“Sure, that’s fine with me. Have a good time,” is what my husband said to me after I asked if he was okay with me meeting up with an old male friend of mine for dinner. Jokingly I said, “You know, most men probably wouldn’t be okay with that.” To which he said, “I’m not most men. I’m me. And when I married you, I agreed to trust you unconditionally – that means in every circumstance and at all times.” What ensued afterward was a thoughtful discussion between us about friendships and marriage. That day we decided that for us, friends of the opposite sex wouldn’t threaten or ruin our marriage. Here’s how we came to that conclusion, summed up in to simple principles.
“I’m not most men. I’m me. And when I married you, I agreed to trust you unconditionally – that means in every circumstance and at all times.”
Unconditional Trust
As I mentioned previously, my husband and I have unconditional trust in each other. That means when he has late meetings at work with his female boss or I meet up with an old male friend – the idea of cheating isn’t the first thought to cross our minds. I believe him to be the upstanding, loyal man that I married nearly ten years ago. And I will continue to do so until he gives me reason to believe otherwise (the same goes for me).
It’s very easy for you to trust in your spouse when you don’t have any apparent reason not to. It’s when moments come that could potentially compromise that trust that reveal how strong your faith is in your spouse. It’s not enough to say, “I trust you.” You have to prove it. With that being said and understood, it’s up to your spouse to honor that trust and keep it in tact.
Unwavering Honesty
I don’t seek to hide things from my husband and he doesn’t hide anything from me. Even though we have each other’s passwords, I don’t go through his phone or email and he doesn’t go through mine. We respect each other as individuals that share a life together. Lying, deception, and secrets are what set the stage for trouble in a marriage, so we avoid those practices.
All of this may seem over-simplified; but quite honestly, it doesn’t need to be more complicated than this. Some additional efforts that work for us are that we don’t actively seek out new friendships with other people; we definitely operate within boundaries that make sense to us, and we constantly strive to respect each other’s feelings.
Every couple should do what works for them and communicate clearly about what they’re comfortable with and what they aren’t. Exercising unconditional trust and unwavering honesty is what that looks like for us. For another couple, it may be different.
Ultimately, it’s not other people that ruin marriages – whether they be friends of the opposite sex or complete strangers of the opposite sex. It’s the two who said, “I do” that have the power to ruin what they’ve built and who, in my opinion, should make the daily choice and the effort not to.
BMWK, Do you and your spouse have an understanding about friends of the opposite sex?
You’re playing with fire. Socializing with attractive friends of the opposite sex without your spouse increases the opportunities for cheating. Why increase the odds that it may happen?
A more “marriage appropriate” question to have asked your husband would have been, “I’d like to meet up with an old male friend of mine for dinner tonight. Would you mind accompanying me?” It’s such a blessing to have the amount of trust you say you and your husband have, and I’m not not knocking that. But be careful. No matter if you’ve been married for 10 years and Christian for 30… You’re still human made of FLESH that is subject to be tempted. Don’t ever have too much faith and confidence in your flesh. It will let you down. Married people have a duty to PROTECT their marriage. Going off alone with someone of the opposite sex without your partner leaves much room for Satan to work. Trust goes far beyond operating within boundaries in any given situation. It also includes knowing how and when to PREVENT certain situations from arising. Keep playing with fire, you’re going to get burned… If you haven’t been already. But I’m just a 19 year old newlywed. What do I know?
Hi, Sabrena-
Thank you for taking a moment to read the article and comment! I completely agree with your notion that we must guard our flesh and do things to protect our marriages. In this circumstance however, I don’t feel as though meeting up with an old, male friend (a friendship I entered my marriage with) is the equivalent to playing with fire.
If I were seeking to be deceptive and did it in secret or lied to my husband about it, then that would be another story. But, that is not the case here.
To me, it’s like fasting, for example. If you decide to fast and then say, “I’m not going to work today because my office is having a catered lunch and I’m fasting, so I don’t want to be tempted.” That’s more naive than saying, “Yes, there’ll be tons of food in the office today, but I love God more that the food, so I’m committing to not giving in and breaking my fast.”
Demonstrating our strength in potential moments where the flesh can arise and making the decision to do what’s right (whether we’re fasting or meeting up with an old friend) is where our true character and faith are revealed.
As I mentioned in the post, my husband and I have very clear boundaries and always do things to uphold our respect for each other and our marriage. That doesn’t ever change.