The subplot of the play was: Crys was in love with a drug dealer who promised her the world. But he cheated on her, lied to her, and broke her heart. Now dejected, Crys decided to give up on men and give women a try.
Skeeerrrt! Hold up! WTHot-sauce???
Given this was a play at youth retreat…by youth, I thought this was some high school type of stuff. So I asked my 21 year old heterosexual niece if that’s how some women are choosing to be lesbian.
“Yup…pretty much.” She went on to talk about the apathy young women have at the lack of descent young men. So they’re choosing to give a woman a “try” to see if they can be happy.
Then I thought, maybe this is some Generation Y type of stuff. So I asked someone outside that demographic…someone married, in their 40’s, but still connected to single and married women. I asked my wife.
“Yeah…I can definitely understand that.”
Skeeerrrt! Wait a friggen minute! WTHam-sandwich???
I’m eye-squinting my wife now like ‘Shawty…you got somethin’ to tell me???’. As she further explained, “…a woman would go to another woman after being hurt by a man because a woman understands another woman. And a woman would be more emotionally caring towards her than any man could ever be.”
Has it gotten this bad…that women are not so much running to another woman as much as they are running away from a bad man? Are women actually choosing a good woman over a bad man?
I need some oxygen. It’s worserer than I thought (yes…I just made up a word.
worserer [wur-sur-ur]. adj.: something that’s worse than the worse you initially thought).
Real talk. Over the last 45 years, the number of women choosing to leave their husbands, live together unmarried, or stay forever-single has increased 285% (www.stateofourunions.org/). These are epidemic size numbers. The struggle is real!
As men, we have to do better caring for our women emotionally. We need to learn how to provide what I call “emotional security”. It first starts with figuring out who you are as a man. Determine what qualities you want in a woman…and what qualities you have that will be a great asset for women.
Once you do this soul-searching, then you can endeavor to make a woman feel emotionally secure. Although emotional security looks different in every woman, it derives from four basic human needs to:
1) Be free — make her own choices,
2) Belong — feel like she’s apart of something (e.g., family, marriage),
3) Be loved — feel like someone with whom she belongs cares for her, and
4) Be accepted — feel like her voice and perspectives are heard and valued
3 out of 4 of these deal with how ‘she feels’…not your intentions on how you meant to make her feel. So carefully listening to her feedback and being flexible in your approach is key to making her feel secure.
The struggle is real for men too! These skills aren’t intrinsic to our past or culture. Learning how to do these things takes time…and practice. But if we could learn how to perfect how we best provide these emotional needs, then we could stop sending women running into the caring arms of another woman simply because our arms aren’t caring enough.
Your article was too funny, but informative. I guess I’m in that 285% of stay forever single women. Three years single and celibate, I get my emotional stimulation from guy friends (I’ve learned A LOT from them :)To each its own, but for me personally there is nothing another woman can do for me. I like the company and emotional connection of a man.
Agreed. Not ever gonna go to a woman for what I seek in a man, and the trend is very troubling. I think cultural mores make it very difficult for our men, witnessing so much volatility in their ability to earn a decent living, and fear of what will happen to that earning potential if things go awry in marriage, as many have already experienced it, makes it hard for them to even know how and where to start, and/or start over. Many have 0 good examples in their lives. BUT, what i do find hard to swallow, is the apathy and slow willingness to admit they need to learn the skills and initiative to seek the learning out. Therefore, women, especially young women, lose hope that things will ever change so they look across the fence, not knowing that the problems will follow them there too….we have to do better!
Earning/job skills AND relationship skills, including spouse and kids, are equally important. It seems our men have trouble w access to and willingness to seek out, learn and integrate into their lives the positive side of such skills. They seem to think, “I didn’t have it and I turned out ok” mentality. At the same time, we continue to witness our communities becoming more and more fractured instead of cohesive. Mentoring is necessary and advantageous. But the first mentor is always the parent(s), whether that’s for the good or the not so good. So the only thing that’s going to really make a lasting difference is making better parents, by making better partners, who build better families, who build better communities, which build better people, and so on and so on and so on.
I agree you are so right
This is very true. Men will complain that they earn less than their women – but will refuse to do whatever is necessary to have maximum market value….they somehow fail to understand that a black man must achieve far more than others to be considered marginally qualified…yet, many brothers will not go the extra mile to gain traction in this area. Then – they are frustrated in the career marketplace and this impacts their relationships.
I have been in this particular situation and can tell u it’s very deflating as a man. For me it wasn’t that I didn’t acknowledged the hurt it was that what I was trying to do didn’t help. It is important to the relationship that a woman communicates what the real issue is and how we as men can help. I have a hard time believing that the issues my wife was having were with only me. There seemed to be other deeper unsaid insecurities that left me unarmed when trying to help. So while going thru tough times with my job loss and a nonworking spouse with time on her hands the other woman steps in agrees with everything she says and an affair happens. I just believe you can do everything in your power but if the woman can’t give you anything but that shes hurt u can’t really help. Communication is key to these types of situations but if you don’t let your husband in you can’t expect to get that security. Women understand each other on a level men will never know which makes him powerless in this type of situation…
You cannot fix a broken woman who has deeply rooted issues that she is unwilling to deal with. Sorry for your loss.
Listen, immature and selfish men simply don’t get that sane women just wants to be treated well. It’s that simple. We will ride or die with any man as long as we are loved and respected. That is how our grandfathers pulled our grandmothers and stayed together for 50+ years.
Stop cheating, lying, clowning, being violent…no person likes to be treated badly.
And it didn’t happen to me – but I have seen it happen to others.
Yes! If you think about it, it’s very very simple. Treat your wife/lady/girl with the same honor, respect, tenderness, compassion, forgiveness, love, etc that you want for your daughter, sister, and mother. She is that to someone; cherish her as such. If a man saw a young man cheat on, abuse or otherwise mistreat his daughter, he’d want to dismember said young man. That’s often why men are so suspicious of young men/boys, because they know how they were and how much of those boyish ways they have yet to surrender. Boys will be boys…Teach/lead by your good example first.
Think about this. Given the fact to wrongs does not make a right both male and female have to want to educate themselves when it pertains to dating/marriage. We educate ourselves about everything else why not relationships. If someone takes possession of a car and no matter what you do, that does not function correctly. It does not keep you from buying another car.
I understand your point – but cars don’t think or feel and don’t cry if you wreck them. People require far more than simplistic viewpoints. It requires that humans truly soul search and try to give and to be their very best selves in relationships. And many people are simply in it to use another person – that is where the biggest challenges are.
But you’ll likely try a different car, brand or type, especially if you’ve tried several different types of “car”. To women and girls who cross over, it’s the only other type available.
I have been in a long term marriage to a man who had a lot of issues. Yet I loved him anyway. After he left me, I was heartbroken. I spent time working on me. Yes I did end up 8th a relationship with a woman, unlike most men she was not emotionally bankrupt. The issues maybe different but they are still issues. Lesson learned and regardless the whole thing is about love and respect, whomever makes you feel the way you choose.
What’s right is that God called men to be with women (one man with one woman). Period. The Bible says that Husbands need to love their wives (not talking about roles) the fact is, women need love. Unfortunately, there is a cycle. And God’s way is the only true way. And the only way the problem (cycle) men?women = women?women, will be fixed is if we continue/ begin producing healthy men?????women (and vice-versa of course) relationships!
OMG I really needed this article about 5 years ago. My wife and I have been married for 19 years now and it looks like we will not see year 20. About 5 years ago she had an affair with a female and I never learned how to first deal with that issue. I forgave her and moved on without help but I never really got over it. She told me what she was missing and what she needed but for some reason it never clicked with me. For example she wanted and needed others to know that I loved her and something as simple as sending flowers to her job would have done the trick. I was always a private person and I would buy the flowers and I would bring them home to give to her. I am not stupid but I never was able to understand her or see things her way. Which brings us to the present, the exact same thing has happened again and this time I can see the error of ways but it is to late for us now. I ad to learn the hard way. She has developed real strong feelings for this other person and I can’t get her back. She never questioned my love for her, she just knew that was never going to be able to give the emotional love she was looking for. It just never came naturally for me to love her this way. We will always be best friends but I will not lie I will miss her.
Brother you need to watch some porn. You probably aren’t pleasing her orally and with your hands. Get freaky and go see a doctor for some pills. That other woman is kissing her in all her holes front back, top and bottom
Thanks for sharing Will. It’s unfortunate that things went down that way. But all hope is not lost. She just needs to be out-wooed by you as opposed to some other woman. An you have the upper hand…you’ve got 19 years in and your still married to her. Since “wooing her” doesn’t come natural to you, you need learn how. With our Relationship Training System (RTS) we 1) TEACH you what to do, 2) TRAIN you how to do it…because knowing what to do and how to do it are two different things. Then we TRACK your progress and TROUBLESHOOT when issues come up.
Stop passively missing her…and actively fight for her. Don’t let 19 years go down the drain without a fight. Trust me, you’ll regret it after its all said and done. Contact me and I help you fight to get her back. [email protected]
IMHO, any woman who does this already had some sort of lesbian tendencies. I’ve known women who have been through the ringer with men in their relationships, yet they never had the thought of turning to another woman for love and affection.
I totally get this!!! My husband just walked out on us. TWENTY year marriage. 18 of which was very good. The first affair I forgave, we all make mistakes, but the last 3 women at one time……hell that was a sick habit. I’m running so hard and fast away from him and any man now. I hate that I’m afraid of men now, but I am. I know there are GOOD ones and that’s not fair to say about them, but I HAD a good one and he changed. Who’s to say the next good “godly” man won’t. So women do seem safer to be with and I’ve NEVER thought that way till now.
Kelly, sorry to hear about you marriage. and I can only empathize with the hurt, pain, and utter disgust you have with relationships, marriage, and men. And I get why running away from men altogether seems like a viable option. That’s why I wrote the article.
Based on the feedback I received from women who’ve done this is that women are no better or different than men. Over time, they do the same thing men do.
I think it just the dichotomy of relationships in general. See an article I wrote about the 4 stages of relationships. This might give you some insight into what to expect in the future. https://hisleadershiphertrust.com/4-stages-of-relationships-beware-of-stage-3/
Besides, from a Christian standpoint, regardless of what social and legal laws permit it, that kind of a relationship is straight up sin in the eyes of God. If you care about such a thing, then you will avoid giving the devil glory by so blatantly turning away from your faith in pursuit of selfish gain and emotional comfort. That’s what happened to many men of God and prophets in the old testament, who were all ruined by their desire for emotional or physical comfort rather than following what their faith prescribes.
Wish you all the best in the future.