Hi Dr. Buckingham,
I have been engaged for almost a year to a 48 year old man. I am 34. He is from Boston, MA and really does not go up there much. But as of lately, he has visited his family because his dad is ill. We have good communication but he decided to visit this past Friday and told me he was coming back Sunday. He has a child from a previous marriage and he was up there to visit her as well.
Saturday I tried to call and his phone was off and did not come on until 4 pm. Later on Sunday I called and the phone was off till 2 pm. When I finally spoke to him, he claims he turned it off because his ex-wife was going to keep calling and he just wanted quiet time with his daughter. And he claims he told me he was going to turn it off. I told him that he did not tell me that. Sunday came and he claims he was on the train, but I called Amtrak and found out that his name was not on the list for any of the 7 trains he claimed he missed. He would not answer my calls or text messages. Finally he texted back saying he was staying in Boston until Monday. He called Monday and I told him how hurt I was about him lying to me and that he should have just told me he was going to stay to see his dad. He feels I would not understand because before I would ask if I could go with him. I have never been to Boston and we have been together for 2 years now. I told him not to keep that over me because he has not been up there since he moved to Philly over 3 years ago, but he could have went whenever he wanted.
He hates when I ask questions or go on and on about a subject. He is an introvert and does not like when people ask questions. But when his daughter, who lives in Boston ask sa lot of questions it doesn’t bother him. I feel that the communication between us has become hard. It could be because his dad is very ill and he feels guilty for not really being there. I am not sure. He is supposed to come back Tuesday. He told me his train was 720, come to find out he is not on the train he is at the hospital with his dad. He feels he does not have to communicate that he is there because it has nothing to do with me. We are engaged!!!??? I feel communication is important and I just wanted to know when he plans to return so that I can pick him up at the train station. He has no family here.
We are going to talk today about how to fix some of the issues that we have been having lately. I do not know what to do from here. How can I keep this relationship together? I need a male’s point of view…. please help!
Signed Confused,
Dear Confused,
You are correct in your belief that communication is important and I would also like to add that respect and honesty is just as important. You cannot build a healthy relationship based on disrespect and deception. I am going to repeat this:
You cannot build a healthy relationship based on disrespect and deception.
Deceptive men play games with women by either lying or trying to persuade you to believe things that are not true. Some men engage in this kind of behavior with the intent to manipulate, control and confuse you. Your fiancé is demonstrating dishonesty which is a contributing factor to distrust and relationship discord. Remember that if you enter a relationship based on deception, you will sustain it based on deception. Knowingly lying to someone is hurtful and is not appropriate for any relationship. Also, being guarded is counterproductive to having a healthy relationship.
When we enter into a relationship we do not lose ourselves, but gain support. We should be willing to share our lives. The beauty of having someone in your life is that they can help you through the bad times and celebrate with you during the good times.
A man who cherishes you will allow you to pray with him and for him; cry with him and for him; and be the backbone that is needed to help him walk tall. His sorrows are your sorrows and your sorrows are his sorrows. If he honors and respects you, he will make sure that you are given an opportunity to be a part of his life and those he loves. Given this, effective communication is critical and sets the stage for your relationship to blossom. No talk, you should walk.
Be mindful that pain and happiness are opposites. If what you want or desire causes you pain or makes you feel bad, then it cannot truly make you happy. Listen to your heart; if it hurts and you feel troubled that means that you are moving in the wrong direction.
You can keep your relationship together by attending pre-marital counseling in order to deal with your communication issues because you will probably find that your communication difficulty is a by-product of other problems. Let your fiancé know that he will either respect you or leave you because emotional abuse is not an option. Assert yourself before marriage so that it will be easier during marriage.
Best regards, Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.