Dr. Buckingham,
I have been married to my husband for 2 years and we have been together 6 years. In 2013 we decided to move to Louisiana from Chicago because he said it was a better living in Louisiana and he also would be a better father and husband. So we moved with my two kids by different marriages and a daughter I have with him. We moved in with his father, who told us to come stay with him until we got on our feet. When my husband and I would have fights, he would tell his father our business.
This led to his father having negative things to say about me. Not only did his father have negative things to say about me, but his friends said things as well because my husband talked with them about us. Through the year I’ve been living down here with my husband, I’ve been beat down as a wife, mother and a woman. I can’t take it anymore so I have decided to leave with my children because I’m broken in the inside and if I keep going I don’t know what will happen to my mental state. I love my husband so much that’s it’s killing me to want to leave because I want my marriage to work. Please help me. What Can I Do to Make My Marriage Work?
Dear Mrs. Hurting,
In order to make your marriage work, you should start by having a conversation with your husband about his need to talk about your marriage with anyone who will listen. I understand that he might turn to his father for “wisdom” and/or support. This is common. However, your father in-law is not helping your husband by treating you in a negative manner.
Furthermore, your husband does not understand his role as a husband and your role as his wife. No man should honor his family over his wife. Genesis 2:24 reminds us that, “The highest allegiance, except God, shall be to thy wife, not they relatives or friends.”
Anytime a man honors his family over his wife, he is creating a bad situation. If you feel insecure, that means that your husband is not leading you properly. If your husband continues to disrespect you and your marriage, you have to decide what is best for you and your children.
Unfortunately, love does hurt, but not intentionally. Do not allow your love for your husband to blind you. In order for your marriage to work, respect and effective communication must be present.
You mentioned that you and your husband have fights. This is not a good sign of a healthy marriage. Fighting implies confrontation and usually ends with a winner and a loser. Disagreements occur in every marriage, but I believe that individuals should look for more peaceful ways to resolve differences.
You deserve to be cherished and treated with tenderness and affection. Unfortunately, you cannot make your marriage work if you are broken. Get professional help. As I see it, you have two options: assertively request to be treated with respect and dignity or move on. I am not suggestion that you divorce your husband, but he might need time to reflect on his behavior and your worth.
No one can beat you down without your permission. If you allow yourself to be abused, you are partially at blame. God gave us the gift of Free will. If your husband continues to disrespect you, exercise your Free Will and move on. Fear of living without your husband is not a good reason to stay in the marriage. True love and happiness occurs when you enjoy living with him. Seek marital therapy.
Best regards, Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.