by Dr. Charles Alonzo Peters
“Before my wedding day, my grandmother gave me this piece of advice: “Child, always keep a little something in the bank that he don’t know about, just in case.”
This was the advice financial expert Michelle Singletary received from her grandma. Undoubtedly, many other grandmothers and mothers have said the same thing to their daughters. A woman, in their estimation, should always have some money set aside for herself.
Perhaps the advice originates from an era when men served as the primary breadwinners and wielded all the financial power. Opportunities for significant employment for women remained far and few between.
Yet, even today as women regularly out earn their male counterparts, the practice of tucking away a secret stash is surprisingly common. According to a 2008 ING survey, 37% of Black women claim to possess a “secret stash of money.”
But can we really blame them?
We live in an age popularized by the likes of Arnold Swartzenegger, Tiger Woods,and Newt Gingrich, where men often display as much self control as a bull in heat. With nearly half of all marriages ending in divorce, women are often left high and dry, penniless and broke in the aftermath. Stashing a war chest in case of the unthinkable seems like a wise decision.
Yet, doing so runs the risk of undermining the trust that is the bedrock of all marriages. Although Michelle Singletary was advised to keep a secret account, she never did.
“My grandmother had good intentions — but she was wrong … For the record, I never opened a secret bank account. I decided if I had enough faith in my man to marry him and trust him with my life, I was going to trust him with my money.”
For some wives, the secret fund may not even be about infidelity. The cash stash may serve as a security blanket or a rainy day fund to spend on goodies. Money secretly tucked away may even represent a way to ensure the financial stability of the marriage, a hedge against a financially inept spouse who might drive the family to financial ruin.
In the hit movie, Jumping the Broom, this is exactly what Angela Bassett’s character does by creating a secret stash that bails the family out after her husband’s serious mismanagement of the family finances.
Whatever the reason, it seems the secret money stash is here to stay.
BMWK family, do you agree with many grandmas the world over? Should a woman keep a secret stash? Do you know someone who does? Does it make sense with the high rate of infidelity? How about in the cases of a financially irresponsible spouse?
Every Monday you can find great insight and tips on managing your greenbacks by Dr. Charles Alonzo Peters of MochaMoney.com here on BlackandMarriedWithKids.com.
Shareef Jackson says
A secret stash is not ok, for the exact reasons that you stated – it’s no longer a day where the man is the sole breadwinner. Marriage is a contract, and a risk. it’s about trust and laying your financial cards on the table, amongst other things. If you don’t trust someone enough to do that, just leave.
TheMrs says
I do not agree with having a secret stash and was never told to keep one. However, I opened my first bank account at the age of 16 and have never closed it. We sat down and talked about what to do about our childhood accounts and decided to keep them active over the years, my work direct deposit has always been to this account and I transfer funds to our joint account while his entire check goes to the joint account. The decision came without any disagreement since he has children from 2 previous relationships and we never wanted to be stuck in the event that he was out of work for any reason and no lien for his obligation can touch it. In 2 yrs the children will reach adulthood and my childhood account will be closed.
Anonymous says
” For some wives, the secret fund may not even be about infidelity. The cash stash may serve as a security blanket or a rainy day fund to spend on goodies. Money secretly tucked away may even represent a way to ensure the financial stability of the marriage, a hedge against a financially inept spouse who might drive the family to financial ruin.”
I agree most with this statement. While I have a separate account that my husband knows about, I really don’t keep him abreast of the balance. This is an emergency account that I feel he would be more likely to spend on situations that are not true emergencies.
In general, I believe that each partner should have a separate account as well as a joint account for family obligations. But the personal account does not have to be secret.
Shareef Jackson says
I agree with the separate personal and joint accounts. That way I can freely spend a random tech thing without having to “check in”.
Kaneshavance says
I disagree. My mom told me the same advice. I never thought about putting away money. I have a personal account, but my hubby knows the money amount that is in there. With all the bills we have we couldnt afford for me to be putting away money from him.
If I feel like I need to stash money away from him, then I shouldn’t be with him.
Lisa Maria Carroll says
I, too, was raised like Michelle Singletary and told to “never let a man know everything you got.” Ironically, this advice came from the same women who taught me that I didn’t need a man. When it comes to advice that we received from our parents and grandparents, we should consider the motive behind it. Oftentimes, they freely doled out this advice because they didn’t want us to suffer the same demise that they did from a cheating or gambling mate. But, what they taught us is how to play a good defense instead of offense, so we go into the relationship pitted against our mate.
Instead of going into the relationship on opposing financial teams, couples need to communicate these fears and concerns through discussions about money. Prenuptial agreements, as well as, joint and individual bank accounts are much better ways to address these concerns. But you got to be willing to have the talk.
New wife/old mom says
I disagree… I don’t think there is anything wrong with spouses having joint checking and savings; in addition to, their own personal accounts (if they can afford to do so). Just because your spouse may blow money on frivolous things or make bad investments doesn’t mean he/she is not worthy of your love or the marriage for that matter. Some people just are bad with money!
To me this is where knowing your spouses strengths and weaknesses comes in. Someone in the marriage has to keep their wits financially. After the bills are paid, if he or she chooses to spend instead of save all should not be lost. Not to mention, with all the blended families sometimes separate accounts are needed. I definitely have a secret account and it is available for emergencies only!
Reggie Williams says
First I do not believe that a marriage (bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh) should ever keep a secret as a resident in that marriage. I believe secrets rob and destroy.
I do understand the advice given by Mrs. Singletary’s mother – living in a time when women were generally not accustomed to the financial security that they have earn present day, that advice may have been appropriate. And better yet I believe women of that time held the secret stash for the benefit of the family and not for selfish reasons.
For this story ultimately comes back to do you and your spouse “Run Your Marriage Like a Business,” because if you are engaging in properly planning more often than not you’ll find the honesty of preparation will prevent many problems.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
RaynaSybelle says
I agree that having a separate bank account could definitely ruin the trust in a relationship and I would avoid it at all costs -save a few reasons: a. he doesn’t control money very well, and b. if he has some obligatgions outside of the marriage (i.e. children, outstanding debt). Both circumstances could put a dent in the bank account -the latter example could possibly freeze the account altogether. However, even with those situations, I think there should be open communication. He should know how much money I have in those accounts.
Mentally Waivering says
Yes, I believe a woman should keep a secret stash. After 13 years of marriage, it is clear that my hubby is a spend thrift with very little respect for money and our future. He commonly says… I don’t plan on retiring. He believed his diabetes would keep him from having a family, now he believes he won’t live long enough to retire. Whenever, I bring up the subject, he gets irritated and upset. We can’t even get him life insurance because of his illness. So, while I do understand the above points, I must respectfully disagree and do what’s best to protect me and our children.
Reggie Williams says
Are you really keeping a secret stash? Your husband has communicated that he has no plan for the future, and I bet dollars to donuts that he knows you are putting away because of his belief.
http://www.ruleyourwife316.com
Mentally Waivering says
Well, it’s a good thing that I don’t eat donuts as you would lose all of yours. He has made the statement many times, and when pushed, he lightly refers to his suppose inheritance. I cant count on that; 1st of all, its not my parent and 2nd, I wont count on someones death for my future. Yes, I am keeping a stash and I’m sure he doesn’t know. It is a modest amount that I disguise as a monthly bill. I keep a monthly chart, and all the money seems accounted for each month.
Yana says
I don’t have one, but I am honestly on the fence about it as far as it being a right or wrong thing to have. I think I can see both sides of the argument for and against having one. In some relationships money might be a point of contention, in what is an otherwise good marriage, so yeah, for this question, as with most, there is no one size fits all answer……
Terrance Gaines says
If you would be heated to find out that your spouse had a SECRET stash that you didn’t know about (and you KNOW you would), maybe (just maybe) YOU shouldn’t have one that your spouse doesn’t know about.
Pretty simple, actually “Do unto others…”
Terrance Gaines says
If you would be heated to find out that your spouse had a SECRET stash that you didn’t know about (and you KNOW you would), maybe (just maybe) YOU shouldn’t have one that your spouse doesn’t know about.
Pretty simple, actually “Do unto others…”
Terrance Gaines says
If you would be heated to find out that your spouse had a SECRET stash that you didn’t know about (and you KNOW you would), maybe (just maybe) YOU shouldn’t have one that your spouse doesn’t know about.
Pretty simple, actually “Do unto others…”
Discussion King says
I dont know if I’ll support a ‘secret’ stash in my marriage.
However, I’m FOR whatever doesn’t hurt.. doesn’t abuse.. yet WORKS for someone’s relationship.
Rubygriffin36 says
Be honest “NO” but we do,some want admit it,but it’s a way of making us feel secure…just in case …
mspattymelt says
I know that no person in their right mind goes into a marriage wanting it to fail—-so to me keeping a “secret” stash is just that a way of admitting that you know that it will not last? If you have any shadow of a doubt I don t care if you are at the alter and the minister is asking you “do you take this person……” DONT DO IT! Marriage is a total committment between two people that claim they want to spend the rest of their life together. That is why it is so important to get to know your partner before you say I DO. Couples need to discuss finances, how many children they pray to be blessed with, how to pay the bills and so on and on. In today s society we are so caught up in the supervicial that we cant see the “real” picture. If you start to keep a “secret” stash today what other sercrets are you going to have along the way?
Mentally Waivering says
If life was a bowl of roses and all the lights were green…then I can
see how not stashing would be best. But that’s not the case. Many people
get married before the conversations are had…so telling them what
they “should” have done falls on deaf ears. Yes, I would love to share
everything with my spouse; and in the beginning I did. However, once is
was abundantly clear he is not a saver nor ever intends to be, I had to
make choices. This wasn’t a fly by night decision, we’ve been married
over 13 years. I just started secretly saving this year. Every time we started a
savings account together, he’d explain how “we must use the money…this
is important…we have no other choices”. Just saying “no” was not an
option. He basically leans on me and will make life unbearable to
refuse. Every time all of the savings was gone, he’d turn to his secret plan
B… go ask his parents for a loan/gift (without at least speaking with
me first). I got tired of the rolled eyes and hard hitting hints his
parent gave to say that they were “supporting” me..like he and our kids
weren’t in the picture. SO I made it clear to his parents in no
uncertain terms that I never knew anything about the cash flow until
their rude “hints”. Now I hear nothing from them…but I know he is
still on their monthly payout list. We have been to counselors;
christian, financial and psychological many times. Where do I draw a
line? Well this year I did, and I’m glad about it! The secret stash will help all of us, him
included, when the well runs dry. God forbid, if we ever breakup, me and
the kids will have a little cushion.
Look, the bottom line is really that no one can tell you how to live your life unless they have walked in your shoes. The best they can offer is advice. It is up to you to consider your options and make a decision based on yourown personal situation.
Martha A. Snowden says
IDK it seems to me we can all justify why we do things that we are aware are wrong and we can even make some really good arguments that most people will accept. The other side of that coin is that most people don’t have sound relationships nevermind marriages , most people do not operate in an honest and clear way. I think that first off in this day and age when people have access to untold amounts of information via the internet its rather short sighted to beleive if you get divorced this money won’t be found out, or if you talk about it on a blog it won’t be shown up in court and you would lose it anyway. Also, if you do not respect your mate then there is something to work on in the relationship, whether or not someone is ‘good’ with money and fiscal responsibility is not a reason to lie. If it was alright to keep money from your pouse it wouldn’t be so secret , the account would be in the open and they would know upfront that they have no access toi the money for whatever the reasons are.
There are ways to financially protect yourself and any children without being a liar or disrespecting your spouse.
Mentally Waivering says
Oh please Martha… My 401k has been deplete because I gave in to his never-ending whining. So yes, I gave in, but he whined for months! Have you ever have someone tell you over and over:
‘how you are blocking what God had for us? That as soon as they pay off their debt, they’d help you pay off yours. How using what’s in the account was for everybody’s betterment and that I’m being selfish for not helping out?’
Again I reiterate, do what’s best in your situation..and take advice with a grain of salt. At the end, it’s you who has to deal with the mess…not the message board folk. There is no answer that fits all. What works for some, doesn’t necessarily work for others. You have to live your life, learn and grow… how you grow isn’t always how someone else will…
TheImageCoach says
My mom was one who kept a secret stash – because my dad had a gambling problem. Not a “bad” one, where we were under threat of losing our home, but a problem none the less. I remember her telling me to always keep some money aside to ensure the house note, car note and utilities got paid and there would be food in the house. I do not have a secret stash – I DO however, have a separate bank account in my name only (primarily for my business) that my spouse knows about. I don’t have a problem with separate accounts for each spouse, plus a joint account that family finances are handled from. What I WOULD object to is finding out that my spouse was making dollars scream in our household while spending money frivolously on a hobby or God Forbid another relationship. That does not seem fair – to restrict the use of resources on one side while throwing them away on the other side. With so many marriages in trouble because of money issues, this is definately a subject to clear up and air out BEFORE the ceremony!
Mentally Waivering says
Oh lease Martha… My 401k has been deplete because I gave in to his neverending whining. So yes, I gave in, but he whined for months! Have you ever have someone tell you over and over how you are blocking what God had for us? Again I reiterate, do what’s best in your situation..and take advice with a grain of salt. At the end, it’s you who has to deal with the mess…not the message board folk!
Valariesgreen0603 says
it is wise to keep a stash elsewhere. I was told this, but my reply to everyone was not me. I’m gonna be married for ever. 10 months later, my husband was leaving for the 6th time to go back to his mom and unknown girlfriend. All gone..All I’d saved…gone, spent and taken. If God see fit for me to be with anyone again. I will have a stash