Hi Dr. Buckingham,
I’ve been with my fiancé for 3 years now. I’m only 19 and he’s 22. We have a baby that’s 10 months old. My fiancé cheated on me with another girl throughout my pregnancy so I didn’t really enjoy it. I feel like he doesn’t take me seriously when I ask him serious things.
He never gives me an explanation as to why he cheated. He does not say one word and he gets calls from another girl who tell him that she wants to be with him. He tells me that he does know who she is and he yells at me because I asked for the number.
Related: Deal with cheating in your marriage; Don’t just “move past it”
We have broken up twice already but I keep going back because of our baby. I hate to see him apart from either one. He has lost all respect towards me. He tells me to shut my mouth and I am not worth (anything).
I get mad and ignore him, but then he comes back and acts like nothing happened. I just get over it like I always do because I don’t know how to stay mad. I really don’t know what to do any more. Should I Marry My Disrespectful Fiancé?
Young and In Love,
Dear Young and In-Love,
Unfortunately, disrespect is not your biggest issue and the answer to your question is No and No. If a man does not respect you, he will not treat you well. Disrespect means to have little or no regard for. When a man disrespects a woman, he is basically saying, “I think very little of you.”
You are dealing with a man who is emotionally abusive. Please be mindful that the cycle of abuse is only possible if you have two people with issues: the victim (you) and the perpetrator (your fiancé). It is not my intent to judge you or to be cruel.
However, I do feel that it is imperative to call it as I see it. Victims give second, third and fourth chances. Sometimes out of fear, sometimes out of blind love, and sometimes out of ignorance (lack of knowledge). Regardless of the reason, most victims need and should get help.
Related: Here are some real life experiences and 8 signs of abuse you must read now!
Understand that you are in love, but remember that love does not hurt. At least not intentionally! If the man that you love hurts you intentionally then he needs to learn more about how to give and receive love. Perpetrators like your fiancé do what they want especially if they can get away with it. No consequences, no change. If you get over it, so will he until the next time.
You should get some counseling so that you can learn how to demand respect. You must learn to assertively request to be treated like a queen and know when to walk away. If you are interested and serious about receiving coaching, please send me an email at Dwayne@realhorizonsdlb.com
If you are willing to invest in yourself, I will provide three 45-minute telephone-coaching sessions for $35 per session. I typically charge $85 per session.
Please learn to invest in yourself because no one else will. Your worth is determined by how you treat yourself. Respect yourself and your fiancé will not have a choice.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.