Dr. Buckingham,

My wife and I have both committed adultery in the past and I thought it was behind us until recently. I found out back in December that my wife had an affair on me. The affair ended in November when the guy she had the affair with broke it off. Since then my wife has joined a band that this guy is in and doesn’t believe this to be a problem. My Wife Continues to Cheat, Can You Please Advise?

Confused

Dear Confused,

I am not sure what interventions you and your wife used to work through past infidelity, but I do not believe that you all got to the root of the adulterous behavior. If your wife is engaging in the same behavior, the underlying issues in your marriage were not resolved. Sometimes we have to deal with deep-rooted and underlying issues in order to see and experience true change. Often individuals discuss behavioral flaws, but not the values that drive and/or influence the behavior.

Your wife’s values appear to be different than yours. In order for your marriage to succeed you and your wife have to discuss and come to an understanding about the values that will guide the relationship. Two of the most important values needed to succeed in marriage are commitment and integrity.

Commitment

Commitment is often associated with the word security. Beliefs about long-term security always influence behavior. If your wife and/or you do not believe that the marriage will last, the level of commitment goes down. When this happens, individuals struggle with the following question, “Should I Stay or Go?” This kind of thinking creates anxiety and individuals look for outlets to relieve the anxiety.

If they do not feel connected and safe in the marriage, they will seek outside assistance to make them feel safe and secure. Unfortunately, the commitment in your relationship was threatened by previous adultery. If your wife is not committed to making the marriage work, then you will continue to deal with adulterous behavior.

Her refusal to remove herself from the band is probably a reflection of her lack of commitment to you and the marriage. Be mindful, that behavior is sometimes an indirect expression of how individuals feel and think. You need to have an open and honest conversation about long-term commitment.

Integrity

I really do not like to judge people, especially when I do not know them or their unique personality. However, your wife appears to have some integrity issues. Integrity is often associated with living righteously. Individuals with high level of integrity, strive to do what is right when no one is looking. Unfortunately, your wife’s second affair is a reflection of low integrity. Some people make excuses or claim that they have “valid” reasons for lacking integrity. In my opinion there are no valid reasons for lacking integrity, especially in marriage.

Either leave the marriage or do right by your spouse. Lack of integrity is a character flaw. Your wife might not be happy with you, but cheating is about her. Share your concerns with your wife and seek professional counseling to see if you all can work through this issue.

Develop skills and habits that will nurture your marriage and allow it to grow. Think positive, remain calm, communicate your concerns, hold your wife accountable and strive to lift her up instead of tearing her down.

Best regards,

Dr. Buckingham

If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com

Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.