“That’s ok. Jesus is my spiritual husband.”
This sister’s comments stopped the Bishop dead in his tracks. He had just finished teaching a series on marriage and I guess the single woman was feeling left out, so she made a statement that so many of us in the church have been taught through the years.
However, the Bishop turned around and went back to the pulpit and said, “I just heard a single sister say that Jesus is her spiritual husband. Jesus is NOT your man. He is your savior. He’s married to the church, not to you!”
I was surprised and happy to hear a church leader correcting this teaching because I’d spent most of my 20’s hearing teaching like:
“Take God on a date.”
“You don’t NEED a man. Be happy with Jesus alone.”
“Don’t idolize marriage. You can do more for Christ when you’re single anyway!”
“Hide yourself so deeply in Jesus that a man has to go through Him to find you.”
“Go somewhere and sit down! You’re acting too desperate!”
“Don’t date someone outside the church. Don’t miss Bible study because you’re going out on a date. Don’t use online dating, it’s a sin! Don’t, Don’t, Don’t!”
I understand that we’re trying to help singles come to terms with their singleness. But by promoting the “Jesus-is-your-man” theology, we have created many myths that have become roadblocks for singles who want to be married. In other words, we’re telling sisters they don’t get to be loved. And that’s not ok with me.
So let’s see how the top 3 myths have been making Christian dating complicated:
Myth #1: Your desires are sinful
Many of the Christian singles I meet are struggling with extreme loneliness and depression but they won’t admit it because they’ve been told they don’t need a man. They feel guilty just thinking about a relationship and their doubts about their worthiness for love cause them to create relationship failures!
Maybe we’ve come to believe the inaccurate stats on Black women and marriage and feel like there aren’t enough men to go around so we want to prepare women for a life of singleness.
The problem is Black women were born to be loved, just like everyone else.
We need tenderness, affection, healthy sexual lives, support, attention and more. These desires are NOT sinful. They are natural.
As Reverend Marcia Dyson said, “The Bible teaches that we are designed to be a “complement, helpmate and supplement’ to a man [Genes 2:18]. And yet now we are telling black women to live without a man. This doesn’t work on a number of levels.”
Myth #2: God is withholding your mate because you’re not ready
Readiness is important and you need to prepare for marriage. But I’ve had women tell me they’re NOT dating because they’re preparing. They’re reading their bibles, attending church, and volunteering all their time serving in the church.
Then they wonder why they don’t meet anyone! The logical conclusion they come to is “I guess God doesn’t think I’m ready enough.”
In other words, we’ve been teaching singles that they have to be “good enough” for God to bless them with a mate. There’s a big problem here.