I have been married to my husband for 2 years and we have been together 6 years. In 2013 we decided to move to Louisiana from Chicago because he said it was a better living in Louisiana and he also would be a better father and husband. So we moved with my two kids by different marriages and a daughter I have with him. We moved in with his father, who told us to come stay with him until we got on our feet. When my husband and I would have fights, he would tell his father our business.
This led to his father having negative things to say about me. Not only did his father have negative things to say about me, but his friends said things as well because my husband talked with them about us. Through the year I’ve been living down here with my husband, I’ve been beat down as a wife, mother and a woman. I can’t take it anymore so I have decided to leave with my children because I’m broken in the inside and if I keep going I don’t know what will happen to my mental state. I love my husband so much that’s it’s killing me to want to leave because I want my marriage to work. Please help me. What Can I Do to Make My Marriage Work?
Dear Mrs. Hurting,
In order to make your marriage work, you should start by having a conversation with your husband about his need to talk about your marriage with anyone who will listen. I understand that he might turn to his father for “wisdom” and/or support. This is common. However, your father in-law is not helping your husband by treating you in a negative manner.
Furthermore, your husband does not understand his role as a husband and your role as his wife. No man should honor his family over his wife. Genesis 2:24 reminds us that, “The highest allegiance, except God, shall be to thy wife, not they relatives or friends.”
Anytime a man honors his family over his wife, he is creating a bad situation. If you feel insecure, that means that your husband is not leading you properly. If your husband continues to disrespect you and your marriage, you have to decide what is best for you and your children.
Unfortunately, love does hurt, but not intentionally. Do not allow your love for your husband to blind you. In order for your marriage to work, respect and effective communication must be present.
You mentioned that you and your husband have fights. This is not a good sign of a healthy marriage. Fighting implies confrontation and usually ends with a winner and a loser. Disagreements occur in every marriage, but I believe that individuals should look for more peaceful ways to resolve differences.
You deserve to be cherished and treated with tenderness and affection. Unfortunately, you cannot make your marriage work if you are broken. Get professional help. As I see it, you have two options: assertively request to be treated with respect and dignity or move on. I am not suggestion that you divorce your husband, but he might need time to reflect on his behavior and your worth.
No one can beat you down without your permission. If you allow yourself to be abused, you are partially at blame. God gave us the gift of Free will. If your husband continues to disrespect you, exercise your Free Will and move on. Fear of living without your husband is not a good reason to stay in the marriage. True love and happiness occurs when you enjoy living with him. Seek marital therapy.
Best regards, Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to [email protected]
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.
Ruby Griffin says
JUST leave.The sooner you accept what is,the better you can accept better.but.before you leave,make sure you have did everything possible to make your marriage work.So,when you walk out that door,You want have no guilt to walk back in.
Any man who has to run home to his daddy in order to “be a better father and husband” is still a boy. If he can’t stand on his own two feet then leave him.
love is a choice and you made vows created a covenant that should not be broken. try to fix it, seek God for wisdom, this can be fixed and restored. Regardless of whos right or wrong, you make the first step and be the bigger person. Love is not about “self” its not about thinking about our needs and happiness its about making our other half happy and loving them just like Christ loves us. talk to him find out whats wrong, talk about the issue and find some christian help from your pastor or church. Seperation or divorce is not the answer. You have kids that are watching and will model after you, tough it out dont be led by your feelings or heart because it is deceitful, but follow and be led by the word. The first marriage also did not work, we need to analyze our hearts and see where our hearts are truly at and why this is happening. Fight for your marriage, leaving is always the easy way out. Seek the Lord and do your part and God will do his, he is faithful trust him.