This guest post comes from the creator of one of our favorite blogs My Brown Baby, Denene Millner. It also deals with a topic we hold very dear to heart here on BMWK, Black Marriage. Check it out below.
By DENENE MILLNER
No less than five of my girlfriends sent me links yesterday to a New York Times story boasting a headline that made us all giddy: “Two-Parent Black Families Showing Gains.” It seems that the Census Bureau, in all its infinite bean counting, scratched up numbers showing that nearly 40% of black children in America now live with two parents, up from just 35% in 2004″”a phenomenal gain, indeed. I swear, my girls and I were doing virtual high-fives over the piece; you would have thought it said, “Black Love Is Possible””Throw Your Ring Fingers In the Air And Say It Like You Really Care: “˜I’s Married Now!'”
For sure, these new numbers are a cause for celebration, no?
Well not so fast.
While the story lauded the stats as evidence of “an emerging black middle class,” it went on to use demographers to throw hella shade on the significance of the shift. Maybe, one said, the number increased because we’re including immigrants. They may not really be married””just shacking, another said. Well, yet another boasted, it might be higher now, but wait until the economy hits them in the wallet””those numbers will drop quicker than you can say, “I want a divorce.”
Well damn. They sure know how to slay a buzz.
It seemed that every crazy scenario they tossed up explained away the obvious one staring us in the face””that maybe, just maybe, there’s a remote possibility that black people are, oh, I dunno, actually falling in love, getting married, and raising their babies together. Is that at all possible?
I’m certain it is. I actually wrote about it not too long ago for TheRoot.com, as my family celebrated my in-laws’ 50th wedding anniversary. In the piece, I noted that I’m surrounded by loving, stable, married folks who live in wedded bliss (or pretty darn close to it).
But if you don’t spend a whole lot of time around a community of thriving, happy black couples, you wouldn’t necessarily know this, now would you? I guess if your introduction to the concept of black matrimony is through statistical surveys and news stories about the vast numbers of unmarried black women in single-parent families””if that’s all you know the black community to have””then it would be hard for you to conjure up images of newly black married couples out there, huh?
Blame the media (I don’t say this lightly, seeing as I am the media). Because all you ever see on TV and in the newspapers and magazines is a constant barrage of negative images of us””this constant message that the inner-city black experience is the common every day experience of all black folks. That this is the status quo””the default. That anything different from the image of black folks as poor/unmarried,/just-off-welfare/still on parole/under-educated scourges on society is, for sure, an anomaly, unless you’re talking about O.J., R. Kelly, Kobe Bryant, Bobby and Whitney, or *insert any other successful, dysfunctional black celebrity you can think of and their failed attempts at healthy relationships here.*
I can see how conjuring up images that fall outside the default is difficult for a lot of people, especially if all you have to go by is the aforementioned madness. With that as an image, it’s kinda hard to envision two happy and functioning black people finding each other and actually standing up in front of their aunties and cousins and mamas and them and saying, “I do.”
Dig it: In my world? The default is a happy marriage. Not taking anything away from my girls who are single or who are raising their beautiful babies all by their strong selves; I’m surrounded by sisters who are doing a fine job of raising their kids by themselves, and certainly making us married folk realize that there’s more than one definition of “family.” But I’m also surrounded by happily married black people. So it’s really easy for me to think of those new Census Bureau stats in a the-glass-is-half-full kinda way””to imagine that an increase in the numbers of children being raised in two-parent households means more black people are getting married. Or at least on their way to the altar.
Imagine that.
For the demographers who dismiss the numbers: Take a good hard look at the picture up top. That’s black love.
We ain’t perfect, my Nick and I. But we’re trying””toiling in the trenches, doing our best to make this thing work.
That’s love. It has no color. And your explanations are no good here.
SingLikeSassy says
Cosigning on this (and I’m the media, too): Blame the media (I dont say this lightly, seeing as I am the media). Because all you ever see on TV and in the newspapers and magazines is a constant barrage of negative images of us—this constant message that the inner-city black experience is the common every day experience of all black folks. That this is the status quo—the default.
I think The Washington Post did try with its 2006 “Being a Black Man” series.
Veronica says
If we listened to the media for everything, we’d be totally convinced we’re all illiterate, drug- & AIDS-ridden, don’t know who our daddies are, jobless, uneducated, lazy–you name it. So, it’s no surprise that they turned around and tried to make excuses for the rise in black married couples (which is great). I found it amusing, myself.
The point is…screw the media. (Well, not *you* per se, SingLikeSassy, lol…) but who cares what they think? The black community needs to start focusing more on doing better for ourselves & being our own role models & inspiration–and not worrying so much about what others think about us.
But all that being said, BLACK LOVE ROCKS!!!
Judith M Mosley says
My husband were married in 1974. Our 33 year old son just got married in June 08. We have a great concern for the state of marriage in the Black community so we try to be the best example we can to the young marrieds we come in contact with. It has not been easy. We have had trouble, tragedy and turbulance, but we remain committed to ou faith and the concept of husband, wife and children. We had the picture before us of our parents. Mine were married 51 years when my father died. My in-laws were married 47 years when my father-in-law was murdered. I am encouraged by the statistics. It’s good news. I hope they continue to grow.
TheDad says
You know we’re strong supporters of Black Marriage and parenting here at BMWK and we’re elated to here those new statistics and not surprised at all to find someone trying to “make it rain” on the parade. If the numbers were down no one would be making excuses for it going that way.
Anyway along these same lines be on the lookout for a MAJOR announcement from us within the next few weeks about a nationwide initiative we’ll be launching. Keep checking back, we’ll release more details soon. And great article Denene.
Nubianlocs says
Maybe it’s Obama…lol
MyBrownBaby says
Veronica: I totally agree with you; we need to ignore the negativity from the media. But WE need to stop drinking the kool-aid. I can’t tell you how disappointed I am when WE attack black, married folk–by saying what we have doesn’t exist, or it’s a fairy tale. I’ve certainly heard my fair share of this (as an author of black relationship books). It’s kinda–no, very–sad when we buy into the hype. And all of us, whether married, single, with kids, or without, in good relationships or recovering from bad ones, need to stop it.
Thank you, BMWK, for posting this piece on your site; I’m so proud of you and your family for loving black love and fostering it in everything you do. And thanks, too, to your wonderful readers for understanding the outrage and fighting the good fight. You all are incredible.
Happy holidays!
Denene@MyBrownBaby
MyBrownBabys last blog post..WELCOME TO A COLOR STRUCK WORLD
Tyrone says
It’s great to actual read something positive about the black community. However, it seems we have been feed so much negativity so long we seem to always look for it even if we have the opposite. The media also helps foster this. But, if you look around you can see black love. I see it from my family but immediate and extended, and my friends. Also, I live it so I know it is real. I have been married for almost 8 years. I know at this point in time I am happy, my wife seems, acts and says she happy, the children seem to be happy and I use this as a reason to move forward in life and give my family the best I can provide.
The media in my oppinion tries to spake interest in what ever they are trying to convey. The controversy does this so be it sex, racial stereo type, etc so in turn they promote it.
The point of my comment is life is what you make it with the resourses that you have. We control our destiny. No oneelse should dictate how we live our lives. If we all do our part for our families then we know we are in the 45%.
On a different note, Great people come out of single parent homes too so don’t write them off because they could also take a positive chunk from the other 55%.
I am loving this site.