Over the weekend, my friend–let’s call him Jackson–sent me a text message to ask me what I was doing. I had turned down a dinner date earlier in the afternoon and wasn’t doing much of anything. Since I’m not into to texting an entire conversation, I picked up the telephone.
Jackson couldn’t understand why I didn’t go out when I didn’t have my daughter. I explained that I was relaxing, enjoying my time watching a television show that didn’t star Dora or Doc McStuffins. Jackson mentioned possibly hanging out with a woman who was his perfect marriage match, but who would never be his future fiancée. The deal breaker? She was a mom.
No matter how sexy, how smart or how fun, she would never receive a ring–at least not from Jackson. I respected his opinion. Heck, I held the same one when I was in my twenties, single with only one mouth to feed–my own! But I didn’t respect his approach. I told him he should not date a woman with kids if he would never marry her.
Obviously, there are numerous factors that determine selecting your spouse. And sometimes you have to fish a few ponds before reeling in a winner. Nonetheless, I thought Jackson should put away his pole if he didn’t want to catch a family. We then went back-and-forth.
Point
Jackson: The hesitation for not wanting to marry a woman with children is the fear of the phrase,”You’re not my daddy!” Nothing will make me feel as powerless as a six-year-old telling me that. When you have children together, those things like that do not come out of their mouths. Besides, I will never be number one in the mom’s life. Kids come first.
Counterpoint
Me: Whoever I marry will be my daughter’s stepfather, and she will be taught to respect him and listen to him as he would be a main caregiver. Although I won’t allow another man to spank her, I will allow him to discipline her in other ways with my input. We would teach the same to our own biological children. I wouldn’t marry a man who doesn’t love my daughter dearly. We’re a package deal! As far as ranking your loved ones, that doesn’t occur. I have a special bond with my daughter. She comes first, but that doesn’t mean my husband will get leftover love. My heart is big, and there’s room for lots of people. Just like a house, it has many doors and I have copies of the keys to hand out!
Point
Jackson: A bigger factor for hesitating to date a woman with a child is the fact that you are setting yourself up to marry not only the mother of the child, but the father too. That man will be around forever. If the parents do not have a good relationship, you’re stuck with that problem forever! I dated a mom before whose baby’s dad and father would argue about who I was and if I was good enough to be around their child. He also told her that he missed her.
Counterpoint
Me: There is no need for my daughter’s dad to interact with my future husband beyond cordial exchanges at birthday parties and school plays. Of course, I would love for the two men to get along, but if they don’t like one another, they don’t have to deal with each other. If the father is an uncooperative person, the mother should set boundaries. Communicate via email. Keep the conversations centered on the child. Agree to disagree. Remember, you cannot control what happens under the father’s roof–unless it is harmful of course–or what comes out of the father’s mouth. You are in charge of your own happiness. I’m not cheating with my ex just because we have a child together!
I agree with Jackson. I am married to a man with kids, & I love him. While I do think you shouldn’t date a woman with kids if you don’t want to marry a woman with kids, that part is true. All of Jackson’s points are true. Being with someone with a child is NOT like being with a single person. & if your child comes before your spouse, it’ll never work. God’s way is that your spouse is the most important person in the world to you. Children grow up, move out & move on. Then all you have left is your spouse. Always protect & provide for your child, of course, but husband is first in my book. This was easier before it became so common to have kids before marriage or to divorce. Now the guilt makes people feel like they have to make the spouse second to their children, and it causes even more divorce.
I think the focus shouldn’t be on telling men or women to date people that already have kids but to focus on ending this endless cycle of unwed mother/fatherhood and divorce. Marriage is hard enough wihtout having to deal with a child from a previous relationship. The LEAST of your worries is the phrase “you’re not my daddy/mommy”. Trust and believe. If that’s all I had to worry about, marriage would be a walk in the park!
Can you provide that Bible verse that states that a person should put their spouse above their child? I’ve often heard people refer to this, but wonder what the scripture says exactly. I’ve read verses on the husband being the head of the household, a wife submitting to her husband and a woman being created for a man.
I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, but like to see it in black & white and not leave things up to interpretation. Obviously, when you marry–according to the Word–the husband and wife become one. I agree–always protect and provide for your child. There’s no need to weigh who you love more. I think you love in lots of different ways.
Amen
I had two sons of my own before I married my husband 3 years ago. I personally did not stay in a relationship if I didn’t feel it would lead to marriage. I didn’t introduce my sons to any man. I was careful because I didn’t want them to get attached to someone who wouldn’t stick around. I’m thankful that my situation was a little less complicated. Their father has not been in their lives in almost 9 years (They’re 10 and 9 now so you can do the math). My husband was the only father they’ve known, so we gelled as a family very well.
I will say that I agree with the previous poster that in a marriage, your spouse should come first. The boys understand that my husband is their father and even call him “dad”. I even agree with him spanking them, but only because they were able to form a bond first. They understand that any discipline he gives is out of love for them. We now have a son of our own and another on the way, and our family is seamless! No child is treated differently than the other. True love and committment is possible for the single mother, as long as she is NOT willing to settle or comprise and she trusts God to bring the mate. I’m a living witness that this is true!
That’s an article topic right there! There is a big divide on whether or not you should let a step parent physically punish your children.
Great Article Heather! It’s a complicated subject with no right or wrong answer. At the end of the day, every one has their preference and you have to respect that. If you don’t want a ready made family…that is cool and there is nothing wrong with that. Not everyone is cut-out to be or wants to be a step-parent or in a blended family. It is both challenging and rewarding. HOWEVER….I do think that Jackson is limiting himself. He is just focusing on stereotypes …and the negative ones at that. Not all women with kids have drama with their exes.. And there are sooooo many wonderful women out there that have children (you are an excellent example of one.)
Yes! And he continues to email me about the lack of good women. Oh, Jackson! lol
Awww, thank you, just saw that nice compliment:)
Jackson needs to watch “Men Ain’t Boys.” (I’m sure Ronnie and Lamar can share how he can get a copy.) The DVD has a great example of a father and stepfather getting along, for the sake of the child. Sounds like he needs to see the side of dating a woman with children that doesn’t include drama.
I am a single mom but haven’t dated a man with children yet. I’m open to dating both & It’s funny how a lot of guys automatically think about the “crazy babydaddy”. My daughter’s father isn’t present & hasn’t been active in my daughter’s life for over a year now. What I drew from “Jackson’s” conversation was that he wants to “lay up” & sees the child as a block for that. A REAL man honors God & knows it isn’t about late nights & early mornings. As a woman living a Christian lifestyle I’m now celibate & know not to entertain men who want to sleep over because they aren’t interested in anything serious anyway. Their goal is to get what they want from you but won’t even be man enough to tell you they aren’t looking for a wife. So they leave you broken & go on to another woman without a second thought.
I don’t have a problem with Jackson not wanting to marry a woman with kids. My issue is that he will DATE a woman with kids knowing full well that he has no intention of marrying her. The deception bothers me. He needs to let the woman know UP FRONT that he is not interested in marriage. If she’s cool with it, then great. If she’s not, then she has the choice to cut him loose and move on.
@MommieDearest….I’m with you.
While I think it’s fine for Jackson to prefer not to marry a women with kids. There is something very deceptive about him that also bothers me. Not only that…he strikes me as “selfish”. So, between his deceptive nature and selfishness, I’d say that he wouldn’t make a good husband or father — step or otherwise.
I’m a divorced man and met a younger woman who it turns out has two small children and is currently separated from her husband and living alone with her girls. We have just started dating and the relationship is getting physical. I like her a lot, but I keep thinking in the back of my head I couldn’t marry her some day not just because of the kids but because she doesn’t have other aspects of her life together (she doesn’t have a job, is doing bad in school and seems like she is overwhelmed by her life. I feel for her but I don’t want to get sucked into someone else’s huge problems). We talked up front about what we were both looking for and she indicated she wasn’t looking for something too serious, but if it goes that way she’s fine with that, and I said the same thing.
Another problem for me with dating her has to do with my past. I treated my ex-wife pretty well, was never abusive and never cheated on her and I’ve always been gainfully employed. She wound up cheating on me with an ex-bf after we had been together for years, and then after the fact she tried to claim that I was this terrible guy who never loved her. I haven’t talked too much to the single mom I’m dating about her past marriage, but all she said on the topic was that her life would have been easier if she had stayed with him but she had to “run away” or else she would feel lost. My fear is that if I was with her she eventually something would snap in her where she just wasn’t “happy” and she would book and I would have wasted years of my life.
I think what hasn’t been mentioned in this article is that some men who’ve been burned by women wonder why a woman would leave the father of her children, and it’s not promising to another man interested in getting heavily involved. And contrary to what they will try to claim, not every woman has been beaten or cheated on. A lot of women take off in search of greener pastures or for other issues.
Rick, not to be in your business, but you did put it out there…lol. It sounds like she may have her issues–everyone has baggage. I like to date those with carry on luggage only, since I really don’t have the energy to drag overflowing suitcases of drama–but it seems like you are also taking old issues into a new relationship. When I broke up with my daughter’s dad, I didn’t date for a year. Best decision–ever! Needed time to heal from heartache and be present 100%. (Relationships aren’t 50/50, can’t half ass your way through anything in life.)
We can’t live in our past or live in fear. Women may “leave” the father of their children, but they didn’t “leave” the children in most cases. Single moms break up with men for the same reason women without children do. Sometimes things in life don’t work out. You can’t worry if someone will wake up and be unhappy with you. Sometimes it’s not you at all. It’s someone deflecting blame:) Learn, heal and keep it moving!
I’m a single, no-children guy in his early 40s. I’ve dated single moms with the idea that the relationship would go further.My last experience was with a gorgeous woman whom I clicked with very well. Her kids were 5 and 7, and she’d been divorced a couple years. We hit it off well, and got along great. However, she had no boundaries with her ex – who was the typical deadbeat, warrants, saw the kids sporadically, etc. I didn’t “stay over” when the kids were there, which was most of the time, respecting her relationship with them. I initially really saw the relationship may go the distance…but began to see the ex relationship in a horrid light. He would text her “I love you” messages or every name in the book, stop by when he wanted (unless I was there after I had stepped in the middle of him calling her names on the porch one day), and she simply would never respond to draw lines. We discussed the situation many times. She didn’t like him (supposedly), but seemed to feel there was nothing she could do. After nearly a year, her drug-addicted mother moved in (who had stolen from my gf before), and I told her we were done. I was willing to take on her lovable children, but not deal with her inability to set boundaries, which ultimately probably would manifested with her kids too. LOL, and I do set healthy boundaries, so I would eventually be the interloping bad guy in that situation. It took a long time for me to get over her. I see Jackson’s point. Unlike Jackson I will never date a single mom again, but it’s because I see the very pitfalls that Jackson acknowledges. There is plenty of divorce already, and marrying a single mom only increases the odds of divorce.
I can see there are a lot of single moms visiting this page. I will stand up for my boys. First of all, It is extremely irritating to hear you single moms “Claim” to be independent. That’s just bullsht ok. The truth is you single moms are needy. Nothing but needy needy needy. All you do is TRAP guys like a spiderweb you can’t get out off. Let me tell you something. YOU MOMS MAKE CRUCIAL MISTAKES WHEN YOU DATE GUYS AND DON’T EVEN KNOW ABOUT SO ALL OF YOU SHUT UP IF YOU DON’T KNOW THE FACTS.
1. *** We will NEVER, EVER ! EVER LOVE YOUR CHILD AS IF IT WAS OURS! NEVER!!!! EVER!!!! MEMORIZE THAT DEEP IN YOUR BRAINS!!
= WE WILL NEVER LOVE THE CHILD ESPECIALLY IF HE/SHE TALKS A LOT, THATS THE #1 REASON. IF THEY CAN’T SIT STILL AND ARE LITTLE MISBEHAVED BRATS.
2. You give little johnny all the attention in the world.
= We hate that shiit! we hate it hate it.
3. All you do is talk about little johnny. Johnny this johnny looks so cute, johnny that.
= It’s irritating !! just stop doing that crap.
4. Whether the ex is around or not its irritating…..
= Even if the father is around, it makes us feel super angry and irritated because the stupid father texts the mom to check on little johnny, calls her, anythime of the day. Being a smart ass pretending to be super nice and supportive still believing they have a chance of getting her back. Zonz of Betches. It’s fucking irritating.
5. Never talk about how cute little Johnny is in front of his friends.
= NEVER EVER do that!!! That is the most embarrassing thing ever. The child is not even ours. We don’t want to hear that Shht!
6. Never tell a guy happy fathers day when it is not for us. the fuckng kid is not ours so might as well shove those comments up your azzes.
7. NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER SHOW A PICTURE OR TELL A GUY HOW YOU LOOKED WHEN YOU WE PREGNANT. NEVER !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
= Your are asking your guy to run far away. you idiootttss.
8. Never ever spent too much time with little johnny when your boyfriend is there. It is bad for us. we can’t have alone time because of your stupid kid.
NUMBER 9 ! = When you get mad at us, the worst thing you can do is hug little johnny so much and tell him you love him. You are asking to get crushed.
10. IF LITTLE JOHNNY MISBEHAVES, SLAP THE FUCKING SHIT OUT OF HIM!!! DO IT.!!!!!!!!!!! DONT STAND THERE AND NOT DO NOTHING !!! GODDD ITS ANNOYING.
Its funny how many of you said if you don’t love my kid then don’t be with me. So fkng stupid. You girls can’t and won’t let us go because you are too fuckig needy.
**************************************************************
What you moms can do to improve this which will not make us love your kid by the way, is :
1. Spend more time with your man than little johnny
2. Don’t talk about little johnny all the fkng time.
3. Sex sex sex sex. When the guys gets laid good, our minds change and we become nicer for some reason. It helps temporarily.
4. Don’t let little johnny sleep in the bed with you 2.
5. go out a lot over oand over and over. We don’t want your fkng kids interrupting the day.
6. Significantly minimize your stupid contact wth the fuckng dad of your stupid child.
This will only make it improve just a little. The truth is we will never love your kid like our own. 80%-90% of guys feel that way. You are lucky if you are with that 10%.
If your kid is so loud and annoying you are screwed because you guy will not tolerate this shitttt
Wonderful to know this, Its amazing to find the one and be completed as true real love does indeed defeat the barriers.
I like to make a comment about not allowing the step parent to spank the child .If a man or woman feels that way and afraid of abuse it is probably wise not to be in a relationship until that child is grown up. Jackson in this article pointed out some truths no person should be in a relationship to make someone their top priority and he is never the priority.If you have children just focus on them and let love come when you are able to give it more just half of you.
wow. this is exactly how i feel. thanks for speaking my mind! i had a girlfriend, we broke up. we spent time apart. when we got back together she had a baby by her ex, apparently.
so she saying they broke up and she wants to be with me or whatever. i find it suspicious beacuse she doesnt really want to talk about why they broke up. i love her but dont wanna be played. and i find it hard to accept her as my wife when she has a son thats not mine. i feel cheated. and she places her son first and says will always lover her babys dad. so i am messed up, i love her but cant commit to her with all that baggage. i dont think i can handle that over the years because i believe she will put her son first.
Reply to ——– John August 11, 2014 at 5:57 pm
i agree with you on that man.
I respect this is a blog for women, so forgive me. But brothers, mixed families are chaos. The most sorry thing you can do is play stepdad. Grow a pair. Being single has always been a fear of women, how is it now all the sudden a man’s fear?. We need sturdy throw back men to correct these wayward women back to order. Thank me later.