Dear Dr. Buckingham,
I’m not sure where to start, so I’ll just go for it. I’m somewhat currently engaged to whom I thought was the man of my dreams. On March 25, 2015, he released information he’d been holding in for quite some time. He’d slept with over six different women in the three-year timeframe of our relationship. And he slept with 1 of the 6 actually on numerous occasions.
I’ve been praying for guidance in my path. As of right now, I’m not in spirit for this whole wedding set for the end of this year. I wouldn’t feel right saying, “I do” under these conditions. My mind has many doubts and double thoughts. My soul just feels dumbfounded. I feel the entire time was a lie because we wouldn’t have gotten to this point in our relationship, if I had known what I do now. I just don’t know. Am I Wrong for Having Second Thoughts about Getting Married?
Sincerely Second Thoughts
Dear Second Thoughts,
No, you are not wrong for having second thoughts about getting married. You should have doubts and double thoughts.
If your fiancé cheated prior to marriage, he probably will cheat after marriage. Unfortunately, your dilemma is commonplace. I often speak with single women who are confused about remaining with and marrying “honest” men who are selfish and lack self-control.
You should be suspicious of any man who allows moments to destroy futures – yours and his.
The problem I have with selfish men who lack self-control is this. They have difficulty with seeing and understanding how their actions hurt the women they claim to love. This is not a very attractive or trustworthy trait for a future spouse. You should be suspicious of any man who allows moments to destroy futures – yours and his.
Please do not fall pray to the psychological warfare that men are good at. Do not allow your fiancé to use your confusion to minimize his indiscretions.
The marriage institution is not designed for self-centered, selfish and undisciplined individuals. Temptation is everywhere and it occasionally presents itself. You need to know for sure that your fiancé has the discipline, insight and self-control to walk away from temptation. Better yet, he needs to be able to see it before he is it in. They say, “An Ounce of Prevention is worth a Pound of Cure.”
I highly recommend that you consider pre-marital therapy or relationship coaching if you decide to move forward. Whatever you decide, please know that you deserve the best. In the Fall I will be releasing my new book entitled, “You Deserve More: A Single Woman’s Guide to Marriage, How to Select and Invest in a Lifetime Partner”. I highly recommend you secure a copy prior to moving forward.
In closing, don’t do what your heart and soul can’t handle. If you can’t trust or forgive him, do not give yourself to him.
Best regards,
Dr. Buckingham
If you have questions for Dr. Dwayne Buckingham regarding relationships (married, single, etc), parenting, or personal growth and development, please send an email to askdrbuckingham@gmail.com
Disclaimer: The ideas, opinions and recommendations contained in this post are not intended as a substitute for seeking professional counseling or guidance. Any concerns or questions that you have about relationships or any other source of potential distress should be discussed with a professional, in person. The author is not liable or responsible for any personal or relational distress, loss or damage allegedly arising from any information or recommendations in this post.