“That’s ok. Jesus is my spiritual husband.”
This sister’s comments stopped the Bishop dead in his tracks. He had just finished teaching a series on marriage and I guess the single woman was feeling left out, so she made a statement that so many of us in the church have been taught through the years.
However, the Bishop turned around and went back to the pulpit and said, “I just heard a single sister say that Jesus is her spiritual husband. Jesus is NOT your man. He is your savior. He’s married to the church, not to you!”
I was surprised and happy to hear a church leader correcting this teaching because I’d spent most of my 20’s hearing teaching like:
“Take God on a date.”
“You don’t NEED a man. Be happy with Jesus alone.”
“Don’t idolize marriage. You can do more for Christ when you’re single anyway!”
“Hide yourself so deeply in Jesus that a man has to go through Him to find you.”
“Go somewhere and sit down! You’re acting too desperate!”
“Don’t date someone outside the church. Don’t miss Bible study because you’re going out on a date. Don’t use online dating, it’s a sin! Don’t, Don’t, Don’t!”
I understand that we’re trying to help singles come to terms with their singleness. But by promoting the “Jesus-is-your-man” theology, we have created many myths that have become roadblocks for singles who want to be married. In other words, we’re telling sisters they don’t get to be loved. And that’s not ok with me.
So let’s see how the top 3 myths have been making Christian dating complicated:
Myth #1: Your desires are sinful
Many of the Christian singles I meet are struggling with extreme loneliness and depression but they won’t admit it because they’ve been told they don’t need a man. They feel guilty just thinking about a relationship and their doubts about their worthiness for love cause them to create relationship failures!
Maybe we’ve come to believe the inaccurate stats on Black women and marriage and feel like there aren’t enough men to go around so we want to prepare women for a life of singleness.
The problem is Black women were born to be loved, just like everyone else.
We need tenderness, affection, healthy sexual lives, support, attention and more. These desires are NOT sinful. They are natural.
As Reverend Marcia Dyson said, “The Bible teaches that we are designed to be a “complement, helpmate and supplement’ to a man [Genes 2:18]. And yet now we are telling black women to live without a man. This doesn’t work on a number of levels.”
Myth #2: God is withholding your mate because you’re not ready
Readiness is important and you need to prepare for marriage. But I’ve had women tell me they’re NOT dating because they’re preparing. They’re reading their bibles, attending church, and volunteering all their time serving in the church.
Then they wonder why they don’t meet anyone! The logical conclusion they come to is “I guess God doesn’t think I’m ready enough.”
In other words, we’ve been teaching singles that they have to be “good enough” for God to bless them with a mate. There’s a big problem here.
There is NEVER a time when you will know everything you need to know about marriage.
Waiting to date until you’re “ready” is like waiting to enroll in college because you want to read all the books for class BEFORE anyone teaches you.
You’re going to learn & grow as you go. The secret to success in your marriage is to have a community of support to lean on when you hit a bump in your relationship.
Myth #3: God requires lifelong celibacy
This one is tough, so I’m gonna ask you to stay with me. I was a guest speaker at a Bible study called “the truth about fornication.” The pastor challenged the congregation to find the scripture that says “an unmarried man and an unmarried woman shall not have sex.” They were unable to because the scripture doesn’t exist.
However, Christian singles have been told if they “fornicate” they are condemned. They are told to do purity ceremonies and to take life-long vows of celibacy. Yet, over 80% of Christians are sexually active!
Many of them carry around burdens of guilt & shame and think that marriage is now outside of their reach because of their sin.
Let’s be clear: I am NOT saying because there’s no scripture on premarital sex that singles can do what they want. The Bible is clear about sexual immorality and our call to honor God with our bodies.
But God’s answer to sexual temptation is marriage, not life-long celibacy.
But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 1 Corinthians 7:2 (ERV)
This is a call to change the way we teach these standards so that women don’t leave singles’ conferences thinking that not having sex is the only thing God is concerned about.
We have to stop calling women who want marriage “desperate” and women who do engage in premarital sex “Jezebels!”
Instead we need to create better frameworks for helping singles understand their relationship to God. He’s not their boyfriend!
And we need to equip them with actual, practical tools and resources that help them get married (If they want to) instead of telling them to just pray more, read more, and give more so that God will send them a mate.
BMWK, do you think wanting a man makes a woman desperate?