Where are all the good men? If you’re a smart, successful, marriage-minded sista, and you’ve found yourself asking that question out of frustration, I have some good news. According to some experts, once a woman turns 30, there’s a 70% chance she’s already met the love of her life. Your future husband could be a former classmate, co-worker, or someone you bumped into on your lunch break.
Now I haven’t been able to verify if this statistic is true or not, but the basic principle behind it is air-tight: You may be putting men who are husband material into the friend-zone because you don’t know these 3 things about choosing a mate, and it’s keeping you feeling invisible to the right man, and stuck with the wrong ones.
1. He should be fine and kind
Kindness is one of the hallmarks of someone who is emotionally available. The man you marry shouldn’t just be fine. He should also be kind! The problem, however, is that most women tend to friend-zone men because they’re too nice. For example, one of my clients told me she was turned off by a man who went out of his way to accommodate her needs. “It makes me feel like I can walk all over him,” she said. What I had to teach her was that a man who is thoughtful and sensitive to her needs has the exact qualities that will make a relationship last!
2. He should be accomplished and accepting
Most women put items on their “Ideal Man” list that point to a man’s ambition and accomplishments. But a good husband is also very skilled at acceptance. Not only should he be able to accept you for who you are, flaws and all, he should also accept your influence on him. According to John Gottman, the author of theThe Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, a good husband has the strength to let the opinions and needs of his woman influence his decisions. He’s able to compromise, doesn’t get into power struggles, and honors and respects his wife’s feelings.
It’s easy to friend-zone a man who actually has these qualities because these are not always the kind of qualities we think of in a Man’s Man, who tends to be admired because he’s always in control of a situation. However, these men also can try to control a relationship and lack the emotional intelligence to be good partners.
Good men still exist! You have to open up your eyes and your heart to see them.
3. He should create chemistry and be consistent
Are you looking to feel a “spark” in order to determine if a man’s right for you? If so, you’re overlooking a key component in choosing a mate: A man’s ability to be consistent in between dates is more important than his ability to make you feel sparks on a date. Consistency is a sign that a man has strong character and that he can be trusted with your heart. You can only discern what a man is made of over time, so if you have a really great guy that you’ve friend-zoned, and he’s still sticking around, he may have what it takes to be a good husband for you!
Good men still exist! You have to open up your eyes and your heart to see them. That often means you’ve got to go back and look at the men you’ve labeled as just a good friend, because he may be the perfect person for you!
BMWK, would you date a man that you’ve previously put in the friend-zone? Why or why not?