- It’s not “my way or the highway” all the time: the dishes don’t have to be loaded MY WAY all the time! Whether they are neatly loaded or thrown in willy-nilly, if they still get clean (and stay in one piece), then why should I complain?
- Sometimes it’s OK for my husband to express his love to me in HIS language, not mine. In the five love languages, my primary is words of affirmation, but his is physical touch. So if he grabs my butt or gives me a bear hug instead of verbalizing that he loves me, I’m cool with that!
- Doing things differently increases the harmony in our home: When we make plans, we learn that two heads are better than one in many aspects.
From a sexual standpoint, we are flexible in the tone and timing of our escapades. The build up to our intimate encounters doesn’t always have to last for hours. If all I have is 15 minutes before work, a quickie will do just fine!
What about you, BMWK? How have you found that this 30 Day Sex Challenge has taught you lessons about flexibility in dealing with your spouse?
God bless!
Harriet Hairston is a woman who slips and slides in and out of labels (military officer, human resource manager, minister, mentor, spoken word artist and teacher). The only ones that have stuck so far are “wife” and “mother” (the most important in her estimation). The rest have taught her well that only what she does for Christ will last. There is one more permanent label she holds: “author.” You can purchase her first book, “Who Are You?” simply by clicking on the link. You can also contact her at [email protected]
Dear Harriet, I have been married for a little over 20years and the mother of two teenagers unfortunately, I would describe myself as a “prude.” This is not something that I’m proud of; in fact I want to change that. Thank you for exhorting married couples to embrace passion in their relationships. The 30 day challenge will be huge for my husband and I to achieve, but it is so needed in our relationship. We have missed the intimacy and have replaced it with other superficial activities. Activities that created a chasm between us. My prayer is that we become so in love with each that we can’t get enough of one another and that my reservations about intimacy will be dismissed. I shared the article with my husband via email and of course he’s more than willing to accept the challenge. Lord, Give Me strength!!
Prude no more
@ Sheila,
Each article I write comes from a very prayer-saturated place. Your comment certainly solidified the fact that my prayers for marriages everywhere are in the process of being answered. For that, I am so grateful! Sexual intimacy is a large part of being married, and I believe when it increases, so does marital harmony.
At any rate, thank you for your comment! I can definitely relate to your story (check out https://blackandmarriedwithkids.com/2010/04/08/rated-ma/).
If you are having any difficulties creating the kind of intimacy you want because of your viewpoint and/or attitude towards sex, let me know. I have a few resources that may be of assistance to you (a website about 101 positions, pointers on oral stimulation and orgasms).
I hope you and your husband, above all, have FUN and enjoy one another!
I agree with the points and the challenge you made, marriage is definately about giving and receiving, a compromise that’s well worth it.
When my husband takes a dish and puts it in the dishwasher, I know that he may not get every piece of food off the dish like I would, but that’s what that “heavy wash cycle” is for. I’m learning everyday as a wife to let little things stay little. Do I really want to spend time arguing over dishwasher etiquette? Really!
I love the way my husband knows that exact look on my face that tells him, my wife needs a hug, just his arms around me does the trick. I also know that if we hug long enough that there will be a southern uprising, “his language,” and that’s another way he shows me he cares… “One for the team baby,” he says, “just one for the team.”
I enjoy your articles Harriet. We accept the challenge!
Harriet, I wanted to do the challenge soooo bad… I introduced the article to him but he said he wouldn’t be into doing the challenge. I didn’t press the issue but I am so frustrated. My husband has said in so many words that he is not attracted to me. When we met I was a size 18 (4yrs ago) now I am a size 14/16. We have sex maybe two to three times a month and its killing me. I am the type that could actually go everyday!! And that’s with 4 kids and full-time job. Sex/Intimacy is a relaxer and a mini-vacation.(If done properly):):) I just dont know what to do. Nothing I do is working at this point and the last thing I want to do is even think about cheating. God has blessed me through this storm to have patience that I didn’t think I had. Keep up with the great articles, they are truly a blessing…..
Thank you Harriet for the feedback. I do remember reading your article about being “good Christian girl” and I can SO relate because I too was determined be celibate until marriage and I did. It was only by the grace of God. Your testimony is very similar to mine. As I read it over again I concluded that if your a passionate worshiper and praiser of the true living God, shouldn’t that passion be reflected in the marriage chamber? It is not difficult for me to accept that married couples should be enjoying sexual intimacy to the fullest and that it is essential for the vitality of the relationship it’s just a struggle for me to apply it. GeeGee4, my husband would love it if my drive was as fast and furious as yours. I am going to learn to calm myself down as Harriet said and take heed to the examples that she shared. GeeGee said, your articles are a blessing. I agree. Thank you for the godly counsel for such a sensitive topic. Stay in HIS will.
Prude Nomore
Thank you Harriet…I am loving this challenge and it is helping to strengthen the intimacy in our relationship. Your comments above fall in line with what we learned from this week’s episode of the Bottom Line….where Aiyana says there is more than one way to do things…and we have to focus on the relationship agenda as opposed to our individual agendas.
.-= Ronnie´s last blog ..The Bottom Line (Episode 4- Whats Yours Is Mine, Whats Mine Is Mine!) =-.
@ Tahlitha,
Thank you, and HAVE FUN!!!! I know it’s going to be a blessing!
@ GeeGee,
I was a little dumbfounded by your comment, because it never crossed my mind that a husband would not want to engage in this kind of challenge. Not that there’s something wrong with your husband or anything…it just never crossed my mind. I just want to encourage you to STAY encouraged, sis. I know I’ve been throwing it out there a lot, but perhaps couples counseling or sex therapy may be an option as well. In the meantime, I’m praying with you. Any brothers out there care to elaborate about this quandary?
@ Prudenomore/Sheila,
All I can say is, “Don’t stop, get it, get it!” LOL
@ Ronnie,
I can tell you and Lamar are having a good time…little tattle tale. 😉 You two are such a blessing!
ALL:
Thank you so much for your encouragement and blessings regarding what the team here at BMWK presents to you!
Thanks for the prayers Harriet, my husband agreed to go to therapy at my church. I am praying for God’s intervention and Prudenomore hang in there. Just think of it like everytime you please your husband, you are in essence Pleasing God!!! God Bless….
I’ll admit that you had me at the title. While I will not be trying the ‘Challenge’, I will be using it to encourage a higher frequency.
@GeeGee4 with 4 kids, work and a Home (not a house) to maintain I think that a little less pressure on him might work wonders. My wife just text me “can I get some tonight?” I’ve been sorely lacking in the intimacy department for months now (gotta make sure that she doesn’t read this one). Mental note.
With work, bills, children and everyday life I just haven’t been interested. There’s been a bit much on my plate/our plate and we usually ebb & flow with it . Believe it or not. I just want to be held. Yes, I said it.
Last night my wife put in a movie, called me out of the home office and we cuddled on the couch and watched the movie. No pressure, no sudden moves and just watched the movie then went to bed and slept.
Worse than letting someone down is knowing beforehand that you can’t PLEASE them. How they may want you to. When they may want you to. Relax, he’s not going anywhere and you said that your not going anywhere. So take some of the pressure off.
@Harriet You would be surprised by the number of women who deal with a husband who either has a lower sex drive than them or has some issue, whether emotional, mental, or physical, that is preventing him from being intimate with his wife.
.-= Carlton´s last blog ..God’s Man | Biblical Manhood =-.
You’re right, Carlton…my viewpoint was stuck inside the bubble of my own home, so that never crossed my mind until GeeGee brought it up. SMH