When you know in your heart and that you aren’t the kind of woman who leads men on, then who cares if another person judges you? If you know you aren’t being promiscuous, then the fact that the church ladies are gossiping about you is their problem and not yours.
You’ve also internalized the double standards that are out there when it comes to dating and relationships. No one says to a man, dating more than one woman at a time makes you a slut! In fact, we almost expect men to behave like this until they decide to settle down.
In today’s modern dating culture, you have to be just as proactive as a man would be in order to attract a mate. In fact, recent research shows that the average single person has to go on 100 dates before she meets “The One.” So dating more than one man at a time is a great way to move toward your goal of lasting love and marriage.
Now, you’re going to need some tools to successfully manage dating more than one man at a time. Let me help you get started.
1. Manage the sexual energy
Here’s what I mean: You can set up a date so that it’s clear that no one will be spending the night at your house afterward. Keep this in mind. There are many men out there who expect that if he planned and paid for a date, he should get something in return. That’s transactional thinking, and these sorts of men should be weeded through quickly.
Tip: Set up your first dates to be in public and to be more casual than romantic so that you can get to see who the man is in the daylight.
2. Withhold judgment
Make up in your mind that you will not judge a man before it’s time. That means you won’t let chemistry blind you into thinking that the next man you meet is your husband. Nor will you dismiss a man who doesn’t fit your fantasy of what you’ve always dreamed your future husband would look like.
Tip: The only exception to this rule is if a man crosses your boundaries while on a date, and propositions you for sex, right then and there. If that happens, get up and walk out!
3. Keep a journal
You’re going to want to write down your observations and feelings about each of the men you go out with. Note what you like about him, and keep track of their negative qualities. This will help prevent you from getting swept away by what a man is saying to you and instead focus on whether or not he is consistent.
Tip: You can successfully date more than one man at a time without looking like a slut when you stand in your truth and use the tools that make you a smart dater.
BMWK single ladies: Do you date multiple people at once, or do you prefer to date one at a time?