Dear Dr. Buckingham,
Hello, I need some advice. I have been married and at a really young age of 25. And we have two sons. I knew what I wanted. I knew how my man needed to be treated and he got just that and more. But our marriage did not last long (1year). I have been in and out of relationships since then. I am a very beautiful woman who knows that I need to be treated like a queen. However, I am ready to give up on this relationship adventure because I give so much of my time to one person and they play with my emotions. What advice can you give a single sister who is hurting and somewhat confused? I get compliments all the time from men who tell me that I will make a man an outstanding wife. Ok, I know this. Dr. Buckingham can you help me. How can I identify men who are not worthy of my time? Thanks in advance for the advice.
GODSQUEEN
Dear Godsqueen,
One of the most challenging aspects of entering and sustaining a committed relationship is your ability to identify men who are not worthy of your time. Some men are great candidates but are not qualified to be in relationships. How can you identify men who are not worthy of your time?
Simple: assess whether a man is available emotionally. When he tells you that he is not looking for a serious relationship, bells should ring and you should move quickly to remove yourself from the situation. Do not enter into a relationship with an emotionally unavailable man…thinking that you are going to change him. Some men will tell you where they are emotionally and some will not. With this in mind, it is imperative that you learn how to identify, assess and walk away from men who are not emotionally available. Believe me, it will save you a lot of heartache.
There are three categories of emotionally unavailable men: 1) those who are emotionally unavailable by choice; 2) those who are emotionally unavailable because they are afraid of being hurt or feel vulnerable; and 3) those who are emotionally unavailable by choice due to fear.
By Choice: Men who choose not to be available emotionally are frequently consumed by desires to pursue and achieve career goals. Their decision to remain emotionally unavailable is significantly influenced by their decision to focus on their careers or other areas of their lives. They understand and are okay with putting their personal lives on the back burner, and make it known that they are not available.
Fear: Men who are afraid of being emotionally available do not make a conscious choice; they are driven out of fear of being vulnerable or being hurt. They desire to be in relationships, but their fear consumes them. They desperately want and believe in companionship, but are afraid to go get it. Men who are afraid cope with their fear by putting their professional life in the forefront.
By Choice due to Fear: Some men make themselves emotionally unavailable by choice due to fear. This category of men desire to be in relationships, but choose to remain single out of fear. They are typically financially comfortable or stable and their careers are on track. They will talk about commitment, but will not take serious steps toward committing.
Emotional unavailability describes a man’s mindset. Identifying emotionally unavailable men is fairly easy. There are five major behavioral indicators that I encourage women to consider:
- Does he keep his guard up or have trouble sharing his emotions;
- Has he been in a long-term committed relationship within the past two to five years; and
- Is he approaching or has passed the age of 35 and is still single;
- Does he spend a significant amount of time focusing on school, work or other areas of his life and is only open to companionship that meets his terms;
- Does he engage in self-serving behavior and express little concern for others’ emotional needs?
If a man answers yes to one or more of the behavioral indicators listed above, then there is a high possibility that he might be an emotionally unavailable guy. Emotionally unavailable men look, act and think like any other man, but experience difficulty in entering or sustaining relationships because they are extremely sensitive to being hurt. If he becomes defensive when discussing emotions, he is probably experiencing some mild fear or anxiety.
Some emotionally unavailable men deal with fear by becoming high achievers. Also, they might get involved in heartfelt community and church activities to feel emotionally connected to others in some way. What is interesting is that most emotionally unavailable men are very compassionate and thoughtful. This is where it gets tricky for you. What woman does not want a compassionate and thoughtful man? You long to be in a relationship with a compassionate and thoughtful guy and will spend your whole life looking for him. Emotionally unavailable men are not bad individuals, they simply lack the skills needed to direct their compassion and thoughtfulness toward women, especially in intimate relationships. Limiting their love and holding back are defense mechanisms.
If you come across a man who is not emotionally available, do not waste your time, especially if he is not willing to acknowledge or meet your emotional needs (more on this in book, Qualified, yet Single: Why Good Men Remain Single). Keep in mind that no relationship can blossom without emotional bonding—assess for emotional availability by using the behavioral indicators mentioned above and move on if the man you are interested in is not available. Whatever you do, do not get caught up.
Best regards, Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.