Strong husbands are desperately needed in marriages today. The stronger the husband the better chance a marriage has of surviving and thriving. At the same time, the weaker the husband the more challenging it is to have a great marriage. When I say strong, I am not talking about physical strength.
Addressing the challenges in manhood
A few years ago I began a study with a group of men at my church. The study was based upon a program called Men’s Fraternity by Robert Lewis. During the study, many manhood issues were discussed. One that stood out to me was a session called “The Four Faces of Manhood“, in which we learned and discussed the many “faces” which characterize who we are as men and how we make decisions. These same four faces also characterize husbands, and show why the strongest husbands (and marriages) need a man with all four faces.
What are the 4 faces?
Each face represents a different type of energy, or role, that husbands bring to marriage. The Leader, The Fighter, The Lover, and The Friend. All four are important, and must be present to provide balance in the marriage. When a husband leans too heavily on any one of them then problems can arise.
1. The Leader Face. This is the face that seeks to live right and assumes the leadership role in marriage. When a husband makes choices based on their values and morals, even in the face of pressure, you see this face at it’s best.
2. The Fighter Face. Protection, providing, persevering, and of course, fighting is what represents this face. When you see a husband show initiative and tackle challenges head on, or when you see a husband that just won’t quit no matter how tough it gets, you are seeing the fighter face.
3. The Lover Face. Our wives love this face. It brings out the tender side. The romantic. The affectionate side of a husband. Some great examples of this are opening doors, wrapping a blanket around her when she is cold, or giving a massage without regard to sex.
4. The Friend Face. This face brings trust, dependability, and fun to the marriage. Think back to the days when you were dating, and hanging out was so much fun. Think of the days when you first felt you could share deep thoughts and concerns. This represents the friend face best.
All 4 faces are good, unless…
As you look at each face, all four are great! Every husband should want all four faces, and every wife should want a husband with all four faces. The issues come when one or more of the faces are leaned on too much, or if one of the faces is missing altogether. This can happen intentionally or unintentionally.
What happens when husbands are out of balance?
What happens when a husband doesn’t have the Leader Face? The fighter in him may run wild without a moral compass to bring him under control.
When the Leader Face is present without the Lover Face, you have the potential of an abuse of authority as the head of marriage and household.
There are many men who have been raised by single mothers, and in the process may not have seen the fighter face. This sometimes leads to being soft, weak, or unable to make definitive decisions.
A husband who gives up his role as leader in the family, and marriage, may be the result of the Lover Face present without the Leader Face.
How to balance the 4 faces.
The first step in making positive change in any situation is to realize that there are differences, and how to recognize them. The next step is to begin making changes when needed.
Before I went through this class the fours faces never even occurred to me, let alone did I have a good perspective on them. Now, with knowledge and understanding of them it puts some of my actions and some of the things in our marriage in perspective. I can now recognize when my leader face is way overboard or missing completely. I can look at my wife and see that she needs the fighter in me to raise up, or the connection of her friend (me).
I won’t say that I am perfect in recognizing and making changes, but I see the benefits and I’m actively trying to do better. As all of us should, and our wives should help as they can.
Bring all 4 faces into your marriage
I encourage husbands to share this with your wives and maybe even one other married brother you trust. Discuss each face and how it is or can be represented in your marriage. Wives share this with your husband and begin to discuss what you both notice, and how you can help achieve the balance that is needed to make your husband even stronger in your marriage. And ultimately make your marriage stronger as well.
Men/Husbands, which of the four faces can you identify with most, and why?
Ladies/Wives, which of the four faces do you appreciate most in your husband, and why?
Why is it commonly argued now that men raised by single mothers aren’t strong men? In the black community given the lack of married household MOST men are raised by single mothers and therefore this can’t be true. IJS
That was not the claim made in this article. It said that the man raised by a single mother “may not have seen the fighter face.” Things that aren’t seen are not easily imitated, therefore those men are “sometimes weak.” Not all the times.
But given how often many men raised single mothers participate in perpetuating the cycle of producing single mothers, I’d venture to say that yes, they aren’t strong men.
Thanks Mochazina for sharing your thoughts. I like the way you said that, “things that aren’t seen are not easily imitated.” True as it becomes very difficult to model something we have not seen in action.
You are correct Aftaan. Not all men raised by single mothers are “weak.” And not all “weak” men were raised by single mothers. The argument in the post is having too much or too little of any of the faces may bring some challenges to a husband and marriage…no matter the cause of being weak or abusing authority. Thanks for bringing that up!
Thank you for this. This was an awakening for me.
My pleasure! That is encouraging to hear…thanks for sharing!
Great article!
I have to say I appreciate all four faces and my husband balances them all well for the most but could use a little tweaking with the friend face. For me there is nothing like the fighter face. Seeing my husband not quit under any circumstance makes me a very proud wife!
Thanks Court! Fist bump to your husband for representing all of the faces!
Lovely article. I never knew this and it has elightened me. I am going to give this article to my husband. He will now understand why I always say that I’m greatful to God for the man he is. He fulfills me in every area. Now I know why I am so content with him.
That is awesome Boipelo! Thx for sharing.
Awesome article! I absolutely need all 4 faces in my husband. Each are equally important.
Thanks Tiya! I appreciate you commenting. 🙂
My fiance and I read this article last night and we both agreed that he has all 4 faces and that there is ALWAYS room for improvement. I look forward to see how he embraces each one and blossoms in our marriage. Only 23 more days to go!
That is awesome, reading together and sharing as you prepare for marriage. CONGRATS 23 days in advance! 🙂 By continuing to do things like that you are well on your way to a great marriage!
Good article! I like how it brings to light some of the challenges that are often hidden in many a man! The key point as well is the need for ‘balance’. Well written and a great discussion point. Being one that was raised by a single mother, I can see either an abundance or a shortage of each of the faces in myself…and the constant challenge in being a good man, husband and father (that many may not see) is the ongoing fight to maintain a balance. It is a commitment.. I think men in general get a bad rap because these things are often misunderstood and very much downplayed or minimized as excuses for poor ‘performance’ as a man. Thanks for explaining and bringing this to the front.
My pleasure Terry! You are right, it is a commitment, but one that all of us can do. It helps we understand what is going on as well as our spouses and others. Thanks for sharing!
This was good, now, is there an article that discusses the 4 faces of a wife?Thanks….
Thanks Gerry! And great idea! Maybe the BMWK family can discuss the wife’s 4 faces soon.
That was AWESOME! This article is a keeper. I was in a marriage that was not balanced. The Fighter was there but not the leader or lover. Geesh, it was rough. I put my stamp of approval through (experience) that this article is in fact the TRUTH!
Thank you Aundrea! Sounds like you have 1st hand experience. Please share this article and your story. It may be a blessing to other marriages.
This was an awesome article!!! Although I am a wife, I felt the article touched on areas that has affected my marriage tremendously. I seek to share with my husband before its too late. I will add you on facebook. Thanks again!!!
I appreciate your comment Josee! Yes, go ahead and do the Facebook add. Hopefully by you sharing the info in this article you can have some good, fruitful conversations. I am believing it to happen!
Awesome, TRUE and simply put!!!
Thanks suggal!
What a GREAT article! Being new in marriage (just at 8 months) I am still learning to encourage each face my hubby shows and to show him appreciation. It is difficult but I am grateful to see and understand these varying but necessary faces!
Awesome and thanks LaWanda! It helps us stay on point when we receive that type encouragement from our wives. Fist bump to your husband and high-5 to you for the encouragement! 🙂
I found this article enlightening as well as others here. I must admit, I tend to side with Aftaan or confess my confusion regarding the “single mother syndrome.” I was thinking that boys would see the “fighter” face more often from their single parent. Everything you describe as “fighter face” is what single parents do. Just thought I throw it out there for clarification. I will also share with my husband.
Thanks for sharing MrsFit45! 🙂 I am thinking the “single mother syndrome”/”fighter face” may a good subject for a future article. I would love to have many more BMWK readers weigh on. Make sure you check for that in the future, and share your comments. Hopefully we can have some good healthy discussions, that may bring some clarification.
I found this really interesting. Thanks for sharing!
This was great. I will be sharing 🙂