By Aja Dorsey Jackson
Don’t have sex until you’re married.
If only everyone followed this rule laid out in most religions we would not have so many of the issues that we deal with today like teen pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases and out-of-wedlock births. If we would all stop sinning and lock it up and throw away the key until somebody put a ring on it, life would presumably be so much better overall.
Now hit the reality button. The fact is that while waiting until marriage is possible and does happen it isn’t as likely to happen as the alternative. The fact is that if brides started abiding by the “virgin-in-a-white-dress” rules, you would see a heck of a lot more gowns in beige, khaki, maybe even red.
With a daughter moving into her teen years, this reality has led me to think about what I will teach her about sex as she gets older. What I have come to is this: despite my Christian upbringing and beliefs, I will not teach my daughter abstinence only.
I grew up in church and was taught to “just say no” to sex from a young age, just like most of those that grew up in church with me. Sex before marriage was a scary place where the Boogey Man lived. If you were a fornicator you were done for. Do not pass Go. Report to Hell immediately.
Yet despite the emphasis on swearing off sex until marriage, very few kids at my church made it down the aisle, or even to the age of 20 without having a baby first. If we count those that saved themselves for marriage, that number becomes miniscule, if existent at all. The unspoken truth in my church, and I know I’m not alone, is that there were just as many sexually active teens and young adults, if not more, than there were anywhere else.
I am not a researcher, and can’t say that I truly know why this teaching didn’t work. I just know that it didn’t. And I am determined to send my children out into this world armed with more than a Bible and the word “No.”
Because we are raising our children to be Christians, in any situation that comes up I talk to my kids about what the Bible says, and what we believe God wants for us. But at the same time I want to make sure that I’m having a conversation with my kids, not delivering a sermon. A conversation that revolves not only around sin and consequences, but also birth control options and making smart relationship decisions.
I know what’s right, but I won’t hide my eyes to what’s real. “Just say no” doesn’t work on kids beyond a certain age because waiting for marriage to have sex requires commitment to something you truly believe in; not just because the idea has been beaten into your head. I can teach my children what I believe, but I can’t force them to take that teaching to heart. That is something they will need to do or their own. Just as I would do to prepare them for college or to make any other life decision, I plan to give my kids as much information as they need in order to prepare them for the future, no matter what path they choose.
Will you teach your kids to wait until marriage? Does teaching kids to save themselves for marriage work?
Aja Dorsey Jackson is a freelance writer and public relations consultant in Baltimore, Maryland. Find out more about her at www.ajadorseyjackson.com or follow her on twitter @ajajackson.
C. Rogers says
Wow, what a shocking article. It shouldn’t be shocking because the majority of the world believes this. We can not be Christians and adopt the mindset of secular society. I’m confused that while “the Bible” will be taught, you totally destroy the foundational teaching of the Bible. One of the foundational teaching is that (all) sexual sin is an abomination to God. God is a God of grace and forgives, but should we continue to sin because we are under grace (Romans 6:15), and because everybody else is doing it. To answer your question, we are teaching our children not to have sex before marriage, that includes our two boys, ages 15 and 12 and our daughter 7. Either the Bible is all true or it isn’t. Do yourselves a favor and decide who you’ll serve and don’t self-soothe by bring parts of the Bible to the table that feel comfortable to you. I suggest you read a book called “Holy Sex” by Terry Wier. Part of the problem is that most of us adults still don’t know why we shouldn’t have sex outside of marriage. This book is VERY deep, and will explain things you’ve never heard of before. Go over this book with her, we did with our son. I understand your frustration, we live in a world that is sexualizing our elementary-aged girls with “sexy underwear” and make up. Sometimes it’s easier to give in than to find the strength to swim upstream, but it can be done. Find someone who’s doing it right, and learn from their example. Also, look up Voddie Bauchaum on Youtube. I hope this helps. Be encouraged. With a statistic of about 50-60% abortion rates in the African American community and 75% of African American children being raised by single parents, I’d hate for your daughter to be in THAT majority.
Javonjay76 says
So if your then 18year old daughter comes to you & say she wants to get married, will you say no or be happy that she waited until she was married? Did you wait? Do you remember what it’s like to be a teenager? Do you remember the emotions that are involved or are you so removed, scared, out of touch or so wrapped up in your image within the church that you don’t want to see reality of the world? What do you advise to a 17 year old that say “I have these feelings when I’m next to him & even though I try to ignore them there still there…” What can you offer that will sink in & over ride those emotions …
dj24 says
I agree with C.Rogers. Although there are “alternatives”, that doesn’t mean you waver on your beliefs. Either you stand for something or you fall for anything. It’s our job as parents/mentors to guide, teach and direct our youth in what we believe to be true. True to ourselves, our beliefs and our Lord. We may fall. We will fall. But it has to start with a plan, a direction.. – And for the 17 year old that says, “I have these feelings…”, as do we all, but again… what are you standing for? We have all been there. “Feelings”/temptation can get you in trouble if you don’t manage them properly.
dj24 says
I agree with C.Rogers. Although there are “alternatives”, that doesn’t mean you waver on your beliefs. Either you stand for something or you fall for anything. It’s our job as parents/mentors to guide, teach and direct our youth in what we believe to be true. True to ourselves, our beliefs and our Lord. We may fall. We will fall. But it has to start with a plan, a direction.. – And for the 17 year old that says, “I have these feelings…”, as do we all, but again… what are you standing for? We have all been there. “Feelings”/temptation can get you in trouble if you don’t manage them properly.
dj24 says
I agree with C.Rogers. Although there are “alternatives”, that doesn’t mean you waver on your beliefs. Either you stand for something or you fall for anything. It’s our job as parents/mentors to guide, teach and direct our youth in what we believe to be true. True to ourselves, our beliefs and our Lord. We may fall. We will fall. But it has to start with a plan, a direction.. – And for the 17 year old that says, “I have these feelings…”, as do we all, but again… what are you standing for? We have all been there. “Feelings”/temptation can get you in trouble if you don’t manage them properly.
Ashleigh L.A. says
I applaud you. It’s been proven time and time again that abstinence only isn’t full proof. Teaching teens about birth control is very important and so is teaching them to abstain. Contrary to popular belief, teaching kids about birth control isn’t going to make them go out there and go wild. My mom told me that she’d rather me remain abstinent but she also told me what my options were should I chose to do the opposite. I remained a virgin until I was almost 20 years old. I don’t regret my choice. I’m just glad I was informed enough to take care of myself. Many aren’t that lucky. Simply having sex isn’t the cause of high abortion rates, unintended pregnancies and diseases. Irresponsibility is at the root b/c all are preventable.
offdachain says
If simply having sex isn’t the cause of high abortion rates, unintended pregnancies and diseases….
How would they happen if not for sex?
Outtadabox says
We are raising the bar in our family. If you want what everyone else has, do what everyone else is doing. We are teaching our children to wait until marriage and sharing how the benefits far outweigh the costs.
We have sought out parent mentors, who have been successful at modeling a Christian lifestyle for their children and more importantly, a disciplined, Christian heart. These parents HAVE raised children that waited.
The church today lacks power because of this type of mindset. Either you are in or you are out, you can’t 1/2 do Christianity.
Roger Madison says
I have witnessed the decline of moral values that has resulted in the frustration express by the author. We have reached a period in our social life where sexual activity among teenagers is little more than recreation. What accompanies this decline is lots of teenagers reaching adulthood with so much baggage (unwed pregnancies, STDs, deadbeat dads, single mothers) that the odds are stacked against a successful marriage.
A part of the problem lies in the statement of that author — ” …waiting for marriage to have sex requires commitment to something you truly believe in…. but I cant force them to take that teaching to heart. That is something they will need to do or their own.”
It seems to me that the primary responsibility of parents is to “teach our children something that WE truly believe in.” They watch to see if our actions match our words. They will value and follow what their parents live before them everyday. If we are fronting, faking, cheating, and “playing church” on Sunday, they will see through it. Then all the other messages they are being bombarded with will seem more “real.”
When did strong parents accept the “reality” of values we don’t believe in as the norm. When did we capitulate to “worldy values” with the statement, “… I can teach my children what I believe, but I cant force them to take that teaching to heart. That is something they will need to do or their own.” So, I guess they are raising themselves on their own. We are just bystanders giving advice they can take or leave. Especially if it doesn’t matter what path they choose.
Children learn about consequences in life if there are consequences in their child rearing experiences. We have to become the community values we want our children to embrace. We have to give them a reason to believe they will have happier, more devoted marriages if they wait. My children are married adults, college graduates, and have satisfying careers and obedient, disciplined children — with their first and only spouses. Yes, we taught them the values we learned and practiced from our Christian upbringing. Our daughter said to us recently, “You guys don’t know the pressure you put on us as children. It was HARD.” She is a Ph.D., married, with 2 children. I think she would agree that it was worth it.
I would recommend, that you don’t cave in to the values of the world. Teach your child what you “truly believe” and expect the best results. Your daughter will love you more for this position if this is what you truly believe. If it isn’t, then you won’t have much success trying to teach your child something you don’t believe.
Tiya says
I will be teaching my children to wait until marriage. I am also aware of the reality that they just might not, but as I am teaching them not to do other things, (drugs, failing in school etc.) no sex before marriage will be another. I will also share with them the dangers of teen pregnancy and catching std’s but I will aslo (just as my mother did) make them feel comfortable enough to come and talk to me when they are having those desires and feelings so we can talk about them. I don’t plan to beat them over the head, but their safety and well being will always be my top priority so I am going to always share what I know is best and right for them.
Lisa says
I agree with this entire article.
Look, for all of the black community’s talking about church, “Christian values,” morality, God, waiting until marriage, etc., we have ridiculously high rates of out-of-wedlock pregnancy and child birth, and like Aja said, there is a serious disconnect when all of these church-raised girls show up at age 20 and unmarried with babies.
(And don’t get me started on the young men who impregnate them…)
All of this talk is not working. We are not teaching kids a holistic way of thinking about sex and sexual choices by being honest with them that the feelings they are having are NORMAL, but they have a responsibility to protect their bodies and souls by making wise choices about sex.
Plenty of studies have shown that the people who wait longest to have sex are NOT the ones raised in the church or the ones that took virginity pledges. In fact, the more “religious” are usually the ones most likely to report earlier sexual behavior. The young men and women who were able to have open conversations with their parents about sex — pros and cons — without being told, “You will wait until marriage,” were the ones most likely to wait until they were mentally mature enough to handle their decision… and less likely to get pregnant.
It just seems like we are so erratic these days when it comes to religion. Every other word we say is God/Jesus/the Lord/etc., but our behavior shows otherwise. But then, when it’s time to demand accountability for our behavior, then it becomes, “Don’t judge me.”
Anyway, good article Aja. Because what we are doing now is clearly NOT working.
offdachain says
So Lisa…
What in your opinion is the solution?
Ronnie_BMWK says
Oh my goodness Aja…I totally feel your pain as a parent myself. I am now preparing myself to have a talk with my 8 year old daughter..so this post is timely. I think that the kids should be aware of the consequences and dangers that are out there when it comes to having sex. However, we should not stray from what the word says either.
I am so happy for this post and all of the encouraging comments from everybody above.
Husband "X" says
First of all, I want to applaud the author for taking a stand, being real and posting a blog which I am sure she knew would be controversial, and produce strong contrary views. That took guts, and is something that is not seen very often on this site, and thus is a much needed breath of fresh air. KUDOS Ms. Jackson!
This debate is certainly not a new one, and always produces strong reactions. My view is one very similar to the authors. I am an disciple of the lord Jesus Christ. I have taught all of my kids that sex before marriage is wrong. My three teenagers have not had sex, and are very comfortable talking with me and my wife regarding their relationships. However, I will NOT let a momentary indiscretion or lack of judgment, or overwhelming hormones hinder or destroy my childrens future. I am not capable of monitoring their every interaction. Therefore, we have educated them on how to have safe sex, and made sure that they have access to protection. We have demonstrated a 20 year marriage of utter and complete monogamy and devotion to God. However my children have not decided to be disciples of Jesus YET! They have to follow their own path and come to their convictions in their own time. While we as parents demonstrate our convictions constantly, we do not FORCE our convictions upon them. With the exception of my youngest teen, they are 18 or over and are legal adults, capable of making their own decisions.
I firmly believe that for the most part we as a culture have turned a blind eye to the reality of teen sexuality, and this is the main reason for the state that we are now in with regards to STDs and unwanted pregnancy. We deny that our children will be subject to very real temptations, and then are devastated when they have given in to those temptations. It simply doesnt have to be this way.
My hope for my kids is that they will continue to follow a path of abstinence until they are married, but my RESPONSIBILITY as a parent is to teach my children to be responsible adults as well! There is room for both teaching our children to follow the bible, and teaching them how to protect themselves and their futures, at the same time. I think of it this way, would you NOT teach your children how to defend themselves, in the hopes that they never got into a fight? I have taught all my children that fighting is wrong, and to walk away from altercations, but if I have also taught my children HOW to fight so that they will be able to defend themselves. To me this all falls under the heading of simple common sense.
Great blog Ms. Jackson and please continue to be fearless in espousing your convictions
“Xâ€
Aja Dorsey Jackson says
Thank you all for your comments. This is always a heated debate. It is slightly disheartening that people question my values as a Christian because I choose to make my children well educated about the topic of sex. As I said, I do plan to teach my child that waiting is what God wants. I do believe that living a Christian life in front of my children is vital to their success. However I feel like bringing up the topic of sex and refusing to talk about birth control is just like saying “don’t drink” and refusing to talk about drinking and driving because if they drink, well, they might as well die.
The truth is that with the prevalence of HIV, pregnancy, abortion and all of the above, sex is not just a mistake, it can be life-changing or even deadly if you are unprotected. I set the standard just like I do with anything else involving my children, but the truth is that all of us have fallen short. We are of God but we live in this world and I refuse to release my children into this world without the knowledge that they need to survive in it.
Husband "X" says
AMEN!
Outtadabox says
“As I said, I do plan to teach my child that waiting is what God wants.” This was not clearly stated in your article and the title “I Wont Teach My Kids To Say No To Sex” made it very clear what your approach is on the subject and your values regarding the topic.
The question asked was “Will you teach your kids to wait until marriage?” Teaching them to wait until marriage does not mean you bury your head in the sand and not discuss sex. I recommend the book “How to Talk Confidently with Your Child about Sex”, from the Learning about Sex for the Christian family series.
Aja Dorsey Jackson says
“Because we are raising our children to be Christians, in any situation that comes up I talk to my kids about what the Bible says, and what we believe God wants for us.”
I thought that I did state this. Sorry that it was not made more clear.
Abel Lewis says
I’m not having sex until marriage.
Aja Dorsey Jackson says
“Because we are raising our children to be Christians, in any situation that comes up I talk to my kids about what the Bible says, and what we believe God wants for us.”
I thought that I did state this. Sorry that it was not made more clear.
Ronnie_BMWK says
thanks for that book…I have been looking for one. i will be looking into that series
Editor says
My parents taught me to wait until I am married. They also taught me discipline. Today I am a 24 year old virgin and magazine owner http://www.genesis-mag.com! No it is not easy, that is why it is called sacrifice. That is why Christ said pick up your cross and follow me. I am so grateful I had parents who honored God’s word and didn’t give me an excuse like “Well you prob won’t wait anyways so here are some condoms”. Whewww….. If that was what I was taught I would be on back right now…..having safe sex of course. Safe from disease but not the emotional attachment and scars that I would now have from every man who released in me. Yes I am sexually inexperienced but I have NO SOUL TIES and I look forward to my husband teaching me! I was taught discipline in EVERY area of my life. This post makes me want to send my parents a card!
Brittany NO EXCUSES, THE WORD SAID IT BELIEVE IT Earls
Ashleigh L.A. says
I don’t think the author was saying she would provide them with birth control. I wish people would abandon this belief that teaching kids about what to do should they choose to have sex is encouraging them to do so. Contrary to popular belief, it isn’t just the “fast” kids getting pregnant and diseased.
Editor says
God said it and I believe it. I am never abandoning HIS beliefs……and I will continue to be blessed for it. But do you! Everyone on this post and in this world has to “do you” and raise their family according to the standards they choose rather it be high or low or in between. We all have to account for our actions before God on judgement day maybe he will understand when you say “But God everyone is doing it I was just teaching them what to do should they choose to have sex”. I guess that’s the part where He says well done, that’s EXACTLY what I meant when I said train up a child in the way they should go and pat you on the back!
C. Rogers says
Great conversations, I’m glad we can converse intelligently about this topic. I don’t want anyone to feel like I’m questioning your values as a Christian, it certainly doesn’t hurt to “work out our own salvation with fear and trembling”. But, one thing that is not being addressed is this…after you all teach how to use condoms, etc. When do you teach them about how to protect their hearts after it is broken, or when they begin having thoughts and tendencies that they’ve never had before as a result of “sexual-spiritual ties”? Sex is deeper than relieving a God-given desire in or out of the context of marriage it is a spiritual connection with a human being that will last forever. I’m certainly not blind to the fact that my children may choose differently than what we taught, they have free will. God created it, it is a beautiful gift, what is done with that gift is the question we will all answer one day. Be encouraged. Don’t give up the fight!
Amber says
That’s where prayer comes in. If that should happen, I’ll teach my daugher to pray that God restores her heart and returns her “soul pieces,” as I’ve always called them. I will teach my daughter the power of prayer b/c I know that it can change things and that God is a gracious and forgiving God who wants the best for his children.
These are questions that should also be answered by those whose opinions align with yours. You don’t have to have sex to have a broken heart or to be affected by a transference of spirits. I imagine that the dialogue would be similar to what you would tell your child.
TheMrs says
Great topic. I have chosen to go the same route with my children. My parents said don’t have sex until you are married and that was the end of the discussion, never heard about the feelings that I would have as a teen(or younger depending on when puberty sets in for an individual). I followed it for a bit but I am human and had pre-marital sex that I beat myself up over but didn’t know why I was so upset about the decision…nearly 2 decades later we are still together but that doesn’t happen in most cases. I am teaching my children to wait and it is God’s plan for them but I am also teaching them about the feelings that they will have, if they do decided to have pre-marital sex that they need to protect themselves, and that they can come to their parents to talk about anything. Although I am a practicing Christian, my children have not completely gotten to their own spiritual enlightenment yet and so their convictions to follow the word are not the same as mine.
blessed&favored says
Great Topic Ms. Jackson! I rarely comment on these type message boards. However, I felt compelled to do so today! I grew up as a PK (preachers kid). I was taught having sex before marraige was wrong. No valid information given as into why, just that it was wrong and your were going to hell if you did it. End of DISCUSSION. Nevertheless, this method alone did nothing to prepare me or my sisters for the reality in life that we would face. However, this did not stop me from having sex before marraige and I also had other sisters that this did not stop as well. In fact two of them ended up with children before marraige. I am Christian woman that loves Christ with all of my heart. I don’t condone sex before marraige by any means. However, I do believe educating your children on the consequences behind their actions could be more beneficial. I have two children and it is my goal to try and create an enviroment where my children feel comfortable talking to myself or my husband about their issues. We have made ourselves available for them in ways that were not available for us. We try and teach our children the value of having self-respect. I can’t say that I have it all figured out…. I’m not sure it’s possible with things changing so rapidly. Being a parent is a Blessing from God that I don’t take lightly. I feel that it’s our duty as parents to be honest with our children and give them truthful facts. It’s okay to let them know of the areas that we struggled in as a teenagers. I believe that truthful example is what children are looking for. I believe that as Christians it has always been easier to paint a picture that everything is perfect and okay. We must educate our children on why God created sex and let them know that sex is a beautiful pleasure that God created for married couples to enjoy. We must cover our children daily with prayer and teach them God’s way on a level in which they can identify. Contrary, to what we teach our children we must understand that we are not the only influences in our children lives.
Miss P says
My my my! Great conversation! I am glad to see that there are some Christians without tunnel vision. Yes we know what the Bible says and what is ideal but the fact is that many of us have struggled in this area, myself included. I grew up going to church and singing in the choir but I still had sex at 15, and many other of my church peers did too. It would have been helpful if some of our parents would have been real and told us about the things they went through (especially the emotional consequences) by having sex before marriage. A lot of us got “Don’t do it!” and that was it. In my church we were also taught that masterbation was wrong, so what is a teen to do with that kind of frustration? Do you know how many nights I shamed myself for the feelings I was having, because I didn’t know that it was normal and natural? Even God gives us free will to decide, but to make a well informed decision you have to have all the options.
Reggie Williams says
The problem I always have with this conversation is it becomes so easy for folks to say “the church.” This is much bigger than the church, but let me address the church first.
The church isn’t a sectarian religious society as is painted in these arguments (you know – that building that folks attend every Sunday and go through the “Religious” traditions – attending for entertainment value). At the end of the day the church should be you (not speaking specifically to Aja – just in general). So what does “Your†church say and what doctrine are “You†your church following.
Now let me move beyond the church. Ok, take your daughter to get birth control. Make sure you teach her that no brother enters her without wrapping it up. We got that covered – she wont be a statistic of unwed mothers. But now explain to me, those who are having trouble with Gods doctrine, how do you protect your daughters heart from all the brothers who see her as just a piece? How do you protect her when shes given herself to him and he – just brought her a few nice gifts or took her to a few nice places? When hes gone he, if he wants, can get back everything he brought or just chalk it up as an investment into his conquest. But your daughter, she cant get back what was given to him and now she carries the weight of her self-esteem being tramped on. Just wondering if birth control and a rubber will protect her from those dynamics.
Theres a reason that Gods doctrine calls for abstinence and birth control pill and rubbers do not supersede His doctrine. God expects you to teach His principles using everyday circumstances to bring his ordinances to life – you know kinda like Jesus taught using parables.
So yes, give your daughter/son some birth control.
Birth control: take your child to visit an HIV/Aids clinic. Have someone with the disease discuss the trials of their life with your child.
Some more birth control – have your child visit an abortion clinic to get a feel of the trauma that goes on there.
Some more birth control – have your child speak with a young child who has a child or children and have them share with your child what life is like for them with child. Also have them speak with an adult whose life has been severely altered because of the bad decision of pre-marital sex.
Some more birth control – how about your child having a conversation with a child born to a teen mother with no father around.
Some more birth control – how about finding a older woman – no children – no diseases, but bitter as hell because she has given herself to some brother(s) not worthy of her gift. Tell your daughter to ask her about the thought of abstinence.
Some more birth control – how about having your daughter speak with a women, now living a celibate life. Maybe she can shed some light on why shes chosen to be celibate.
Some more birth control – how about finding a community of like minded children (some like a church – a body of believers) so that they provide pillars of support for each other.
Again, not directing anything at Aja, but I believe so many folks want to challenge Gods doctrine because they choose against being radical enough to first, understand his teaching and then properly apply these teaching.
The conviction of my feelings come from having two children out-of-wedlock, having a grandchild out-of-wedlock. What I wasnt able to give to my first two children I have to my youngest child and this is done because of what you sees in our actions in terms of us sharing with her some of those birth control methods I discussed earlier.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
Aja says
I agree with your post Reggie. My point is not to say that what God teaches is wrong. My point is to say that telling your kids “don’t do it because God said don’t do it” is not enough. I am a product of that teaching and it didn’t work well for me. The conversation needs to be more well rounded than that.
One thing I will say, that even in religious teaching, all teachings about sexual responsibility, whether it is abstinence or birth control, seems to be directed at women. I don’t think we can continue leaving young men out of the conversation. I think that’s one reason that we have so many of theissues that we have now.
Reggie Williams says
I agree with you on the teaching being directed at women. And in responding to your post, it was the pretty young lady that I saw as I wrote so I wrote as if she was the subject of my response.
I am one who address the issue with the brothers. As a matter fact as I was writing this response I was booked to speak to a group of young men about this very issue.
And as it relates to the religious teaching, that was my point when I said folks are members and not disciplines (maybe I didn’t say that) attending church 4 entertainment rather than spiritual enlightenment.
The teaching by the said Christians is often wrong. Now if I can let’s take David and Bathsheba. People often speak of her in somewhat negative terms b/c she slept with the King. But the truth the moral authority was solely on David because he was the King. Because he was the king by law her refusing him could have meant she would be put to death. Most teaching will talk about everything except David not adhearing to a moral authority. They’ll said he sin, but won’t ever heard it said that he took advantage of her.
So yes Aja, we (men) have a moral responsibility to teach this young males what their true responsibilities are.
Thanks for the dialogue
Sudler81 says
Reggie, I would love to hear what you would to say to the young men in that situation. I am the mother of a teenager and a preteen. I am the product of a young mother, single parent home. I have been talking to my son about these very things but I am not a man and can only provide my personal as well as biblical persepctive.
Sudler81 says
Reggie, I would love to hear what you would to say to the young men in that situation. I am the mother of a teenager and a preteen. I am the product of a young mother, single parent home. I have been talking to my son about these very things but I am not a man and can only provide my personal as well as biblical persepctive.
MommieDearest says
Reggie, your statement about David and Bathsheba is spot-on! I remember sitting in Bible Study years ago when we were studying the life of David. When we were discussing this episode, I brought up the exact same thing you did- that Bathsheba really had no choice in the matter because David was the KING. She couldn’t say no. Everybody looked at me like I had sprouted a second head. Undeterred, I then went on to say that it was unfair to say that David sinned AGAINST Uriah (Bathsheba’s husband whom he had murdered) and then say David sinned WITH Bathsheba, implying the she consented- again, she had no choice but to do what the KING wanted. Everybody looked at me like I had sprouted a third head. One of the main problems in the church, as in society in general, is that the onus is unfairly placed on women when it comes to sex. As a Christian and the mother of a young son, this concerns me. Anyway, I’m just happy to see a man that “gets it.”
mochazina says
I think this post fell victim to the “catch you eye” title. 🙂 I agree that “Just say no” is not enough, but we always teach “Just say no” to all the kids in our lives COUPLED with the rest of the practical info. You’re right that “just say no” by itself is not enough, but we believe that as Christians it is still the best, so it’s emphasized within a broader “curriculum”.
Erica Day says
I think people are reacting to the title of the article, and not what was actually said. That said, I wholeheartedly agree with Reggie’s post!
Chrissy says
Im so glad to finally read an article on here that preaches real talk and not fantasy land teaching (not to say your religious beliefs are fantasy). MOST people and probably all the people who are so holy on this cite will not be virgins when they marry. That is the REALITY of it. And I bet your parents weren’t virgins either. We have got to stop with all this, “just say no” that does not work, especially when it’s directed at only women. Im so glad to finally read an article that addresses this real issue instead of turning a blind eye to it. The black community really needs to get it together, stop being blind, and hypocrites.
Leharlley says
I never comment but thought I perhaps could add my two pence. Perhaps instead of the focus solely being on what to tell your children about sex how about creating a bond with them. Having a closeness with them so they respect you and your values. Yes you are right at a young age we may not understand the importance of waiting but if your child respects your values and admires you she will trust that there is a lot of truth to what you believe to be true about sex and the sacredness of the act. I am very close to my mum and growing up I was always open with her about guys I liked, guys I dated and even what we did on dates, including whether or not I made out with the guy etc. She always taught me the importance of sex within marriage but apart from that she made me feel that i could always be open with her and God and equally importantly to value myself. I remember one time I told her I was considering sleeping with my boyfriend, she told me that I knew what God wanted but at the very least to wait a while and pray on it, sure enough within a month the relationship ended. I’m glad I took her advice. And now I’m in my early twenties and convinced more than ever that its worth the wait. All this to say just get to know your children and let them get to know you and trust you. Sex can never be boxed up into one conversation with a presentation of the bible and protection as the two options. Hope it helps.
FirstladyShonda says
This is a serious topic. I have very strong opinions on this. I have two boys and a daughter. I believe that one should wait until they are married before sex. This is even more important in the days we are living in. AIDS is spreading, kids are being raise by grandparents, and teenage pregancy is growing rapidly. We have to teach our kids to be leaders and not followers. Yes, educate them on sex and how it can complicate and even end their lives. Explain how sex should be done in an appropriate manner. Explain how sex is not what they see on t.v. or what they see friends doing. Teach them how to value their bodies and how it is their temple. There are so many things we can teach our kids about sex. Instead of, ” if you slip up here is a condom.” Some parents feel like if they tell their kids these things, they will be afraid to talk to them. If you do it in an open and calm manner, they will talk to you. But, there is a time to be a parent and a time to be a friend. My mother was both and I hope that I can be the same to my kids. http://www.lashondanicole.blogspot.com
Editor says
I think everyone on this post should parent their children in whatever way they can look God in the eye on judgemnet day and stand by their decision to His face!!! AND YOU WILL HAVE TO ACCOUNT FOR ALL CHOICES TO HIS FACE! So if you can comfortably and confidently look God in His face and say “Lord I know what your word says BUT my kids grew up in 2011 and your word does not outweigh the realism of the world. I taught my kids according to the world’s standard because it seemed easier and safer. I did hint to them that marriage is best but I also told them about and provided them birth control, condoms etc and told them that if they choose to have sex and go against your word, just be safe about it. I have no regrets about this Lord, BTW you should really update your word to 2011 world standards. Great, glad we had that talk!” Yall keep doing you…..God is going to do HIM!
Aja says
Thank you for your words. I think everyone will also have to remember this:
1 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
Peace.
Unmarried Young Chick says
It seems like everyone is pretty much saying the same thing. That while teaching abstinence alone is the ideal, you can’t just tell your children don’t have sex and leave it at that. One has to explain exactly why abstaining is the ideal and the consequences of it. I know that all the parents here would prefer that their children abstain and follow God’s ideal, but the reality is they have no control over what their children may do in the long run; all they can do is prepare the ground and hope the seed of what they are teaching take root. I can understand their desire to arm their children the best way they, I feel the best route would be for the parents to speak to their children bluntly about sex and always be prepared to listen and answer the questions (build relationship where your child can come to you for anything). FINALLY I think the most important thing a parent can do is help their child have an active prayerful relationship with God; and also for the parent to pray for their children daily, so that God can guide them in their daily lives.
Ruby Griffin says
Having a sex conversation with your children’s is great…hand off until wedding night is even greater.but,wake up,it’s not all about us,what we want,we have our talk,and hope they listen,what important is bonding with your children’s,that they feel love,and that they trust y’all enough to be comfortable,with you to just talk,when they feel that they’re being pressure into something they not ready for…
Shansopink says
I WISH someone would have told me to “just say no” instead of arming me with information that made me feel like I knew it all and I could act as an adult responsibly. Someone on here mentioned hearts not being guarded. In all the information that was out there for me as a teen about sex, NONE of it mentioned my heart and how sex outside of marriage affects you emotionally and spiritually. I think that it is important to teach what the bible teaches about sex and not give into the teachings of this world.
Javonjay76 says
I applaud you for writing this article! As parents we need to be realistic about sex , take our heads out of the sand& stop thinking that just saying no is enough because as those church raised 16year old mothers demonstrated saying no isn’t enough!!!
Shonda_pee says
Kids need to be taught some self control. I am a Christian too and my husband and I do plan on teaching our kids not only what we believe but we will also be teaching them by example. We both waited for marriage and had more reasons than just our religion. There are so many different reasons to wait- as a woman speaking, I will teach my daughter about the emotional ties that occur when you become involved with someone on that level. I will teach her that the feelings she gets when she with her boyfriend are physiological responses- something she DOES NOT HAVE TO ACT ON. You can control your actions when it comes to being physical. I will tell my daugher that if she is really serious about this person, then there are OTHER THINGS BESIDES SEXUAL INTERCOURSE. Things that are safer and there not such serious consequences. I know she will want to do something with her boyfriend so I am by no means being unrealistic about this.