“We have a bank account for shared housing expenses, but we each have our own separate accounts.” That’s how a friend described her and her husband’s financial arrangement. I didn’t think much about it until I overheard a second-hand conversation from a divorce attorney.

He said that couples should share bank accounts, because separate accounts lead to a breakdown in trust. In many of the cases that he’s litigated, spouses wondered what the other person was doing with their money i.e. buying gifts for a mistress, spending money frivolously, or just being irresponsible.

Where Your Treasure Is…

Looking back, I can see how I was raised gave me a different perspective. I just assumed everyone shared their money. My mom stayed at home, while my dad worked.  He gave his paycheck to her, she paid the bills, and purchased the food.

During marriage counseling, however, my then fiancé asked if I’d like to have my own account.  He wanted to protect my independence, and I’m grateful he was so sensitive to my needs as a strong woman. But I couldn’t shake that verse in Matthew that says “where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.”

You see, I struggled with serious control issues.

Learning to Overcome Control

My parents lost their home when I was five, and money was always tight. I still remember the day, when I got my first pair of name-brand tennis shoes (pink and purple Reeboks).  As an adult, I sort of lived in fear of never quite having enough. For me…having money equalled safety and security.

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So the real question of shared bank accounts boiled down to, ‘did I trust my future husband to keep me safe?’ I came to the conclusion that I could. Sharing “my” money was a practical step toward relinquishing control and helping me heal.

Sharing bank accounts forced us to:

• Talk about money on a regular basis
• Be accountable to each other
• Go from being two independent people to an interdependent unit

Moving Toward Healing

It was rough at the beginning—we once had a budget meeting that lasted six-hours. But things have gotten better. In the past three years: we’ve paid off $54,000 worth of debt, saved a six-month emergency fund, and saved enough for a down payment on a home.

3 Ways to fix a controlling relationship.

I sometimes wonder, however, would our hearts have been knit together as a unit if we were keeping our treasure separate?

The topic of separate accounts has been discussed several times on BMWK. But, to address the issue of interdependence, I wanted to ask the community.

BMWK, how do you ensure interdependence while maintaining separate bank accounts?